Hollywood here I come!

I am officially a TV star! Well not really but I did make it on to CMT this weekend. The footage they shot at the concert was actually just for an advertisement for a contest that Rascal Flatts is doing with their new video. My mom got a call from the girl that does our nails (thanks Jamie!) saying that she just saw us on a preview for CMT Insider. So I set my DVR to record Sunday morning and while I was getting ready for church Skeet yells "you're on TV!!" I looked like a complete idiot who was having way too much fun and my mom looked like she was doing her best to stay out of the shot, but at least we didn't look like the drunk girls that they showed right after us! You could tell that they were completely wasted!
So yes, now you are reading the blog of a real celebrity! I will be signing autographs... just send me your request and I will get it in the mail! Just kidding... I really hope that none of you see it. I doubt they will air it that much, thank goodness, because I really am so embarrassed. Especially because the first thing, and only thing, you notice is my ginormous nose!

Okay, enough of that- moving on, I got through Avery's 5 month birthday without much incident. It was hard and I cried but I dealt with it okay. It seems that the pain doesn't really go away but it just gets easier to bear. Skeet and I stopped by the cemetery on Saturday to put out the solar lights that we received from some family friends after Avery's passing. It will be one of few in her area that have lights at night. I think it was the first time Skeet has seen her headstone and he seemed really impressed with how it turned out. I have been thinking a lot about her lately, if you haven't noticed. We still have not heard a final diagnosis yet even though I have been calling once a week to try to get a hold of them. I am torn about whether or not we should even start trying for another baby until we find out. I think that both of my sister's in law are a little scared to start trying too. We all try to remember that feeling of peace we felt when Avery was born. Sloane told me after Avery was born that she felt that everything was going to be okay. I felt it too but now I can't help but be a little apprehensive about it all. Yesterday, I returned home after receiving my patriarchal blessing, my face was tear stained and I felt exhausted- but more than that, I was full of the spirit. It was an amazing experience that I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. The more I thought about all that had been said the more I focused on my future children. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a healthy baby in my arms, knowing that I was responsible for it's life. The thought was completely overwhelming to me. I pictured myself holding this child and crying because I still missed my angel in heaven. Or maybe the tears were tears of relief, I am not sure but that picture in my mind filled me with a feeling that can only be described as bittersweet.

I had better end this now before I get too emotional- I don't want to be sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out. I know I have been on a lyric kick lately and you are probably all sick of it -but one song has been stuck in my mind the past few days. This song was one that, when I was pregnant, brought be to tears every time I heard it. It reminded me to cherish the time I had with my Avery because it was time I would not get back. It also helped me to remember that there are things in life that may seem huge at the time but those things usually end up being small and unimportant compared to family, friends and love. It is a song by Carrie Underwood. I promise this is my last lyric sharing post!

So Small

What you got if you ain't got love,
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you hole

While your sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Life Changes

Lately I have been thinking about my life, where I want it to go and whether or not I would be happy with it if it were to end tomorrow. I have been striving lately to do what I think my Heavenly Father would want me to do. I have been trying to make decisions based on how He would make the decision if He were to do it for me. I feel lost. I have felt lost for a while now but I know that something is coming, something that is going to help me find my way. Ever since Avery went Home I have wondered if that was my whole purpose in life, to carry her until it was time for her to return to her Father in Heaven. If that was my purpose, I could be okay with that because I know she was perfect. My daughter, my precious little girl, was absolutely perfect and no one can ever change that. But if my life is meant for more, I need to know how to get there.

In my church we have what is called a Patriarchal Blessing. This is where a Patriarch of the church lays his hands on your head and give you a blessing. This blessing is something that you take with you and use as a sort of road map for the rest of your life. Now it is not like a fortune teller, he doesn't attempt to tell you your future. The blessing is meant to help you as you make decisions in your life so that you don't feel lost. It is hard for me to explain because you can only get one blessing in your life and obviously, I haven't had mine yet. Most members of the church get their blessing when they are young adults preparing to enter into the world on their own. I was extremely inactive at that age so I did not even think that I wanted one at the time. In a way, I am so glad that I waited. I know that I need this blessing now, more than ever. I will not be able to share my blessing, because it is sacred and it is only for me, but this is something that I have been looking forward to for months now.

As I approach the 5 month mark since Avery's birth, I have been thinking back to that day. I don't want to forget it, I don't want to forget one second of it. I don't believe that I ever could forget but I am thinking that I may write the events of that day down in detail so that I know it will never be forgotten. I have yet to start this because of my homework load but I hope to start it soon, maybe during my 3 week break from school in May. I still miss her everyday, and when I see her photo I wonder to myself if she misses me as much as I miss her. Every time I visit her grave I tell her how much I love her and how much I am looking forward to holding her again.

I want to share another Rascal Flatts song with you that means a lot to me. This may seem cheesy but I love to listen to the words of songs, that is really how I determine how much I like the song. This song was the RF song that made me a fan, since then I have come to love most of their music.

Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

One more thing, there was a post recently on Nate's blog that made me think. Mothers were posting what they wish for Tricia, things that she gets to look forward to. I have a few things that I wish I could be doing right now...

