Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Bad Days...

I have been having a really hard time since our last appointment. I think it is because I have realized that I am now in my 3rd trimester and my due date is quickly approaching. The fear and anxiety of what may come is starting to take over and I don't feel like I have the strength to keep pushing forward. I had a major meltdown the other night and think I scared Skeet pretty badly. It was my first since our finding out about Avery's condition and I have a feeling it won't be my last.
I can't stop crying and I truly think I am beginning to go into denial about it all. I keep catching myself thinking that there is no way God would do this to us. That everything will be fine and the doctors are all wrong. And then I cry when I have force myself back to reality. There is such a good chance that Avery does have TD and that her lungs will not be developed enough when she is born. As much as I want to believe 100% that she will be fine I can't help but let what I have seen and heard dim my hopes. Skeet isn't very optimistic as well and I think it frustrates him a little when I get my hopes up.
Avery is our daughter and that will never change. I have decided that at my appointment next week I am going to tell Dr. Sanders that I don't want to see Dr. G anymore. I don't think there is much he is willing to do for us anyway. I want this pregnancy to be treated as any other pregnancy, which means all the testing and avoiding things that are unhealthy for the baby. I am sick of people saying "Well at this point it doesn't really matter". She is my baby, I love her and she is entitled to every moment of life that she can sustain on her own. Plus, we need to be able to cherish every moment we get with her as well. I don't want anything to take away from that time with her. So that means, when she is born I want her delivery treated as any other delivery. I would like to have the pediatrician there and the respiratory specialist, just in case. And I would like them to clean her up and give her oxygen if necessary but then I would like to hold her and keep her with me. Unless of course the doctors are wrong and she looks like she will be okay then they can do whatever they need to to keep her healthy.
I do not want my baby to suffer at all but I know that there are some things we have no control over. I am leaving the rest of it up to God. I know that he has a plan for Avery, I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in miracles but I also believe that Avery has a purpose in this world and we cannot change that. As hard as it is, I need to just accept that I do not have any control and leave it in God's hands. I will continue to pray for my little daughter's health and strength and I hope that you all will as well. She hardly moves at all but when she does I know she is just reminding me that she is there and that she needs to be loved. There are so many out there who love her and I know that every moment of her life has been and will be filled with love. Thank you for letting me vent... I do feel better now.

9 comments:

Tammy said...

Hi Candi,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been where you are-last year my unborn son was diagnosed with a genetic disorder and we did not know until he was born what exactly we were up against. He could have lived for minutes, days, months, etc.. Nobody could really tell us. My advice to you would be to discuss with your ob what you want your birth plan to be and how you want things to be handled. Also, meet with the NICU staff at your hospital and tour the NICU as you never know if you will be spending some time there. These were the things that made our experience much easier and helped to ease some of my fears. It is so normal to have bad days-if you didn't I think that something would be wrong. God bless and if you need anything feel free to email me. Take care-I will be thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Candice:

You are a strong, amazing woman! You are entitled to every emotion you feel through this pregnancy. Avery is so lucky to have you as her mother and her advocate. Keep fighting! I love you tons and wish I could do more to help.

Myndee Kay

Anonymous said...

Hugs and prayers to you.
Do exactly what you need to do to be in charge of Avery's arrival. We pray for you daily.

Candi
YaYa to Bryan

Anonymous said...

Candi, I am crying for you once again. I remember the horrible fear and anxiety Catherine and Dan felt when they were told Owen would not live. It's absolutely horrendous and I don't think anyone can take those feelings away from you or make them better. I will continue to pray for you and for baby Avery. I will pray for strength for you and Skeet to get through this and I will pray that Avery brings you peace and joy for however long God allows you to have her.
Owen W's grandma/Cat's mom

poppy said...

Hi Candi,

I found your website through BabyCenter and wanted to let you know that I'm here. I carried twins full term knowing that one would die of TD.

Just know it is so normal to question yourself, question god, question the reasons for Avery's precious life...

I'm checking in and thinking of you and your beautiful baby girl.

Poppy

Anonymous said...

Hi Candi, I keep reading your updates. I am glad you are using this as an outlet for your pain, sadness, frustration etc. You need to continue to do this and not bottle anything up. God only gives you what he knows you can handle. You are the strongest woman I know. I don't think I could've made it through what you and your husband have had to go through. I keep you on my prayer list each time we go to church so that the staff will pray for you and your family also. Keep your spirits up but don't ever hide the way your feeling especially when they aren't up. God is with you and your family! Jenny (from Dallas)

Krysta (babycenter) said...

Miss Candi,
I think of you often... You, Skeet and sweet baby Avery are in my prayers always!
XOXO

Dao said...

Candi,

I will continue to keep you and baby avery in my prayers. Never lose faith.

Dao (snowypeach from babycenter)

amy said...

Candi,
I hope you know you have tons of people pulling for you and Skeet and Avery. We are praying for you. Keep your head up!
love ya,
amy