Recently I came across a blog (through Renay Valiant-Thank you Renay!) that has really touched me in so many ways. Please stop by and read their story http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/ (it may take some time! Nathan is wonderful at updating). This family has been through so much and have so many trials ahead of them. Please remember them in your prayers!
To Nathan, Tricia & Gwenyth- Your strength and faith is inspiring, I will continue to check your site and pray for you! Thank you for sharing your story with us!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Beliefs
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog entry. At first I was very upset that a web-site could claim to be non-denominational and still turn away a story because it was against the Catholic faith. But, instead of getting bitter, I decided to look further into the matter. The answers that I found were exactly like those that you shared with me. I am not going to say that anyone's beliefs are wrong or right. I will say, however, that I am very sad for those that truly believe that a child born through extensive fertility treatments, such as IVF, are born against God's will and therefore miss out on the opportunity to have a child of their own flesh and blood.
In an article I read it stated that children are not something that is owed to us, they are a gift. I agree that all children are a gift. Some are gifts that are treated carelessly and tossed away, some are gifts that are taken for granted and not enjoyed and loved as they deserve to be, and some are gifts that are forgotten by some but cherished by others. A child born by the means of In Vitro are no less of a gift than those conceived by natural means. If anything, in some cases, they may be considered more. I was devastated when I was told that I would not be able to have children naturally. That I would have to go through extensive treatments and even those weren't a guarantee. The opportunity for couples to bear children, even after they have been told they would never be able to, is truly a gift from God. And, those children are gifts that are cherished above all things because they are miraculous. Now this doesn't mean that I think children that are conceived naturally are not miraculous gifts from God, because they are. All children are miracles and they are all the most precious gift we could ever receive.
I believe that if God did not want me to have a child, the In Vitro would have never worked. If His plan did not consist of us having a child of our own flesh and blood then He would have never allowed those little embryos to latch on and grow and develop. Avery did not come to us naturally because she was meant to be so much more than just a gift to us, she was meant to change our lives in a way that we could have never expected. The fact that she was conceived via IVF made us cherish her so much more because we were told we may never have a child.
Some would argue that if you are not able to have children of your own you should just adopt. I am not against adoption. I plan on adopting, I have always wanted to adopt. I made the choice to do In Vitro because something deep down in my soul told me that I needed to. We didn't have the means to pay for it, but we found a way. We did it because we knew our chances were better if we did so while we were young. Age doesn't have a big impact on adoption. That is something that I can do for years to come. I knew that there was a child waiting for us, so we made the decision to have IVF done before we even knew how we would pay for it. Even if our next attempt at IVF does not result in a pregnancy, I will never regret our decision to do In Vitro. Avery is and always will be my daughter and I would do it all over again just to be able to carry her inside of me and hold her for that very short time.
Thank you all for your kind words and for your love for my little girl. I am so glad that it is not against my faith to have IVF, because I would have gone against my faith in a heartbeat. I know that it sounds terrible, but I wanted a child so very badly I would have tried just about anything!
In an article I read it stated that children are not something that is owed to us, they are a gift. I agree that all children are a gift. Some are gifts that are treated carelessly and tossed away, some are gifts that are taken for granted and not enjoyed and loved as they deserve to be, and some are gifts that are forgotten by some but cherished by others. A child born by the means of In Vitro are no less of a gift than those conceived by natural means. If anything, in some cases, they may be considered more. I was devastated when I was told that I would not be able to have children naturally. That I would have to go through extensive treatments and even those weren't a guarantee. The opportunity for couples to bear children, even after they have been told they would never be able to, is truly a gift from God. And, those children are gifts that are cherished above all things because they are miraculous. Now this doesn't mean that I think children that are conceived naturally are not miraculous gifts from God, because they are. All children are miracles and they are all the most precious gift we could ever receive.