Be awaken in the middle of a night to the sound of a crying baby
Take every chance I get to kiss my daughter and breath in her smell
Watch Skeet hold and fuss over his little girl, I know he would be wrapped around her finger
Be able to just sit and watch her sleep
See her smile for the first time
Hear her laugh and coo

These are just a few of a very long list. To all you mothers out there, cherish every moment you have with your child/children. You are very blessed.

Some more thoughts...

I want to thank all of you that posted such kind words about Avery and her headstone. I am very pleased with the way it turned out and believe that it is the perfect memorial for my little girl. It is a place that I can go and remember her for the rest of my life so it is very important to me that it is just right. Also, a little update about my blood work, my FSH levels are normal but my estradiol levels are on the low side of normal. This may be the cause of my hot flashes. Thanks to a post, I discovered that the night sweats were actually caused by the Zoloft I had been taking. I have been off of it for over a week now and have noticed a huge difference. Thank you for helping me figure that one out. I have not been able to discuss with Dr. Sanders if these test results are good indicators of whether or not I may be able to conceive naturally. I believe it is a good sign that my cycles are regular but that doesn't necessarily guarantee that I will ovulate, which was my problem in the past. I will just keep hoping that more children are part of God's plan for Skeet and I, and try to have faith that He knows what is best for us.

Which brings me to the main reason for this post. As I sat in my church meetings this past Sunday I heard something that was extremely humbling. My Stake President spoke on the obligation of parents to their children. As parents, our duty is to "save" our children. We have the responsibility to teach them and guide them so that when they are out in the world, making their own decisions, they will be able to choose the path to The Lord. That sounds about right, I am sure most parents know that how they live their lives and what they teach their children is what will shape them as they grow. So, with tears running down my face, I sat there wondering if He thought that maybe I wouldn't have raised Avery right. Maybe He knew that I wouldn't have been able to save her so He did before I could screw up as a parent. But then, a feeling of peace came over me and I knew that-that wasn't the case at all. Avery was meant to save me. I know I have mentioned something similar before, but how humbling to realize that instead of me saving my child, she saved me. Her affect on my life also changed the way that I will raise my future children, I am more capable now of saving them than I was before.
I pray that as parents, we will always remember that our children look up to us. They watch us at all times and they learn not only from what we teach them but from what we do. We are responsible for the values and knowledge they take with them into adulthood, and if we do our best at saving them, they are more likely to choose to save their children as well.
I will be eternally grateful to my angel for saving me, for helping me in a way that no one else could. What an amazing gift.

Before I sign off for the night, I wanted to ask you all to pray for Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth. Tricia has been placed on the transplant list and activated, please pray that she will receive a new set of lungs soon. Also, pray for the possible donors and their families.

Goodnight.

Avery's Headstone

Here it is... I am very pleased with the way it turned out. It was definitely worth the wait! The first photo shows the wreath I made to mark her site until the headstone was finished. I could take it down now...but I really don't want to! :) And of course I had to have the daisies because they are my favorite flower.

Here is something you might not know, when we were making her burial arrangements and it was time to pick out a casket (I had been dreading it), we walked into the room to look at the only infant casket they had in stock and I took one look and knew it was perfect. I didn't know the price all I knew is that it was the perfect casket for my little girl, do you know why?... It had daisies on it! It was beautiful, white and it had daisies carved into both the top and the sides. I found out after that it even came with daisy seeds for me to plant in memory of her as well as a small bear named Daisy that she was buried with. The Lord must have known that I was unable to handle the stress of picking out the box in which my beautiful daughter would be buried so He made it very easy for me.

It's In!

I visited the cemetery today (like I always do on Mondays) and to my surprise, they had put Avery's headstone in sometime between Saturday afternoon and this afternoon. It looks so beautiful! I am so happy to finally have it in. I will post pictures soon!

It is starting again!

