Some more thoughts...

I want to thank all of you that posted such kind words about Avery and her headstone. I am very pleased with the way it turned out and believe that it is the perfect memorial for my little girl. It is a place that I can go and remember her for the rest of my life so it is very important to me that it is just right. Also, a little update about my blood work, my FSH levels are normal but my estradiol levels are on the low side of normal. This may be the cause of my hot flashes. Thanks to a post, I discovered that the night sweats were actually caused by the Zoloft I had been taking. I have been off of it for over a week now and have noticed a huge difference. Thank you for helping me figure that one out. I have not been able to discuss with Dr. Sanders if these test results are good indicators of whether or not I may be able to conceive naturally. I believe it is a good sign that my cycles are regular but that doesn't necessarily guarantee that I will ovulate, which was my problem in the past. I will just keep hoping that more children are part of God's plan for Skeet and I, and try to have faith that He knows what is best for us.

Which brings me to the main reason for this post. As I sat in my church meetings this past Sunday I heard something that was extremely humbling. My Stake President spoke on the obligation of parents to their children. As parents, our duty is to "save" our children. We have the responsibility to teach them and guide them so that when they are out in the world, making their own decisions, they will be able to choose the path to The Lord. That sounds about right, I am sure most parents know that how they live their lives and what they teach their children is what will shape them as they grow. So, with tears running down my face, I sat there wondering if He thought that maybe I wouldn't have raised Avery right. Maybe He knew that I wouldn't have been able to save her so He did before I could screw up as a parent. But then, a feeling of peace came over me and I knew that-that wasn't the case at all. Avery was meant to save me. I know I have mentioned something similar before, but how humbling to realize that instead of me saving my child, she saved me. Her affect on my life also changed the way that I will raise my future children, I am more capable now of saving them than I was before.
I pray that as parents, we will always remember that our children look up to us. They watch us at all times and they learn not only from what we teach them but from what we do. We are responsible for the values and knowledge they take with them into adulthood, and if we do our best at saving them, they are more likely to choose to save their children as well.
I will be eternally grateful to my angel for saving me, for helping me in a way that no one else could. What an amazing gift.

Before I sign off for the night, I wanted to ask you all to pray for Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth. Tricia has been placed on the transplant list and activated, please pray that she will receive a new set of lungs soon. Also, pray for the possible donors and their families.

Goodnight.

Avery's Headstone

Here it is... I am very pleased with the way it turned out. It was definitely worth the wait! The first photo shows the wreath I made to mark her site until the headstone was finished. I could take it down now...but I really don't want to! :) And of course I had to have the daisies because they are my favorite flower.

Here is something you might not know, when we were making her burial arrangements and it was time to pick out a casket (I had been dreading it), we walked into the room to look at the only infant casket they had in stock and I took one look and knew it was perfect. I didn't know the price all I knew is that it was the perfect casket for my little girl, do you know why?... It had daisies on it! It was beautiful, white and it had daisies carved into both the top and the sides. I found out after that it even came with daisy seeds for me to plant in memory of her as well as a small bear named Daisy that she was buried with. The Lord must have known that I was unable to handle the stress of picking out the box in which my beautiful daughter would be buried so He made it very easy for me.

It's In!

I visited the cemetery today (like I always do on Mondays) and to my surprise, they had put Avery's headstone in sometime between Saturday afternoon and this afternoon. It looks so beautiful! I am so happy to finally have it in. I will post pictures soon!

It is starting again!