I believe that if God did not want me to have a child, the In Vitro would have never worked. If His plan did not consist of us having a child of our own flesh and blood then He would have never allowed those little embryos to latch on and grow and develop. Avery did not come to us naturally because she was meant to be so much more than just a gift to us, she was meant to change our lives in a way that we could have never expected. The fact that she was conceived via IVF made us cherish her so much more because we were told we may never have a child.
Some would argue that if you are not able to have children of your own you should just adopt. I am not against adoption. I plan on adopting, I have always wanted to adopt. I made the choice to do In Vitro because something deep down in my soul told me that I needed to. We didn't have the means to pay for it, but we found a way. We did it because we knew our chances were better if we did so while we were young. Age doesn't have a big impact on adoption. That is something that I can do for years to come. I knew that there was a child waiting for us, so we made the decision to have IVF done before we even knew how we would pay for it. Even if our next attempt at IVF does not result in a pregnancy, I will never regret our decision to do In Vitro. Avery is and always will be my daughter and I would do it all over again just to be able to carry her inside of me and hold her for that very short time.
Thank you all for your kind words and for your love for my little girl. I am so glad that it is not against my faith to have IVF, because I would have gone against my faith in a heartbeat. I know that it sounds terrible, but I wanted a child so very badly I would have tried just about anything!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Question- I would like your input please
A few days ago I was asked to share Avery's story on a website designed to help mothers and families who have been given a poor prenatal diagnosis. They have yet to have any stories on Skeletal Dysplasias. I am a Christian but I am not Catholic. After submitting my story and photos I was told that the website was a non-denominational but because their board members were Catholic it would be against their faith to post a story about a child that was conceived by In Vitro Fertilization.
For some reason this really upset me and I am trying to figure out why. I guess I don't understand why it would be "against" any faith to just post a story such as ours. Is it In Vitro or is it all fertility treatments? Where is the line drawn? I don't want to offend anyone, I am not saying that your beliefs are wrong if you are Catholic, I just want to understand where this belief comes from and why. Now I am going to have to look deeper into my own religion and see if there are any guidelines for those of us that are unable to conceive naturally. Does this mean that Catholics are told not to use other methods to conceive if they are told that they are unable to do so with "normal" methods? I find this very hard to believe. I also have a hard time believing that every single story I read on that website started with 100% natural conception.
I hope that I have not offended anyone. I would just like to understand why Avery's story was rejected because of my choice to do IVF. I would appreciate your input. I don't want a battle of the religions to start I just want to know where this comes from and why so that I don't have to be upset anymore.
Thank you!
For some reason this really upset me and I am trying to figure out why. I guess I don't understand why it would be "against" any faith to just post a story such as ours. Is it In Vitro or is it all fertility treatments? Where is the line drawn? I don't want to offend anyone, I am not saying that your beliefs are wrong if you are Catholic, I just want to understand where this belief comes from and why. Now I am going to have to look deeper into my own religion and see if there are any guidelines for those of us that are unable to conceive naturally. Does this mean that Catholics are told not to use other methods to conceive if they are told that they are unable to do so with "normal" methods? I find this very hard to believe. I also have a hard time believing that every single story I read on that website started with 100% natural conception.
I hope that I have not offended anyone. I would just like to understand why Avery's story was rejected because of my choice to do IVF. I would appreciate your input. I don't want a battle of the religions to start I just want to know where this comes from and why so that I don't have to be upset anymore.
Thank you!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Welcome 2008
I didn't realize until today, how long it had been since I had written down my thoughts. The holidays passed uneventfully, which I am happy about. It was almost like I had been holding my breath and was finally able to exhale once it was over. Avery was on my mind all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think I expected everyone to be the same way but they weren't. To all those around me it was just another Christmas day. Which is fine, I don't expect anyone to have the same feelings as mine. But, as Skeet and I visited Avery's grave, I couldn't help but think of what was missing this Christmas. It was something that stuck with me the whole day. I couldn't really enjoy watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts, or even watching someone open a gift from me... which is usually my favorite part of Christmas. The one gift that I gave everyone that I did enjoy watching them open was a book of Avery that I had made off of Blurb.com. It turned out beautiful, it had photos, poems and even scriptures. And even though it made everyone cry... at least it brought the spirit of Avery into everyone's heart that day.