After 4 months of hot flashes and night sweats I decided it was time to ask Dr. Sanders if there might be something wrong with me. He suggested a blood test to see what my hormone levels look like. He thinks there may be something wrong with my ovaries! It's only February and I am already having medical problems. I was hoping to at least make it to June or July without having to have any blood drawn. I also talked to Dr. S about my cycles, which have been regular over the past 3 months. That is the first time in my life that I have not had to take some sort of birth control or medication to have a regular cycle 2 or more months in a row. He sounded very optimistic and told me that I should start using the ovulation predictor tests to see if I am now able to ovulate. How great would it be if we didn't have to do IVF again? Nothing against Dr. D and his staff, but it would be nice to do it like most people do and maybe even have it be a surprise! I went out the next day and had my blood drawn then I went to the store, got my prenatal vitamins refilled and purchased a ovulation predictor kit. It won't do us much good this month with Skeet being away but I will be prepared next month!
I made the mistake of wandering past the nursery when I was at the hospital getting my blood drawn. There was a beautiful little baby girl in the window and for the first time since Avery was born I felt like I am ready to try for another baby. I knew that it was time. I am not sure I will be able to convince Skeet that it is time but in my heart I know that I am meant to be a mother and I shouldn't be putting it off. I miss my Avery, I wish so badly that I could see her everyday, hold her, hear her cry and smell her soft skin, but I can't. Not yet anyway. It was really hard to see that little baby girl in the window but I am glad I took the detour.
I saw Avery's headstone the other day, it hasn't been put in yet but I drove past the memorial office and saw it sitting out back. I knew it was Avery's because of the inscription I had put on the back. I wish the snow would stop and the ground would thaw so that we could have it put in. I will take pictures when it does finally go in so that I can share it with all of you.
I will let you know what I hear back about my blood tests. I am praying that he will tell me that everything is fine and my hormones are finally normal! The new job is going great! I really love it in this department and everyone has been really friendly and welcoming. I have made a decision about my future that I am very excited about, in about a year and a half I will be transferring to another school so that I can finish up in another field. Instead of Business Management I would like to do Radiology and specialize in ultrasounds/sonograms. I have a few general education classes to finish before I can be accepted into the program but I am so excited to get started. I feel like it is something that I can really enjoy doing and that I can possibly help others. What a great job, to be able to share in other people's happiness and also to be able to comfort and relate to those that get difficult news. After having had to work with some very cold people when we found out about Avery's condition, I know that I could make a difference to people in a situation like that.
Well I have written enough today. I will post news as I get it!

It's all a matter of choice

This morning I was checking in on Nate, Tricia and Gwenyth ( http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/ ) and something Nate said really hit me. If you are reading their blog you will know what I am talking about, if you are not... you should be. He mentioned that someone had said that Satan was the one that was responsible for all they had been through. I am so sad for the person that really believes that.

We are given trials to help us to grow, to build us up and bring us closer to The Lord. Satan will try to interfere; He will use our trials to try to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. If we let Him, if we give in to Satan, we might become angered at God for allowing something bad to happen to us. We should do the opposite. We should thank the Lord for allowing us the strength to cope with whatever it is we have been handed. We should draw nearer to Him to find peace and comfort. We should NOT give Satan the satisfaction of seeing our relationship with God become weak.

When we first found out that Avery may not live I wanted to be mad at someone. I wanted to be able to put the blame on someone and at times I even thought I was being punished. Having those thoughts in my mind made it even harder for me to face what was happening. It only took a few days for me to decide to put it all in the Lord's hands. It was still hard to accept that it all was happening but the more that I believed that there was a reason, the easier it became for me to lean on Him to get through it. Now, there is no doubt in my mind that Avery is a beautiful gift that was given to me to teach me and help me grow.

My dad said something at lunch the other day that really made sense. It made me cry, but it made sense. He asked me if I ever thought that maybe Avery volunteered to forfeit her time on this earth to help her parents. That maybe she was meant to bless our lives in a way that she wouldn't have been able to if she had stayed. We could have become bitter toward God; we could have cursed him and pulled away. Instead, that beautiful little face reminds me everyday that I am extremely blessed to have had her in my life. I thank the Lord every day for her life and the blessings that it has brought into ours. Some may think that trials are the work of Satan but I believe that it is all about how you choose to view those trials and whether or not you learn and grow from them. We should all thank our Heavenly Father daily for the trials that we have been given. They are what shape us and make us who we are.

No one is more of a testament to this than Nate, Tricia and sweet little Gwenyth Rose.

Beliefs

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog entry. At first I was very upset that a web-site could claim to be non-denominational and still turn away a story because it was against the Catholic faith. But, instead of getting bitter, I decided to look further into the matter. The answers that I found were exactly like those that you shared with me. I am not going to say that anyone's beliefs are wrong or right. I will say, however, that I am very sad for those that truly believe that a child born through extensive fertility treatments, such as IVF, are born against God's will and therefore miss out on the opportunity to have a child of their own flesh and blood.

In an article I read it stated that children are not something that is owed to us, they are a gift. I agree that all children are a gift. Some are gifts that are treated carelessly and tossed away, some are gifts that are taken for granted and not enjoyed and loved as they deserve to be, and some are gifts that are forgotten by some but cherished by others. A child born by the means of In Vitro are no less of a gift than those conceived by natural means. If anything, in some cases, they may be considered more. I was devastated when I was told that I would not be able to have children naturally. That I would have to go through extensive treatments and even those weren't a guarantee. The opportunity for couples to bear children, even after they have been told they would never be able to, is truly a gift from God. And, those children are gifts that are cherished above all things because they are miraculous. Now this doesn't mean that I think children that are conceived naturally are not miraculous gifts from God, because they are. All children are miracles and they are all the most precious gift we could ever receive.

I believe that if God did not want me to have a child, the In Vitro would have never worked. If His plan did not consist of us having a child of our own flesh and blood then He would have never allowed those little embryos to latch on and grow and develop. Avery did not come to us naturally because she was meant to be so much more than just a gift to us, she was meant to change our lives in a way that we could have never expected. The fact that she was conceived via IVF made us cherish her so much more because we were told we may never have a child.

