We saw Dr. Sanders this morning, and I guess I will start seeing him every two weeks now. I think this was the hardest appointment we have had so far and it is all because Dr. Sanders cried. I knew it was going to be a tough appointment because there were so many things that I wanted to say that I had been rehearsing in my head for weeks now.
Let me tell you again how great Dr. Sanders is. I didn't even have to say any of the things I had rehearsed, he said it all for me. He said that we would treat this like any other pregnancy other than he is planning on doing ultrasounds for me once a month until she is born. He also said that in most cases like ours they wouldn't monitor the baby during labor but he would like to so that he can give us the best chance of having her born alive so that we can have those precious moments with her. He warned us again that there is a good chance that she may not make it to birth, which is something I knew was a possibility. He cried when he said that he wishes he could take it all away and make everything turn out okay for us.
I know a lot of you will be disappointed to read this but my hope for her being okay is all but gone. It is so hard for me to keep that hope alive when everything is telling me that it isn't going to turn out the way I have been praying for. Now my main hope is that we will at least have a few moments with her before she returns home, and my prayers are that I will have the strength to cope with it all, and most of all that she will not suffer.
I appreciate all of your prayers and kind words and I really wish I could give everyone the good news that they have been hoping for. I am afraid that if I keep trying to believe that our prayers will be answered, but God has other plans, I will not be able to get through this hard time with my sanity. I love my little girl with all my heart and I will keep fighting for her but I know the time will come when I will need to let her go and I have to try to be strong enough to get through that time. Thank you again for everything.
6 comments:
Your faith and perseverence through this journey is very inspirational. I watch for updates from you frequently and pray for you often. I understand the losing hope part and I am so sorry. There's no right or wrong when it comes to your experiences-you are going thru deep waters. Thank you for continuing to update us all-I'll keep praying and hoping until you report Avery is with her Heavenly Father. Until then, I will pray for your continued strength, and courage. You really have brought much Glory to God thru all of this. Again, my heart aches for you and I wish words could help:-)
Because I don't know what to say, this a BIG hug ( ). The three of you are still in my prayers daily, and I will continue to offer them as long as needed. I pray that God sends you peace, most of all.
Godspeed,
Candi
YaYa to Bryan
Candi, I think I may have come across your blog on the Babycenter board. I don't remember now but I do know that sweet Avery has touched my heart and has been in my prayers. My heart breaks for you because I can relate to what you are going thru and the uncertainty that you are facing. Our daughter Sydney Grace was born 9/17/00 and died 9/22/00. She was diagnosed with what they thought was thanatophoric dysplasia when I was 19 weeks pregnant. My water broke at 29 weeks and it wasn't until after she was born that she was correctly diagnosed with osteogenesis imperfecta type 2.
I clearly remember how hard, very hard, it was to still be pregnant and not know if my daughter would survive. I didn't know anyone else at all that had ever faced anything similar. I felt all alone. I would love to try and help you in any way I can and even share Sydney's website with you. My email is ourangelsydneygrace@hotmail.com and her website is http://www.geocities.com/ ourangelsydneygrace/index.html
I will be keeping you, Avery, and your family in my prayers. May God give you strength and comfort you as only He can.
Heather
Candice:
I have been so totally impressed with your honesty and the fact that you are true to your emotions whatever they are. I firmly believe you have already been the absolute best parent that Avery could ask for. I'm so glad you have found a doctor that treats you as special and as important as you deserve. Please let me know if I can ever do anything at all for you!
Myndee Kay
Prayers for you and your family are constant. I don't understand why things like this happen and I never will. I will continue to keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Jennifer/Owen's grandma
I'll bet you don't feel very strong now but it's times like this when you will look back and see just how much God has been holding you up for others to see His glory.
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