I start this new year with a little bit of relief and a lot of apprehension. I don't know what the coming year will bring but I can only pray that it doesn't involve as much sadness, stress and especially medical bills; as the past year has. I have no regrets of the last year but I don't know if I could live it all over again unless I was guaranteed a happier outcome. I have a couple of resolutions that I have already put in place and I pray I can keep them throughout the year. The first is to have a better attitude; about people, work, school, pretty much just life in general. The second is to continue to gain a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and His Son. This will include continuing to attend church, studying the scriptures and praying daily. I would also like to at least receive my patriarchal blessing this year. My third resolution is to lose 15 pounds. I would like to be in very good shape and be healthy physically and emotionally before we try our second round of In Vitro in August. There is a huge plus to this last one too! I will get a whole new wardrobe because there is no way my pants will fit if I lose 15 lbs.!!
I am so thankful for all the new friends that I have made in the past year! I hope that I can continue to build on those friendships. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I now appreciate the true friends I have so much more. I want you all to know how proud I am to be Avery's mom, and because of that I will most likely continue to write because it helps me to stay close to her and keep you all close to her as well.
Much love and prayers,
Candi
I start this new year with a little bit of relief and a lot of apprehension. I don't know what the coming year will bring but I can only pray that it doesn't involve as much sadness, stress and especially medical bills; as the past year has. I have no regrets of the last year but I don't know if I could live it all over again unless I was guaranteed a happier outcome. I have a couple of resolutions that I have already put in place and I pray I can keep them throughout the year. The first is to have a better attitude; about people, work, school, pretty much just life in general. The second is to continue to gain a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and His Son. This will include continuing to attend church, studying the scriptures and praying daily. I would also like to at least receive my patriarchal blessing this year. My third resolution is to lose 15 pounds. I would like to be in very good shape and be healthy physically and emotionally before we try our second round of In Vitro in August. There is a huge plus to this last one too! I will get a whole new wardrobe because there is no way my pants will fit if I lose 15 lbs.!!
I am so thankful for all the new friends that I have made in the past year! I hope that I can continue to build on those friendships. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I now appreciate the true friends I have so much more. I want you all to know how proud I am to be Avery's mom, and because of that I will most likely continue to write because it helps me to stay close to her and keep you all close to her as well.
Much love and prayers,
Candi
Friday, December 21, 2007
Update
I know I just posted earlier today but I received a phone call from our genetics counselor this afternoon and wanted to give you all an update. She finally heard back from the specialist that was taking a look at Avery's x-rays and he said that Avery is still a mystery. He can tell for sure that she had a form of skeletal dysplasia but it must be a very rare type. He is sending her pictures to 3 other specialists and hopes to have a better answer for us by next week. The problem with it being so rare is that he doesn't think there are tests for it. Meaning they will not be able to test us to see what type of carriers we are, if any, and they will not be able to test our embryos. I had a feeling that this would be our answer but it still came as a blow. Especially when I was told that there is a possibility that we could have a one in four chance of it happening again. I haven't been able to really digest all that I have been told so I am a little numb to it all at the moment. All I know is that I love my little girl and if we are meant to have another child and he/she is like his/her sister I will still love them just as much, I just don't know if I am strong enough to go through it all again.
Tis the Season
I have been so caught up in the wrong spirit of the season lately, but the other day as I was wrapping gifts for a family that we have adopted this Christmas I had an epiphany. Let me give you some background first. I have been dreading Christmas. I thought it was going to be this horrible time where I would be depressed and only think of how much I missed my baby and how last year that was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. (Skeet would tell you, every time he asked me what I wanted I would say "A baby" and leave it at that. ) I have been so caught up in my grieving and sorrow that I forgot about the the reason we even celebrate Christmas. So, in my efforts to try to keep myself humble I took it upon myself to find a family for my family to adopt this Christmas. After contacting the local Care and Share we were assigned a local family with 4 children ranging in ages 7 to 2. It was fun to get everyone together to shop for toys for the kids and a Christmas meal for the family, but I found myself selfishly thinking about how I should be shopping for my own little one as well.