Some would argue that if you are not able to have children of your own you should just adopt. I am not against adoption. I plan on adopting, I have always wanted to adopt. I made the choice to do In Vitro because something deep down in my soul told me that I needed to. We didn't have the means to pay for it, but we found a way. We did it because we knew our chances were better if we did so while we were young. Age doesn't have a big impact on adoption. That is something that I can do for years to come. I knew that there was a child waiting for us, so we made the decision to have IVF done before we even knew how we would pay for it. Even if our next attempt at IVF does not result in a pregnancy, I will never regret our decision to do In Vitro. Avery is and always will be my daughter and I would do it all over again just to be able to carry her inside of me and hold her for that very short time.

Thank you all for your kind words and for your love for my little girl. I am so glad that it is not against my faith to have IVF, because I would have gone against my faith in a heartbeat. I know that it sounds terrible, but I wanted a child so very badly I would have tried just about anything!

Update

I know I just posted earlier today but I received a phone call from our genetics counselor this afternoon and wanted to give you all an update. She finally heard back from the specialist that was taking a look at Avery's x-rays and he said that Avery is still a mystery. He can tell for sure that she had a form of skeletal dysplasia but it must be a very rare type. He is sending her pictures to 3 other specialists and hopes to have a better answer for us by next week. The problem with it being so rare is that he doesn't think there are tests for it. Meaning they will not be able to test us to see what type of carriers we are, if any, and they will not be able to test our embryos. I had a feeling that this would be our answer but it still came as a blow. Especially when I was told that there is a possibility that we could have a one in four chance of it happening again. I haven't been able to really digest all that I have been told so I am a little numb to it all at the moment. All I know is that I love my little girl and if we are meant to have another child and he/she is like his/her sister I will still love them just as much, I just don't know if I am strong enough to go through it all again.

Tis the Season

I have been so caught up in the wrong spirit of the season lately, but the other day as I was wrapping gifts for a family that we have adopted this Christmas I had an epiphany. Let me give you some background first. I have been dreading Christmas. I thought it was going to be this horrible time where I would be depressed and only think of how much I missed my baby and how last year that was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. (Skeet would tell you, every time he asked me what I wanted I would say "A baby" and leave it at that. ) I have been so caught up in my grieving and sorrow that I forgot about the the reason we even celebrate Christmas. So, in my efforts to try to keep myself humble I took it upon myself to find a family for my family to adopt this Christmas. After contacting the local Care and Share we were assigned a local family with 4 children ranging in ages 7 to 2. It was fun to get everyone together to shop for toys for the kids and a Christmas meal for the family, but I found myself selfishly thinking about how I should be shopping for my own little one as well.
Then, as I was wrapping up each gift that we had purchased it hit me. This shouldn't be a time of year that I dread. The reason for this time of year should bring me happiness and a sense of peace. Christ was born so that he could die for us and for our sins. He did this for us because he loves us and he wants us to return to him. It is because of his birth and his death that I will be able to be with my daughter forever. I realized then that I should be rejoicing this holiday season. I may still be very sad that my daughter is not with us to celebrate Christmas but she is the lucky one that will celebrate with Jesus. And I know that someday, I will be with her forever because Jesus was born and died for our sins. What a huge gift that is.
I am so ashamed of my attitude toward this holiday season. Every time someone would ask me if I were ready for Christmas my answer would always be " I am ready for it to be over". Now, I feel so unworthy of the huge blessing that this holiday represents. Also, I am so much more thankful for the opportunity I have to help someone else.
We are delivering the gifts and food to this needy family this weekend and my change of heart has helped me to appreciate this experience so much more. I hope that my family will make it an annual tradition to help someone else during the holidays but if they choose not to I know that it will be a priority in my home to do so. I am so thankful to be in a position where I can give to others who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't think about it often enough but I am so fortunate to have a home and a job, and to have a family that is always there to support me whenever I am in need. I am also very grateful that I am able to be there for them as well. We have our health, we have each other, and we have the knowledge that through Christ we are promised that we will be a family forever. That is the best gift of all. I am truly blessed to have a little girl that will be mine for eternity.
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season and I wish you all the best in the New Year.

Does this mean I have to move on?