After 4 months of hot flashes and night sweats I decided it was time to ask Dr. Sanders if there might be something wrong with me. He suggested a blood test to see what my hormone levels look like. He thinks there may be something wrong with my ovaries! It's only February and I am already having medical problems. I was hoping to at least make it to June or July without having to have any blood drawn. I also talked to Dr. S about my cycles, which have been regular over the past 3 months. That is the first time in my life that I have not had to take some sort of birth control or medication to have a regular cycle 2 or more months in a row. He sounded very optimistic and told me that I should start using the ovulation predictor tests to see if I am now able to ovulate. How great would it be if we didn't have to do IVF again? Nothing against Dr. D and his staff, but it would be nice to do it like most people do and maybe even have it be a surprise! I went out the next day and had my blood drawn then I went to the store, got my prenatal vitamins refilled and purchased a ovulation predictor kit. It won't do us much good this month with Skeet being away but I will be prepared next month!
I made the mistake of wandering past the nursery when I was at the hospital getting my blood drawn. There was a beautiful little baby girl in the window and for the first time since Avery was born I felt like I am ready to try for another baby. I knew that it was time. I am not sure I will be able to convince Skeet that it is time but in my heart I know that I am meant to be a mother and I shouldn't be putting it off. I miss my Avery, I wish so badly that I could see her everyday, hold her, hear her cry and smell her soft skin, but I can't. Not yet anyway. It was really hard to see that little baby girl in the window but I am glad I took the detour.
I saw Avery's headstone the other day, it hasn't been put in yet but I drove past the memorial office and saw it sitting out back. I knew it was Avery's because of the inscription I had put on the back. I wish the snow would stop and the ground would thaw so that we could have it put in. I will take pictures when it does finally go in so that I can share it with all of you.
I will let you know what I hear back about my blood tests. I am praying that he will tell me that everything is fine and my hormones are finally normal! The new job is going great! I really love it in this department and everyone has been really friendly and welcoming. I have made a decision about my future that I am very excited about, in about a year and a half I will be transferring to another school so that I can finish up in another field. Instead of Business Management I would like to do Radiology and specialize in ultrasounds/sonograms. I have a few general education classes to finish before I can be accepted into the program but I am so excited to get started. I feel like it is something that I can really enjoy doing and that I can possibly help others. What a great job, to be able to share in other people's happiness and also to be able to comfort and relate to those that get difficult news. After having had to work with some very cold people when we found out about Avery's condition, I know that I could make a difference to people in a situation like that.
Well I have written enough today. I will post news as I get it!

Sharing time

I have been playing with some pictures of our wedding day. Thought I would share them with you all! We were married on September 27, 2003 at the Willow Glen Inn in Enoch, UT. Isn't my husband handsome? What a hottie!


These are some pictures from Avery's birthday




Me and my mom




Avery and her Aunt Charise



Avery and her Grandpa Frank






Avery's cousin Jacie




My beautiful Angel

I guess that is enough for tonight...

I started my new job this past Monday. I cannot believe how much of a difference it is making already. The atmosphere in my new department is so friendly and quiet. I can finally look forward to going to work again, it is truly refreshing.
We still haven' t heard back from the genetics specialist, I still don't know if I even really care but I feel like I need to get an answer before we start our next round of In Vitro. Also, I called about Avery's headstone this week. I was told that if the weather stayed nice the ground may thaw enough to get it in by the end of the week... then it snowed... a lot. So I guess that I will have to wait longer. If it keeps snowing the way it has been it may not be in until June. I really hope not!!

It's all a matter of choice

This morning I was checking in on Nate, Tricia and Gwenyth ( http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/ ) and something Nate said really hit me. If you are reading their blog you will know what I am talking about, if you are not... you should be. He mentioned that someone had said that Satan was the one that was responsible for all they had been through. I am so sad for the person that really believes that.

We are given trials to help us to grow, to build us up and bring us closer to The Lord. Satan will try to interfere; He will use our trials to try to draw us away from our Heavenly Father. If we let Him, if we give in to Satan, we might become angered at God for allowing something bad to happen to us. We should do the opposite. We should thank the Lord for allowing us the strength to cope with whatever it is we have been handed. We should draw nearer to Him to find peace and comfort. We should NOT give Satan the satisfaction of seeing our relationship with God become weak.

