Happy Birthday Charise

This is a few days late but I felt that I had to say that I have the best sister ever, and wish her a Happy Birthday! Even though there is a 6 year difference in our age, we have become very close. Charise is an amazing person who is beautiful inside and out and I look up to her so much. She is a fabulous sister, a great mother and just an all around good soul. She is always willing to help anyone in need. She is compassionate and gentle. She would give the clothes off of her back if you asked her to. I hate to say that I took advantage of this when I moved to Dallas to live with her back in 2000. For a year and a half I lived with her, ate her food and wore her clothes and she never asked for anything in return. She got me a job and supported me even when I wasn't the easiest to live with. Even when I moved into my own place she made sure that place was furnished and I knew I always had a place to go for dinner! I can't thank her enough for all she has done for me. I owe her so big time... even though I paid off some of my debt when I let her move in with me while she was pregnant with Ayden... and took care of her crazy dog for months!

She was right there throughout my pregnancy with Avery and was right by my side when Avery was born. She loves that little girl as much as I do and that means so much to me. She is an amazing mom to little Ayden and I just hope that she will share her wisdom when it is my turn to be a mom.

I hate that she lives so far away. I miss our lunches and our talks about anything and everything. I miss our adventures and just driving around being goofy. I could always count on her to cheer me up when I was having a bad day whether it was pigging out or going out dancing. She always tell it like it is and makes me realize when I am being stupid. She is such a strong person and I admire her so much. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is the best sister anyone could ever ask for! I believe that is why I only got one sister.. because I got the best one!! I love you sis... I hope you had a very special birthday.

Phone Consult

I just got off the phone with Dr. D. He wanted to go over this last thaw cycle and discuss our options for the future. There are a few tests he wants to run just to rule some things out but ultimately he believes that the reason we have suffered 2 miscarriages (which doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have so much riding on each attempt... 2 is a huge number) is a chromosomal abnormality that he blames on my eggs. He believes that Skeet's sperm quality is great so the problem is obviously with the quality of eggs that my ovaries produce. The cause of this, he believes, is the endometriosis that I have suffered from since I was about 16. Endometriosis, if located on or near the ovaries can affect the quality of the eggs that the ovaries release. There is no cure for Endometriosis. The only thing that can really make it go away is menopause, which isn't an option if you are trying to have babies. Even surgery isn't a fix, it can actually make it worse if the affected spots are on the ovaries. He believes that the only chance we have to become pregnant (this is also because of my defective remaining tube and my PCOS) is to get more eggs and try again.

Dr. D knows that we are not in a place financially to do another fresh IVF cycle. There is NO WAY that we could come up with that kind of money in the near... or even distant.. future. He mentioned that there is a clinical trial that he is going to try to get me in that deals with using a different stimulation protocol and it may cover a lot of the costs for another fresh cycle. The only problem is that usually these clinical trials will only cover the medications or a portion of the costs of the cycle. In this case... it would not be an option for us because like I said before... we are not in a place that we could cover any of the expenses right now. I will have new insurance in July that will cover 50% of infertility but only up to $1500 a year... which in all reality is not much when you are talking about an $11,000 procedure.

Where does this leave us? I have no idea. I plan on getting the testing done that Dr. D has requested. A Hysteroscopy, which they will put a camera up into my uterus to check for fibroids or other abnormalities; this he believes will come back normal. He also wants to test for Thrombophilia factor, which is a blood clotting disorder; this he also believes will come back normal. So even though he doesn't think that my miscarriages have anything to do with either of these issues, I will do them because he has asked. Then, I will speak with him again and we will discuss our next steps. I am not hopeful at this point because of financing. It would be completely irresponsible for Skeet and I to get any further into debt than we already are.

Adoption is our only other option, and it is an option that I am not even close to being ready to think about. I have done extensive research on the protocol and what is involved and I don't believe that I am mentally or emotionally ready to take it on. I am so completely devastated and still very bitter, and getting myself into the stress and anxiety that goes along with the adoption process would not be a good idea for me right now.

Being that I am still in a bad place, I plan on taking things a day at a time. That is all I can handle right now. I am still not ready to face people. I don't believe I am ready to go back to church, or to hang out with my friends. Because I have to work, I do but I am so emotionally and physically drained by the end of the day that it is starting to take it's toll. I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It doesn't help that today I turn 28 years old and I feel like a complete failure. I know that I am still young to some but to me I feel like I am 40 and I have done nothing with my life. I am sure those feelings will go away eventually but for right now I am so disappointed in myself. Happy freakin' Birthday to me. Blah.