Well today is the day, the day that we were first told to expect our baby to arrive. For months this date was my answer to the question "When are you due?". 8 weeks have passed since the 3rd time I was admitted to the hospital when moments later my water broke. 8 weeks have passed since that long night of waiting, wondering and anticipating the arrival of my daughter. And, tomorrow morning between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m., 8 weeks will have passed since my beautiful little girl left her body behind and went home. 8 weeks ago today I still thought I had 8 weeks left to spend with my angel.
This whole week has been a emotional roller coaster ride. I go from being happy that I am her mom to crying because it wasn't supposed to be this way. For some reason now I think more of the nursery that never was and the cute little clothes that will never be bought. I think of the happy Christmas that could have been, celebrating the arrival of a new little one. The gifts that might have been wrapped knowing that she would be too young to understand this year but would have more fun next year. Now I can't help but only notice who is missing when the family comes together for dinners and gatherings. I think of how lonely Christmas will seem this year without that special little soul even though a year ago we had no idea she would even be. It is so strange to me that last year at this time we had no idea that the only way we would be able to have a baby was through In Vitro. We had no clue that we would be pregnant within 3 months, or that 32 weeks later we would have to bury that precious child that we longed for- for so long.
If I could have had my way this year, Christmas would have just been skipped. I don't feel like I am strong enough to get through the holidays this year. I don't know how to just go on with life without her anymore. I did so well for so long but I feel like I am losing my composure and don't know how I will make it from one day to the next. I am sure it does not help that I ran out of anti-depressants and have yet to get them refilled. The numbness that they give me has worn off and now all I can think of is how badly I want that little girl back in my arms. And I can't help but wonder if everyone will expect me to be better now that her due date has passed. I hate to disappoint anyone who is thinking that because it is going to take a lot longer than 8 weeks!
I received a delivery of beautiful flowers today, roses from my loving husband, and a Christmas arrangement from my parents and sister. They are so pretty and smell so good but I can't look at them. They are sitting on my desk and even when I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye it starts the water works again. I can't seem to stop today and hate that I have to be here at work when my heart is breaking and nothing else seems to matter. But I know I will make it through the day and into Skeet's arms, which is the only place for me right now. If I can't hold her, I need someone to hold me. I am sorry for the somber tone of this post but I needed to get it out.
I love you all and I appreciate your kind words and support!

They are done!!

Well most of them. Dr. Sanders finally gave me a disc of the pictures. There weren't many but they turned out so beautiful. I just wanted to share them with you all! There are a lot more of our family holding her but I will just include the ones that you can see her best.

Back to work

First of all I need to apologize for not wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving sooner! I hope everyone had a great holiday and were able to take some time to ponder what you are thankful for. I would like to take a moment to share a few things I am very thankful for. I am so thankful for my husband, without him I would be completely lost. We don't always understand each other and we don't always agree but we love each other deeply and I truly believe we were meant to be! I am thankful for my family and for my in-laws. They have been such a great source of support and comfort to us over the past couple of years. For my friends, old and new, you are all so special to me. I am thankful for my health. This one is especially important to me right now seeing how I just got over the stomach flu and am so happy that I feel better. This year I have something new to be thankful for... my daughter. I still wish, more than anything, that she could still be with us and be a happy, healthy little girl; but I know that she was too special to stay here on this earth. And although we didn't have a lot of time with her she has been such a huge blessing. She has helped to make me a better person. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love my little girl. She has helped me work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and she has helped me to realize that love and family are the most important things and life is too short to spend time worrying about the things we cannot change.

I am, of course, thankful for many other things but I know you all don't have all day to read my rantings so I will move on. I returned to work on Tuesday after recovering from the 24 hour flu bug I fought on Monday. (It's pretty bad when you have to call in sick on your first day back to work) Things at work haven't changed much, and everyone is being really nice to me. But, it is still so hard for me to be there. I keep thinking about how I should be taking another 6 weeks off to care for a new baby, and that the last time everyone saw me I was happily plump and my little girl was still alive. I have been fighting the tears off for the past two days so that people don't think that I am losing it. They all look at my like I may lose it any minute as it is. Especially when they come into my office to tell me that they are so sorry for my loss. All I can say is thank you and then there is awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I would love to talk about Avery but they don't ask and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I suffer in silence praying that someone would just ask me about her. I am so proud of my daughter, she was beautiful and such a special little girl. I think that after a week or so I will be able to get through a day at work without wanting to scream at everyone to stop pretending like she never happened. I know I am not being fair... I think I may be dealing with the "anger" stage of grieving. Or maybe I wasn't quite ready to go back to work. Either way I know it will get easier I just have to stay positive and remember that it is just a job and there are more important things in life.

Sorry to say, I have no pictures yet. Well I have one and I will post it but please keep in mind that it isn't a very good picture. It was one that was taken with our sub-par camera and I tried to make it look better. You may not see her the way I do but I think she is the sweetest little angel ever! And you can't tell from this picture but she had a full head of jet black hair just like I did when I was a baby. I knew she would after all that heartburn.

Well off to bed....

The Aftermath

I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog, and while I was trying to decide I realized how much I need to get out my thoughts and this is the perfect way! Whether or not anyone reads it, it can help me to heal.. so here I go again. I have been patiently waiting for Dr. Sanders to finish photoshopping our photos. I am seeing him this week for my 5 week check up and I hope he will have them done so that I can post a few. I can hardly believe it's been a month. It doesn't seem to be getting easier either. I am starting to wonder if it will ever get easier.

The closer I get to my original due date the more I miss having Avery growing inside of me. I lie awake at night and try to remember how it felt when she kicked or pushed against me. As hard as my pregnancy was I would give anything to have her with me still. We had family pictures taken this weekend for my side of the family. I was so strong through the whole thing just holding on to my teddy bear that I brought to represent Avery. As soon as they were done I broke down. It had been tearing me apart thinking that it's not fair that my sister and sister-in-law were able to hold their babies on their laps and mine I had to hold in my heart. I wish that we could have done the pictures while I was still pregnant so that Avery could have been in the picture in some way. Now every time I look at that photo I will only see what is missing.

