Back to work

First of all I need to apologize for not wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving sooner! I hope everyone had a great holiday and were able to take some time to ponder what you are thankful for. I would like to take a moment to share a few things I am very thankful for. I am so thankful for my husband, without him I would be completely lost. We don't always understand each other and we don't always agree but we love each other deeply and I truly believe we were meant to be! I am thankful for my family and for my in-laws. They have been such a great source of support and comfort to us over the past couple of years. For my friends, old and new, you are all so special to me. I am thankful for my health. This one is especially important to me right now seeing how I just got over the stomach flu and am so happy that I feel better. This year I have something new to be thankful for... my daughter. I still wish, more than anything, that she could still be with us and be a happy, healthy little girl; but I know that she was too special to stay here on this earth. And although we didn't have a lot of time with her she has been such a huge blessing. She has helped to make me a better person. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love my little girl. She has helped me work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and she has helped me to realize that love and family are the most important things and life is too short to spend time worrying about the things we cannot change.

I am, of course, thankful for many other things but I know you all don't have all day to read my rantings so I will move on. I returned to work on Tuesday after recovering from the 24 hour flu bug I fought on Monday. (It's pretty bad when you have to call in sick on your first day back to work) Things at work haven't changed much, and everyone is being really nice to me. But, it is still so hard for me to be there. I keep thinking about how I should be taking another 6 weeks off to care for a new baby, and that the last time everyone saw me I was happily plump and my little girl was still alive. I have been fighting the tears off for the past two days so that people don't think that I am losing it. They all look at my like I may lose it any minute as it is. Especially when they come into my office to tell me that they are so sorry for my loss. All I can say is thank you and then there is awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I would love to talk about Avery but they don't ask and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I suffer in silence praying that someone would just ask me about her. I am so proud of my daughter, she was beautiful and such a special little girl. I think that after a week or so I will be able to get through a day at work without wanting to scream at everyone to stop pretending like she never happened. I know I am not being fair... I think I may be dealing with the "anger" stage of grieving. Or maybe I wasn't quite ready to go back to work. Either way I know it will get easier I just have to stay positive and remember that it is just a job and there are more important things in life.

Sorry to say, I have no pictures yet. Well I have one and I will post it but please keep in mind that it isn't a very good picture. It was one that was taken with our sub-par camera and I tried to make it look better. You may not see her the way I do but I think she is the sweetest little angel ever! And you can't tell from this picture but she had a full head of jet black hair just like I did when I was a baby. I knew she would after all that heartburn.

Well off to bed....