Hollywood here I come!

I am officially a TV star! Well not really but I did make it on to CMT this weekend. The footage they shot at the concert was actually just for an advertisement for a contest that Rascal Flatts is doing with their new video. My mom got a call from the girl that does our nails (thanks Jamie!) saying that she just saw us on a preview for CMT Insider. So I set my DVR to record Sunday morning and while I was getting ready for church Skeet yells "you're on TV!!" I looked like a complete idiot who was having way too much fun and my mom looked like she was doing her best to stay out of the shot, but at least we didn't look like the drunk girls that they showed right after us! You could tell that they were completely wasted!
So yes, now you are reading the blog of a real celebrity! I will be signing autographs... just send me your request and I will get it in the mail! Just kidding... I really hope that none of you see it. I doubt they will air it that much, thank goodness, because I really am so embarrassed. Especially because the first thing, and only thing, you notice is my ginormous nose!

Okay, enough of that- moving on, I got through Avery's 5 month birthday without much incident. It was hard and I cried but I dealt with it okay. It seems that the pain doesn't really go away but it just gets easier to bear. Skeet and I stopped by the cemetery on Saturday to put out the solar lights that we received from some family friends after Avery's passing. It will be one of few in her area that have lights at night. I think it was the first time Skeet has seen her headstone and he seemed really impressed with how it turned out. I have been thinking a lot about her lately, if you haven't noticed. We still have not heard a final diagnosis yet even though I have been calling once a week to try to get a hold of them. I am torn about whether or not we should even start trying for another baby until we find out. I think that both of my sister's in law are a little scared to start trying too. We all try to remember that feeling of peace we felt when Avery was born. Sloane told me after Avery was born that she felt that everything was going to be okay. I felt it too but now I can't help but be a little apprehensive about it all. Yesterday, I returned home after receiving my patriarchal blessing, my face was tear stained and I felt exhausted- but more than that, I was full of the spirit. It was an amazing experience that I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. The more I thought about all that had been said the more I focused on my future children. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a healthy baby in my arms, knowing that I was responsible for it's life. The thought was completely overwhelming to me. I pictured myself holding this child and crying because I still missed my angel in heaven. Or maybe the tears were tears of relief, I am not sure but that picture in my mind filled me with a feeling that can only be described as bittersweet.

I had better end this now before I get too emotional- I don't want to be sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out. I know I have been on a lyric kick lately and you are probably all sick of it -but one song has been stuck in my mind the past few days. This song was one that, when I was pregnant, brought be to tears every time I heard it. It reminded me to cherish the time I had with my Avery because it was time I would not get back. It also helped me to remember that there are things in life that may seem huge at the time but those things usually end up being small and unimportant compared to family, friends and love. It is a song by Carrie Underwood. I promise this is my last lyric sharing post!

So Small

What you got if you ain't got love,
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you hole

While your sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Some more thoughts...

I want to thank all of you that posted such kind words about Avery and her headstone. I am very pleased with the way it turned out and believe that it is the perfect memorial for my little girl. It is a place that I can go and remember her for the rest of my life so it is very important to me that it is just right. Also, a little update about my blood work, my FSH levels are normal but my estradiol levels are on the low side of normal. This may be the cause of my hot flashes. Thanks to a post, I discovered that the night sweats were actually caused by the Zoloft I had been taking. I have been off of it for over a week now and have noticed a huge difference. Thank you for helping me figure that one out. I have not been able to discuss with Dr. Sanders if these test results are good indicators of whether or not I may be able to conceive naturally. I believe it is a good sign that my cycles are regular but that doesn't necessarily guarantee that I will ovulate, which was my problem in the past. I will just keep hoping that more children are part of God's plan for Skeet and I, and try to have faith that He knows what is best for us.

Which brings me to the main reason for this post. As I sat in my church meetings this past Sunday I heard something that was extremely humbling. My Stake President spoke on the obligation of parents to their children. As parents, our duty is to "save" our children. We have the responsibility to teach them and guide them so that when they are out in the world, making their own decisions, they will be able to choose the path to The Lord. That sounds about right, I am sure most parents know that how they live their lives and what they teach their children is what will shape them as they grow. So, with tears running down my face, I sat there wondering if He thought that maybe I wouldn't have raised Avery right. Maybe He knew that I wouldn't have been able to save her so He did before I could screw up as a parent. But then, a feeling of peace came over me and I knew that-that wasn't the case at all. Avery was meant to save me. I know I have mentioned something similar before, but how humbling to realize that instead of me saving my child, she saved me. Her affect on my life also changed the way that I will raise my future children, I am more capable now of saving them than I was before.
I pray that as parents, we will always remember that our children look up to us. They watch us at all times and they learn not only from what we teach them but from what we do. We are responsible for the values and knowledge they take with them into adulthood, and if we do our best at saving them, they are more likely to choose to save their children as well.
I will be eternally grateful to my angel for saving me, for helping me in a way that no one else could. What an amazing gift.