I have been taking Prozac to help with the depression, mostly because Skeet wants me to. I think it is starting to work. It seems to be getting easier to get out of bed in the mornings although Avery is still the first thing on my mind when I wake. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up only to find that it's all been a bad dream and I will be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby girl. It probably isn't healthy for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I miss my baby so much. I visit the cemetery 2-3 times a week just so I can talk to her.

I attended church at my home ward this Sunday. It was the first time in 3 years that I have attended our ward. I went and sat by myself and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is something that I have been wanting to do for well over a year but now I have an obligation to. I can't help but think that Avery is counting on me to do the right thing and I can't let her down. I wonder if God sent her to me to give me the push I needed to get my life in order. I know that isn't the only reason we were blessed with such a special baby but I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I will never push Skeet but I hope someday he will decide to join me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in a month. I hope that I can keep going and not go back to my old ways.

I don't know if anyone is still checking this but I hope to have some pictures of Avery posted by next week. I cannot wait to show her off. She is so beautiful. I plan on posting now and then to keep myself sane. If you are still reading I want to thank you again for keeping Avery in your prayers. Until next time.....

Avery's Birth

On Wednesday the 10th I went into pre-term labor and was admitted into Labor and Delivery. After hours of test and contractions Dr. Sanders was able to stop the contractions with some medications. I was sent home Thursday with a prescription for some medication to keep the contractions at bay. That day I got very sick from the meds they had given me and went into severe dehydration and was admitted back into the hospital late Thursday night. I was released Friday morning only to return Friday evening because I was leaking fluid. Just after testing me and telling me that I was not leaking amniotic fluid, I stood up to use the restroom and my water broke. My little girl was coming 8 weeks early. Skeet's family and my family were called and everyone hung out at the hospital all night long. No one wanted to miss the chance to meet her. Avery was born at 3:17 am on Saturday October 13th surrounded by our family. We did monitor her heart throughout labor but had a difficult time keeping her on the monitor... she was so small she was able to move away from it. About an hour before she was born the nurses were unable to find her on the monitor but hoped that she was just being evasive again.
We began pushing with the hopes that we would hear our daughter's cry. When she finally came I knew that she was already home. It was so hard to breathe knowing that I would never see her look at me, never hear her cry or even see her take a breath. But it was such a peaceful feeling knowing that she would never suffer. She was born breech which was extremely difficult on her little body which was extremely swollen because of fluid build up in her abdomen and around her brain.
We were all able to hold this sweet little girl. Everyone had a chance to hold her and Dr. Sanders stayed to take pictures of her. After a while everyone left Skeet and I alone with her to say our goodbyes. We knew this would be the last time we would see her on this earth and I wanted to cherish every second I had with her even though I knew it was just her body. She was with her Heavenly Father and she was finally safe and happy. I know that we will be with her again someday and I get great comfort knowing that she is always watching over us. I held onto her until I started feeling weak and sick and I knew it was time to let go. That was probably the hardest moment in my life. Skeet took her from me and walked her down to the nursery so that she could be weighed and measured. She was extremely tiny at only 2 pounds 9 ounces and 13 inches long.
Skeet and I made burial arrangements with the help of my mom and sister. As difficult as it was we laid her to rest on October 17th. It was a beautiful, private ceremony that honored my daughter like I had hoped it would. We were surrounded by our families and closest friends and even those that had not met her were blessed by this sweet spirit. I miss her every second of every day and I feel so extremely empty without her. I have a hard time because for so long my only purpose on this earth was to carry this child, to keep her safe and healthy and now I don't know what I am even here for. I know I just need to take it a day at a time...it will get better. My arms ache for her but I know I will hold her again some day.
Thank you all who have been such a great support to me. Thank you for your prayers and your love. I know this time would have been so much more difficult without you. I am waiting for a disc of pictures from Dr. Sanders and will post some when I have them. I feel so blessed to have had you all with me through this difficult journey.

Our Precious Little Angel

Avery was born on Saturday October 13th at 3:17 am. She came after 3 days of me being in and out of the hospital for pre-term labor, dehydration and then my water breaking on Friday evening. Our amazing doctor, Dr. Sanders, told us her heart must have stopped within an hour before her birth. She was on monitor but moved around so much that we could never really keep her there. So we were not aware that her heart had stopped until she was born. She weighed 2 lbs 9 ozs and was 13 inches long. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I guess I would be a little partial. We are having a private, family graveside service on Wednesday the 17th. It is still hard for me to write about so I will try to post our story soon. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. We feel so blessed that she did not suffer and is now with her Father in Heaven.

Genetic Counsler

Hello everyone! I want to start by telling you that we had an ultrasound on Tuesday and got to see our daughters face in 3D. She is beautiful. She has a cute little nose and pouty lips like her cousin Jacie. Unfortunately we were unable to get any pictures printed out because there was something wrong with the ultrasound machine. Dr. Sanders had promised us a couple more ultrasounds so hopefully at the next one we will get some cute pictures. Nothing has really changed as far as her measurements go. She still has really short arms and legs and her chest is very small. She is developing fluid in her abdomen and around her heart but not enough to worry about just yet. My amniotic fluid levels are still normal and we could see Avery sucking and swallowing the fluid. Did I mention she is so cute?