Then, as I was wrapping up each gift that we had purchased it hit me. This shouldn't be a time of year that I dread. The reason for this time of year should bring me happiness and a sense of peace. Christ was born so that he could die for us and for our sins. He did this for us because he loves us and he wants us to return to him. It is because of his birth and his death that I will be able to be with my daughter forever. I realized then that I should be rejoicing this holiday season. I may still be very sad that my daughter is not with us to celebrate Christmas but she is the lucky one that will celebrate with Jesus. And I know that someday, I will be with her forever because Jesus was born and died for our sins. What a huge gift that is.
I am so ashamed of my attitude toward this holiday season. Every time someone would ask me if I were ready for Christmas my answer would always be " I am ready for it to be over". Now, I feel so unworthy of the huge blessing that this holiday represents. Also, I am so much more thankful for the opportunity I have to help someone else.
We are delivering the gifts and food to this needy family this weekend and my change of heart has helped me to appreciate this experience so much more. I hope that my family will make it an annual tradition to help someone else during the holidays but if they choose not to I know that it will be a priority in my home to do so. I am so thankful to be in a position where I can give to others who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't think about it often enough but I am so fortunate to have a home and a job, and to have a family that is always there to support me whenever I am in need. I am also very grateful that I am able to be there for them as well. We have our health, we have each other, and we have the knowledge that through Christ we are promised that we will be a family forever. That is the best gift of all. I am truly blessed to have a little girl that will be mine for eternity.
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season and I wish you all the best in the New Year.
Then, as I was wrapping up each gift that we had purchased it hit me. This shouldn't be a time of year that I dread. The reason for this time of year should bring me happiness and a sense of peace. Christ was born so that he could die for us and for our sins. He did this for us because he loves us and he wants us to return to him. It is because of his birth and his death that I will be able to be with my daughter forever. I realized then that I should be rejoicing this holiday season. I may still be very sad that my daughter is not with us to celebrate Christmas but she is the lucky one that will celebrate with Jesus. And I know that someday, I will be with her forever because Jesus was born and died for our sins. What a huge gift that is.
I am so ashamed of my attitude toward this holiday season. Every time someone would ask me if I were ready for Christmas my answer would always be " I am ready for it to be over". Now, I feel so unworthy of the huge blessing that this holiday represents. Also, I am so much more thankful for the opportunity I have to help someone else.
We are delivering the gifts and food to this needy family this weekend and my change of heart has helped me to appreciate this experience so much more. I hope that my family will make it an annual tradition to help someone else during the holidays but if they choose not to I know that it will be a priority in my home to do so. I am so thankful to be in a position where I can give to others who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't think about it often enough but I am so fortunate to have a home and a job, and to have a family that is always there to support me whenever I am in need. I am also very grateful that I am able to be there for them as well. We have our health, we have each other, and we have the knowledge that through Christ we are promised that we will be a family forever. That is the best gift of all. I am truly blessed to have a little girl that will be mine for eternity.
I hope you all have a very Happy Holiday Season and I wish you all the best in the New Year.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Does this mean I have to move on?
Well today is the day, the day that we were first told to expect our baby to arrive. For months this date was my answer to the question "When are you due?". 8 weeks have passed since the 3rd time I was admitted to the hospital when moments later my water broke. 8 weeks have passed since that long night of waiting, wondering and anticipating the arrival of my daughter. And, tomorrow morning between the hours of 2 and 3 a.m., 8 weeks will have passed since my beautiful little girl left her body behind and went home. 8 weeks ago today I still thought I had 8 weeks left to spend with my angel.