Before I sign off for the night, I wanted to ask you all to pray for Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth. Tricia has been placed on the transplant list and activated, please pray that she will receive a new set of lungs soon. Also, pray for the possible donors and their families.

Goodnight.

Avery's Headstone

Here it is... I am very pleased with the way it turned out. It was definitely worth the wait! The first photo shows the wreath I made to mark her site until the headstone was finished. I could take it down now...but I really don't want to! :) And of course I had to have the daisies because they are my favorite flower.

Here is something you might not know, when we were making her burial arrangements and it was time to pick out a casket (I had been dreading it), we walked into the room to look at the only infant casket they had in stock and I took one look and knew it was perfect. I didn't know the price all I knew is that it was the perfect casket for my little girl, do you know why?... It had daisies on it! It was beautiful, white and it had daisies carved into both the top and the sides. I found out after that it even came with daisy seeds for me to plant in memory of her as well as a small bear named Daisy that she was buried with. The Lord must have known that I was unable to handle the stress of picking out the box in which my beautiful daughter would be buried so He made it very easy for me.

It's In!

I visited the cemetery today (like I always do on Mondays) and to my surprise, they had put Avery's headstone in sometime between Saturday afternoon and this afternoon. It looks so beautiful! I am so happy to finally have it in. I will post pictures soon!

It is starting again!

After 4 months of hot flashes and night sweats I decided it was time to ask Dr. Sanders if there might be something wrong with me. He suggested a blood test to see what my hormone levels look like. He thinks there may be something wrong with my ovaries! It's only February and I am already having medical problems. I was hoping to at least make it to June or July without having to have any blood drawn. I also talked to Dr. S about my cycles, which have been regular over the past 3 months. That is the first time in my life that I have not had to take some sort of birth control or medication to have a regular cycle 2 or more months in a row. He sounded very optimistic and told me that I should start using the ovulation predictor tests to see if I am now able to ovulate. How great would it be if we didn't have to do IVF again? Nothing against Dr. D and his staff, but it would be nice to do it like most people do and maybe even have it be a surprise! I went out the next day and had my blood drawn then I went to the store, got my prenatal vitamins refilled and purchased a ovulation predictor kit. It won't do us much good this month with Skeet being away but I will be prepared next month!
I made the mistake of wandering past the nursery when I was at the hospital getting my blood drawn. There was a beautiful little baby girl in the window and for the first time since Avery was born I felt like I am ready to try for another baby. I knew that it was time. I am not sure I will be able to convince Skeet that it is time but in my heart I know that I am meant to be a mother and I shouldn't be putting it off. I miss my Avery, I wish so badly that I could see her everyday, hold her, hear her cry and smell her soft skin, but I can't. Not yet anyway. It was really hard to see that little baby girl in the window but I am glad I took the detour.
I saw Avery's headstone the other day, it hasn't been put in yet but I drove past the memorial office and saw it sitting out back. I knew it was Avery's because of the inscription I had put on the back. I wish the snow would stop and the ground would thaw so that we could have it put in. I will take pictures when it does finally go in so that I can share it with all of you.
I will let you know what I hear back about my blood tests. I am praying that he will tell me that everything is fine and my hormones are finally normal! The new job is going great! I really love it in this department and everyone has been really friendly and welcoming. I have made a decision about my future that I am very excited about, in about a year and a half I will be transferring to another school so that I can finish up in another field. Instead of Business Management I would like to do Radiology and specialize in ultrasounds/sonograms. I have a few general education classes to finish before I can be accepted into the program but I am so excited to get started. I feel like it is something that I can really enjoy doing and that I can possibly help others. What a great job, to be able to share in other people's happiness and also to be able to comfort and relate to those that get difficult news. After having had to work with some very cold people when we found out about Avery's condition, I know that I could make a difference to people in a situation like that.
Well I have written enough today. I will post news as I get it!