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Sanders because I was scared I was going into pre-term labor. My back had started to hurt and I started to panic. He checked me and said that I had started to soften so they hooked me up to the monitor and watched for contractions for the next hour. Luckily there wasn't much activity as far as contractions go so I was not sent over to labor and delivery. I am not ready for Avery to come yet. She is way too small right now, she only weighs about a pound and a half. The good thing about being hooked up to the monitors was that I was able to feel Avery move more than she ever has! She was all over the place and really didn't like the monitors on her. It was fun to hear her heartbeat and feel her move so much!
So today I met with a Genetics Counselor in St. George. She had the results from the blood tests they did on Skeet and I. It turns out that the gene "mutation" they found on Avery's amnio is actually not a mutation at all. It is just something on the gene that was passed to her by her dad and has nothing to do with skeletal dysplasia. So now we can say, for sure, that she does not have Thanatophoric Dysplasia. But, they still believe that she does have some type of lethal skeletal dysplasia that will not allow her to live very long after birth. They can still tell from the ultrasounds and pictures of her chest and heart that her lungs have little to no room to develop properly. We are again, where we won't know what she has until after she is born. And, although they are almost certain it is lethal, they cannot tell us how long she will be with us so we could have hours or days.

They will have to do x-rays and possibly even an autopsy in order to give us a diagnosis. I don't really like the idea of an autopsy but I would like to know if this is something that may affect any future children, and that may be the only way they can tell us. She also told us that she is having a couple of doctors from Primary Children's in Salt Lake look at Avery's photos. If they both decide it looks lethal then we can carry on with our plans to deliver Avery here in Cedar. If they think for any reason that she has a chance at survival, we may have to deliver in St. George or even Salt Lake. So once again, I feel like everything is up in the air. I was finally feeling like I could just try to enjoy the next few weeks with my baby and not have to worry about any of the other details but I guess things have changed. Hopefully by the first of next week she will be able to tell us something more. I feel very fortunate that we were able to speak with her ( I can't remember her name). She was very understanding and kind and I finally felt like someone knew they were talking about my daughter, not just a non-viable fetus. She told me that we need to cherish our time with her and respect her life. And also that we need to try to make her time on earth as peaceful and full of love as we can.

So that is all the news I have today. I wish I could share the ultrasound photos with you but you will just have to take my word for it! I have another appointment with Dr. Sanders next week and will be hearing back from our Genetics Counselor so I will probably do another update then. Thank you again for your prayers and kind words, please continue to pray for this beautiful little girl.

Another day... another Dr. appointment

We saw Dr. Sanders this morning, and I guess I will start seeing him every two weeks now. I think this was the hardest appointment we have had so far and it is all because Dr. Sanders cried. I knew it was going to be a tough appointment because there were so many things that I wanted to say that I had been rehearsing in my head for weeks now.
Let me tell you again how great Dr. Sanders is. I didn't even have to say any of the things I had rehearsed, he said it all for me. He said that we would treat this like any other pregnancy other than he is planning on doing ultrasounds for me once a month until she is born. He also said that in most cases like ours they wouldn't monitor the baby during labor but he would like to so that he can give us the best chance of having her born alive so that we can have those precious moments with her. He warned us again that there is a good chance that she may not make it to birth, which is something I knew was a possibility. He cried when he said that he wishes he could take it all away and make everything turn out okay for us.
I know a lot of you will be disappointed to read this but my hope for her being okay is all but gone. It is so hard for me to keep that hope alive when everything is telling me that it isn't going to turn out the way I have been praying for. Now my main hope is that we will at least have a few moments with her before she returns home, and my prayers are that I will have the strength to cope with it all, and most of all that she will not suffer.
I appreciate all of your prayers and kind words and I really wish I could give everyone the good news that they have been hoping for. I am afraid that if I keep trying to believe that our prayers will be answered, but God has other plans, I will not be able to get through this hard time with my sanity. I love my little girl with all my heart and I will keep fighting for her but I know the time will come when I will need to let her go and I have to try to be strong enough to get through that time. Thank you again for everything.

Bad Days...