This whole week has been a emotional roller coaster ride. I go from being happy that I am her mom to crying because it wasn't supposed to be this way. For some reason now I think more of the nursery that never was and the cute little clothes that will never be bought. I think of the happy Christmas that could have been, celebrating the arrival of a new little one. The gifts that might have been wrapped knowing that she would be too young to understand this year but would have more fun next year. Now I can't help but only notice who is missing when the family comes together for dinners and gatherings. I think of how lonely Christmas will seem this year without that special little soul even though a year ago we had no idea she would even be. It is so strange to me that last year at this time we had no idea that the only way we would be able to have a baby was through In Vitro. We had no clue that we would be pregnant within 3 months, or that 32 weeks later we would have to bury that precious child that we longed for- for so long.
If I could have had my way this year, Christmas would have just been skipped. I don't feel like I am strong enough to get through the holidays this year. I don't know how to just go on with life without her anymore. I did so well for so long but I feel like I am losing my composure and don't know how I will make it from one day to the next. I am sure it does not help that I ran out of anti-depressants and have yet to get them refilled. The numbness that they give me has worn off and now all I can think of is how badly I want that little girl back in my arms. And I can't help but wonder if everyone will expect me to be better now that her due date has passed. I hate to disappoint anyone who is thinking that because it is going to take a lot longer than 8 weeks!
I received a delivery of beautiful flowers today, roses from my loving husband, and a Christmas arrangement from my parents and sister. They are so pretty and smell so good but I can't look at them. They are sitting on my desk and even when I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye it starts the water works again. I can't seem to stop today and hate that I have to be here at work when my heart is breaking and nothing else seems to matter. But I know I will make it through the day and into Skeet's arms, which is the only place for me right now. If I can't hold her, I need someone to hold me. I am sorry for the somber tone of this post but I needed to get it out.
I love you all and I appreciate your kind words and support!
This whole week has been a emotional roller coaster ride. I go from being happy that I am her mom to crying because it wasn't supposed to be this way. For some reason now I think more of the nursery that never was and the cute little clothes that will never be bought. I think of the happy Christmas that could have been, celebrating the arrival of a new little one. The gifts that might have been wrapped knowing that she would be too young to understand this year but would have more fun next year. Now I can't help but only notice who is missing when the family comes together for dinners and gatherings. I think of how lonely Christmas will seem this year without that special little soul even though a year ago we had no idea she would even be. It is so strange to me that last year at this time we had no idea that the only way we would be able to have a baby was through In Vitro. We had no clue that we would be pregnant within 3 months, or that 32 weeks later we would have to bury that precious child that we longed for- for so long.
If I could have had my way this year, Christmas would have just been skipped. I don't feel like I am strong enough to get through the holidays this year. I don't know how to just go on with life without her anymore. I did so well for so long but I feel like I am losing my composure and don't know how I will make it from one day to the next. I am sure it does not help that I ran out of anti-depressants and have yet to get them refilled. The numbness that they give me has worn off and now all I can think of is how badly I want that little girl back in my arms. And I can't help but wonder if everyone will expect me to be better now that her due date has passed. I hate to disappoint anyone who is thinking that because it is going to take a lot longer than 8 weeks!
I received a delivery of beautiful flowers today, roses from my loving husband, and a Christmas arrangement from my parents and sister. They are so pretty and smell so good but I can't look at them. They are sitting on my desk and even when I catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of my eye it starts the water works again. I can't seem to stop today and hate that I have to be here at work when my heart is breaking and nothing else seems to matter. But I know I will make it through the day and into Skeet's arms, which is the only place for me right now. If I can't hold her, I need someone to hold me. I am sorry for the somber tone of this post but I needed to get it out.