When we first found out that Avery may not live I wanted to be mad at someone. I wanted to be able to put the blame on someone and at times I even thought I was being punished. Having those thoughts in my mind made it even harder for me to face what was happening. It only took a few days for me to decide to put it all in the Lord's hands. It was still hard to accept that it all was happening but the more that I believed that there was a reason, the easier it became for me to lean on Him to get through it. Now, there is no doubt in my mind that Avery is a beautiful gift that was given to me to teach me and help me grow.

My dad said something at lunch the other day that really made sense. It made me cry, but it made sense. He asked me if I ever thought that maybe Avery volunteered to forfeit her time on this earth to help her parents. That maybe she was meant to bless our lives in a way that she wouldn't have been able to if she had stayed. We could have become bitter toward God; we could have cursed him and pulled away. Instead, that beautiful little face reminds me everyday that I am extremely blessed to have had her in my life. I thank the Lord every day for her life and the blessings that it has brought into ours. Some may think that trials are the work of Satan but I believe that it is all about how you choose to view those trials and whether or not you learn and grow from them. We should all thank our Heavenly Father daily for the trials that we have been given. They are what shape us and make us who we are.

No one is more of a testament to this than Nate, Tricia and sweet little Gwenyth Rose.

New Beginnings

Since the first day I returned to work after Avery's birth I have felt like maybe it was time for me to find something else. It was hard to come back to a place so filled with drama and contention. In the department that I work there is always a fight going on, someone is gossiping about someone else. There is always someone who has been offended and isn't speaking to someone else. With all the emotions I was experiencing, working in that environment was draining me. I have always been the person in the office that is neutral. I try to stay out of the drama but somehow get dragged into it every time. I think it is because people have learned that they can come into my office and vent and I won't agree or disagree, I will just listen and smile and let them get it off their chest. What they don't know is that what they get off their chest, ends up weighing me down. This, on top of my missing and grieving Avery's passing, was making my life almost unbearable. When I wasn't on anti-depressants I was crying every day, and I was exhausted all the time. The anti-depressants help but they also make me numb to the emotions I need to feel to help me mourn my little girl. So, I would rather not have to take them but do so to make life bearable.

A little over a week ago I returned to work after a sick day and found that I had been passed over for a promotion and a raise. The person that had been promoted hadn't been here as long as I have and was actually hired to take some of my work load. That was the slap in the face I needed to start looking elsewhere. I applied for a job that very same day within the University and the next week I had an interview. Yesterday I was offered that job. I am so excited. In a way, I feel like it will be a chance for me to start over! I am sad about certain things I will leave behind but I look forward to a new atmosphere and some new faces. I am especially looking forward to a bigger paycheck!

In addition to all of this, I have been working especially hard on my spiritual growth. Never in my life have I been so enthusiastic about attending my church meetings and reading the scriptures. I have never been able to pass up temptation so easily. The things that used to drag me down in the past don't haunt me anymore. I almost feel free from all that has kept me from being the person I didn't know I have always wanted to be. My priorities have changed so much and I am especially proud of the fact that I have been doing so well at not spending money. After Avery was born I used online shopping as an outlet, it gave me something to look forward to. I would order something just so that I could look forward to receiving the package, but when the package came I had nothing left to look forward to. I have been clean for a month now! Every time I think I need to buy something I remind myself that I could be paying off our IVF debt and saving for another try.

Avery's life has blessed me in so many ways. I still wish, every day, that she could still be here with me. However, the things that I have learned and the change in my heart may have never come to pass if it weren't for my sweet baby girl. I make decisions now based on whether or not I would disappoint her or if I would make her proud. Because of her I am becoming a better person which will help me be a better mother to her brothers and/or sisters. Whether it's through another successful round of In Vitro or through adoption, I look forward to helping them about their know how special their beautiful big sister is.

Please Pray

Recently I came across a blog (through Renay Valiant-Thank you Renay!) that has really touched me in so many ways. Please stop by and read their story http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/ (it may take some time! Nathan is wonderful at updating). This family has been through so much and have so many trials ahead of them. Please remember them in your prayers!