I have been having a really hard time since our last appointment. I think it is because I have realized that I am now in my 3rd trimester and my due date is quickly approaching. The fear and anxiety of what may come is starting to take over and I don't feel like I have the strength to keep pushing forward. I had a major meltdown the other night and think I scared Skeet pretty badly. It was my first since our finding out about Avery's condition and I have a feeling it won't be my last.
I can't stop crying and I truly think I am beginning to go into denial about it all. I keep catching myself thinking that there is no way God would do this to us. That everything will be fine and the doctors are all wrong. And then I cry when I have force myself back to reality. There is such a good chance that Avery does have TD and that her lungs will not be developed enough when she is born. As much as I want to believe 100% that she will be fine I can't help but let what I have seen and heard dim my hopes. Skeet isn't very optimistic as well and I think it frustrates him a little when I get my hopes up.
Avery is our daughter and that will never change. I have decided that at my appointment next week I am going to tell Dr. Sanders that I don't want to see Dr. G anymore. I don't think there is much he is willing to do for us anyway. I want this pregnancy to be treated as any other pregnancy, which means all the testing and avoiding things that are unhealthy for the baby. I am sick of people saying "Well at this point it doesn't really matter". She is my baby, I love her and she is entitled to every moment of life that she can sustain on her own. Plus, we need to be able to cherish every moment we get with her as well. I don't want anything to take away from that time with her. So that means, when she is born I want her delivery treated as any other delivery. I would like to have the pediatrician there and the respiratory specialist, just in case. And I would like them to clean her up and give her oxygen if necessary but then I would like to hold her and keep her with me. Unless of course the doctors are wrong and she looks like she will be okay then they can do whatever they need to to keep her healthy.
I do not want my baby to suffer at all but I know that there are some things we have no control over. I am leaving the rest of it up to God. I know that he has a plan for Avery, I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in miracles but I also believe that Avery has a purpose in this world and we cannot change that. As hard as it is, I need to just accept that I do not have any control and leave it in God's hands. I will continue to pray for my little daughter's health and strength and I hope that you all will as well. She hardly moves at all but when she does I know she is just reminding me that she is there and that she needs to be loved. There are so many out there who love her and I know that every moment of her life has been and will be filled with love. Thank you for letting me vent... I do feel better now.

Not much to report

We had an appointment yesterday with Dr. G and unfortunately I don't have much to report. He explained to us again that the gene mutation they found looked similar to Thanatophoric Dysplasia but they had never seen anything like it before. They took blood from both Skeet and I and were just going to send us home. I had gone to the appointment thinking I would be able to see my little girl so I pushed a little and Dr. G finally agreed to do an ultrasound. He did mention that if it looked like Skeet or I were carriers of this gene mutation that they would probably stop doing any ultrasounds and would just "leave us alone". He also said that although he can't say 100% that it is lethal, he thinks that it is. I have to say that I am a little bit upset by his bad attitude the whole time we were there.

Luckily the tech that did our ultrasound was very nice and I felt comfortable asking her some questions. Avery was, once again, being very shy and was curled up in a ball in my pelvis. We got some great shots of the top of her head but couldn't see much more than that. We did see an arm and from the measurements she took her humerus was only measuring 14 weeks ( I am almost 27 weeks) which means it hasn't grown at all. This made both Skeet and I a little sad. I have been praying so hard that she would grow, even if it is just a little bit. Measurements of her chest and abdomen were also taken but from the position she was in I don't know how accurate they really were. Her heartbeat was at 152 when the tech checked and to me it looked like her chest had some room for lungs to develop, but maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. We did get to see her face and her cute little nose and lips for just a second, but like I said the position she was in made it almost impossible to see anything. One thing I was curious about was my fluid levels and the tech assured me after measuring them that they are normal.

After she was done the tech went to get Dr. G to see if he wanted to do any additional measurements. He finally came in and I could tell he didn't really want to be there. He zoomed in on her skull and he and the tech talked about seeing something in her brain, but I didn't even want to ask. He then mentioned that her head looked like it was abnormally shaped. When he looked at Avery's heart it looked to be beating extremely slow... even slower than mine. He said "it looks like we are losing her" without any emotion at all. I couldn't understand how her heart could go from beating just fine to almost not at all in just minutes. He moved the wand around and her heart looked fine again. So he blamed the software on the ultrasound machine! I was furious!!! After everything we have been through, he suggests that we are losing her right then and there without an ounce of emotion, then takes it back like it is nothing. I wanted to scream at him... I still want to scream at him. I wasn't ready to lose her yet and I was really starting to panic. So anyway, he ended the appointment saying that we will just wait and see what our blood test shows before doing anything else.

So we play the waiting game again. I have a feeling, and have somewhat accepted, that we won't know sweet Avery's fate until she is born. Skeet and I discussed it on the way home and have decided that we will stick with Dr. Sanders and have Avery in Cedar city. I truly believe that if she is going to make it, it won't matter which hospital she is at. And, if she doesn't make it, I would much rather have her close to our families so that anyone that wants to meet her can be there. I feel deep down in my gut that this is the right decision, and am relieved that Dr. Sanders will be delivering her as we had originally planned. We are very comfortable with him and know that he will be sensitive to our situation and supportive of our decisions. I will see him next week for a prenatal check up and will discuss a birth plan with him. Hopefully he will attempt another 3D ultrasound, I plan on standing on my head before the appointment.

Again, I want to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers. Skeet and I have been blessed with amazing families and anytime I start to lose hope I know I can turn to them. They are constantly praying for us and truly believe in the power of prayer. They have been keeping me strong and I want them to know how much I appreciate all of them. I feel Avery move on a daily basis and I cherish every little movement I feel. I want you all to know that whatever happens, we will always remember your kindness and will be forever thankful for it.