I love you all and I appreciate your kind words and support!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
They are done!!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Back to work
First of all I need to apologize for not wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving sooner! I hope everyone had a great holiday and were able to take some time to ponder what you are thankful for. I would like to take a moment to share a few things I am very thankful for. I am so thankful for my husband, without him I would be completely lost. We don't always understand each other and we don't always agree but we love each other deeply and I truly believe we were meant to be! I am thankful for my family and for my in-laws. They have been such a great source of support and comfort to us over the past couple of years. For my friends, old and new, you are all so special to me. I am thankful for my health. This one is especially important to me right now seeing how I just got over the stomach flu and am so happy that I feel better. This year I have something new to be thankful for... my daughter. I still wish, more than anything, that she could still be with us and be a happy, healthy little girl; but I know that she was too special to stay here on this earth. And although we didn't have a lot of time with her she has been such a huge blessing. She has helped to make me a better person. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love my little girl. She has helped me work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and she has helped me to realize that love and family are the most important things and life is too short to spend time worrying about the things we cannot change.
I am, of course, thankful for many other things but I know you all don't have all day to read my rantings so I will move on. I returned to work on Tuesday after recovering from the 24 hour flu bug I fought on Monday. (It's pretty bad when you have to call in sick on your first day back to work) Things at work haven't changed much, and everyone is being really nice to me. But, it is still so hard for me to be there. I keep thinking about how I should be taking another 6 weeks off to care for a new baby, and that the last time everyone saw me I was happily plump and my little girl was still alive. I have been fighting the tears off for the past two days so that people don't think that I am losing it. They all look at my like I may lose it any minute as it is. Especially when they come into my office to tell me that they are so sorry for my loss. All I can say is thank you and then there is awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I would love to talk about Avery but they don't ask and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I suffer in silence praying that someone would just ask me about her. I am so proud of my daughter, she was beautiful and such a special little girl. I think that after a week or so I will be able to get through a day at work without wanting to scream at everyone to stop pretending like she never happened. I know I am not being fair... I think I may be dealing with the "anger" stage of grieving. Or maybe I wasn't quite ready to go back to work. Either way I know it will get easier I just have to stay positive and remember that it is just a job and there are more important things in life.
Sorry to say, I have no pictures yet. Well I have one and I will post it but please keep in mind that it isn't a very good picture. It was one that was taken with our sub-par camera and I tried to make it look better. You may not see her the way I do but I think she is the sweetest little angel ever! And you can't tell from this picture but she had a full head of jet black hair just like I did when I was a baby. I knew she would after all that heartburn.
Well off to bed....
I am, of course, thankful for many other things but I know you all don't have all day to read my rantings so I will move on. I returned to work on Tuesday after recovering from the 24 hour flu bug I fought on Monday. (It's pretty bad when you have to call in sick on your first day back to work) Things at work haven't changed much, and everyone is being really nice to me. But, it is still so hard for me to be there. I keep thinking about how I should be taking another 6 weeks off to care for a new baby, and that the last time everyone saw me I was happily plump and my little girl was still alive. I have been fighting the tears off for the past two days so that people don't think that I am losing it. They all look at my like I may lose it any minute as it is. Especially when they come into my office to tell me that they are so sorry for my loss. All I can say is thank you and then there is awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I would love to talk about Avery but they don't ask and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I suffer in silence praying that someone would just ask me about her. I am so proud of my daughter, she was beautiful and such a special little girl. I think that after a week or so I will be able to get through a day at work without wanting to scream at everyone to stop pretending like she never happened. I know I am not being fair... I think I may be dealing with the "anger" stage of grieving. Or maybe I wasn't quite ready to go back to work. Either way I know it will get easier I just have to stay positive and remember that it is just a job and there are more important things in life.
Sorry to say, I have no pictures yet. Well I have one and I will post it but please keep in mind that it isn't a very good picture. It was one that was taken with our sub-par camera and I tried to make it look better. You may not see her the way I do but I think she is the sweetest little angel ever! And you can't tell from this picture but she had a full head of jet black hair just like I did when I was a baby. I knew she would after all that heartburn.
Well off to bed....