To Nathan, Tricia & Gwenyth- Your strength and faith is inspiring, I will continue to check your site and pray for you! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Beliefs

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog entry. At first I was very upset that a web-site could claim to be non-denominational and still turn away a story because it was against the Catholic faith. But, instead of getting bitter, I decided to look further into the matter. The answers that I found were exactly like those that you shared with me. I am not going to say that anyone's beliefs are wrong or right. I will say, however, that I am very sad for those that truly believe that a child born through extensive fertility treatments, such as IVF, are born against God's will and therefore miss out on the opportunity to have a child of their own flesh and blood.

In an article I read it stated that children are not something that is owed to us, they are a gift. I agree that all children are a gift. Some are gifts that are treated carelessly and tossed away, some are gifts that are taken for granted and not enjoyed and loved as they deserve to be, and some are gifts that are forgotten by some but cherished by others. A child born by the means of In Vitro are no less of a gift than those conceived by natural means. If anything, in some cases, they may be considered more. I was devastated when I was told that I would not be able to have children naturally. That I would have to go through extensive treatments and even those weren't a guarantee. The opportunity for couples to bear children, even after they have been told they would never be able to, is truly a gift from God. And, those children are gifts that are cherished above all things because they are miraculous. Now this doesn't mean that I think children that are conceived naturally are not miraculous gifts from God, because they are. All children are miracles and they are all the most precious gift we could ever receive.

I believe that if God did not want me to have a child, the In Vitro would have never worked. If His plan did not consist of us having a child of our own flesh and blood then He would have never allowed those little embryos to latch on and grow and develop. Avery did not come to us naturally because she was meant to be so much more than just a gift to us, she was meant to change our lives in a way that we could have never expected. The fact that she was conceived via IVF made us cherish her so much more because we were told we may never have a child.

Some would argue that if you are not able to have children of your own you should just adopt. I am not against adoption. I plan on adopting, I have always wanted to adopt. I made the choice to do In Vitro because something deep down in my soul told me that I needed to. We didn't have the means to pay for it, but we found a way. We did it because we knew our chances were better if we did so while we were young. Age doesn't have a big impact on adoption. That is something that I can do for years to come. I knew that there was a child waiting for us, so we made the decision to have IVF done before we even knew how we would pay for it. Even if our next attempt at IVF does not result in a pregnancy, I will never regret our decision to do In Vitro. Avery is and always will be my daughter and I would do it all over again just to be able to carry her inside of me and hold her for that very short time.

Thank you all for your kind words and for your love for my little girl. I am so glad that it is not against my faith to have IVF, because I would have gone against my faith in a heartbeat. I know that it sounds terrible, but I wanted a child so very badly I would have tried just about anything!

Question- I would like your input please

A few days ago I was asked to share Avery's story on a website designed to help mothers and families who have been given a poor prenatal diagnosis. They have yet to have any stories on Skeletal Dysplasias. I am a Christian but I am not Catholic. After submitting my story and photos I was told that the website was a non-denominational but because their board members were Catholic it would be against their faith to post a story about a child that was conceived by In Vitro Fertilization.
For some reason this really upset me and I am trying to figure out why. I guess I don't understand why it would be "against" any faith to just post a story such as ours. Is it In Vitro or is it all fertility treatments? Where is the line drawn? I don't want to offend anyone, I am not saying that your beliefs are wrong if you are Catholic, I just want to understand where this belief comes from and why. Now I am going to have to look deeper into my own religion and see if there are any guidelines for those of us that are unable to conceive naturally. Does this mean that Catholics are told not to use other methods to conceive if they are told that they are unable to do so with "normal" methods? I find this very hard to believe. I also have a hard time believing that every single story I read on that website started with 100% natural conception.
I hope that I have not offended anyone. I would just like to understand why Avery's story was rejected because of my choice to do IVF. I would appreciate your input. I don't want a battle of the religions to start I just want to know where this comes from and why so that I don't have to be upset anymore.

Thank you!