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Monday, November 12, 2007
The Aftermath
I have been trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog, and while I was trying to decide I realized how much I need to get out my thoughts and this is the perfect way! Whether or not anyone reads it, it can help me to heal.. so here I go again. I have been patiently waiting for Dr. Sanders to finish photoshopping our photos. I am seeing him this week for my 5 week check up and I hope he will have them done so that I can post a few. I can hardly believe it's been a month. It doesn't seem to be getting easier either. I am starting to wonder if it will ever get easier.
The closer I get to my original due date the more I miss having Avery growing inside of me. I lie awake at night and try to remember how it felt when she kicked or pushed against me. As hard as my pregnancy was I would give anything to have her with me still. We had family pictures taken this weekend for my side of the family. I was so strong through the whole thing just holding on to my teddy bear that I brought to represent Avery. As soon as they were done I broke down. It had been tearing me apart thinking that it's not fair that my sister and sister-in-law were able to hold their babies on their laps and mine I had to hold in my heart. I wish that we could have done the pictures while I was still pregnant so that Avery could have been in the picture in some way. Now every time I look at that photo I will only see what is missing.
I have been taking Prozac to help with the depression, mostly because Skeet wants me to. I think it is starting to work. It seems to be getting easier to get out of bed in the mornings although Avery is still the first thing on my mind when I wake. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up only to find that it's all been a bad dream and I will be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby girl. It probably isn't healthy for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I miss my baby so much. I visit the cemetery 2-3 times a week just so I can talk to her.
I attended church at my home ward this Sunday. It was the first time in 3 years that I have attended our ward. I went and sat by myself and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is something that I have been wanting to do for well over a year but now I have an obligation to. I can't help but think that Avery is counting on me to do the right thing and I can't let her down. I wonder if God sent her to me to give me the push I needed to get my life in order. I know that isn't the only reason we were blessed with such a special baby but I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I will never push Skeet but I hope someday he will decide to join me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in a month. I hope that I can keep going and not go back to my old ways.
I don't know if anyone is still checking this but I hope to have some pictures of Avery posted by next week. I cannot wait to show her off. She is so beautiful. I plan on posting now and then to keep myself sane. If you are still reading I want to thank you again for keeping Avery in your prayers. Until next time.....
The closer I get to my original due date the more I miss having Avery growing inside of me. I lie awake at night and try to remember how it felt when she kicked or pushed against me. As hard as my pregnancy was I would give anything to have her with me still. We had family pictures taken this weekend for my side of the family. I was so strong through the whole thing just holding on to my teddy bear that I brought to represent Avery. As soon as they were done I broke down. It had been tearing me apart thinking that it's not fair that my sister and sister-in-law were able to hold their babies on their laps and mine I had to hold in my heart. I wish that we could have done the pictures while I was still pregnant so that Avery could have been in the picture in some way. Now every time I look at that photo I will only see what is missing.
I have been taking Prozac to help with the depression, mostly because Skeet wants me to. I think it is starting to work. It seems to be getting easier to get out of bed in the mornings although Avery is still the first thing on my mind when I wake. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up only to find that it's all been a bad dream and I will be pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby girl. It probably isn't healthy for me to have those thoughts but I can't help it. I miss my baby so much. I visit the cemetery 2-3 times a week just so I can talk to her.
I attended church at my home ward this Sunday. It was the first time in 3 years that I have attended our ward. I went and sat by myself and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It is something that I have been wanting to do for well over a year but now I have an obligation to. I can't help but think that Avery is counting on me to do the right thing and I can't let her down. I wonder if God sent her to me to give me the push I needed to get my life in order. I know that isn't the only reason we were blessed with such a special baby but I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I will never push Skeet but I hope someday he will decide to join me. It made me feel good about myself for the first time in a month. I hope that I can keep going and not go back to my old ways.
I don't know if anyone is still checking this but I hope to have some pictures of Avery posted by next week. I cannot wait to show her off. She is so beautiful. I plan on posting now and then to keep myself sane. If you are still reading I want to thank you again for keeping Avery in your prayers. Until next time.....
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