I didn't realize until today, how long it had been since I had written down my thoughts. The holidays passed uneventfully, which I am happy about. It was almost like I had been holding my breath and was finally able to exhale once it was over. Avery was on my mind all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think I expected everyone to be the same way but they weren't. To all those around me it was just another Christmas day. Which is fine, I don't expect anyone to have the same feelings as mine. But, as Skeet and I visited Avery's grave, I couldn't help but think of what was missing this Christmas. It was something that stuck with me the whole day. I couldn't really enjoy watching my nieces and nephews open their gifts, or even watching someone open a gift from me... which is usually my favorite part of Christmas. The one gift that I gave everyone that I did enjoy watching them open was a book of Avery that I had made off of Blurb.com. It turned out beautiful, it had photos, poems and even scriptures. And even though it made everyone cry... at least it brought the spirit of Avery into everyone's heart that day.
I start this new year with a little bit of relief and a lot of apprehension. I don't know what the coming year will bring but I can only pray that it doesn't involve as much sadness, stress and especially medical bills; as the past year has. I have no regrets of the last year but I don't know if I could live it all over again unless I was guaranteed a happier outcome. I have a couple of resolutions that I have already put in place and I pray I can keep them throughout the year. The first is to have a better attitude; about people, work, school, pretty much just life in general. The second is to continue to gain a better relationship with my Father in Heaven and His Son. This will include continuing to attend church, studying the scriptures and praying daily. I would also like to at least receive my patriarchal blessing this year. My third resolution is to lose 15 pounds. I would like to be in very good shape and be healthy physically and emotionally before we try our second round of In Vitro in August. There is a huge plus to this last one too! I will get a whole new wardrobe because there is no way my pants will fit if I lose 15 lbs.!!
I am so thankful for all the new friends that I have made in the past year! I hope that I can continue to build on those friendships. Becoming a mother has changed me in so many ways and I now appreciate the true friends I have so much more. I want you all to know how proud I am to be Avery's mom, and because of that I will most likely continue to write because it helps me to stay close to her and keep you all close to her as well.
Much love and prayers,
Candi
2 comments:
So happy that you posted. I have continued to think about you and pray for you. I agree that Baby Avery's book is beautiful and I'm sure your family members will all treasure it.
15 lbs!! Off of where? From the pictures I've seen I can't believe you have 15 lbs to lose! But then again, as a former Weight Watchers instructor and as an ever battling weight gainer myself I do understand the need to look and feel your best! Good luck with that goal.
Candi,
It was divine intervention that I found your web page. I have been looking for someone with a similiar situation to mine and I finally found you. My son Christian was born June 26, 2007 with what they had diagnosed as a lethal dyslasia and thought it was thanaphoric dysplaysia but would not know for sure until tests were done. We decided not to do any testing b/c after meeting w/ the genetic counselor he told us about the worst case scenario of a 1 and 4 chance of it happening again, so we figured if we had a 75% chance of having a healthy baby, that's all we needed. It is so amazing because I could have written your story. It is so similiar. Christian was born at 30 weeks and his heart beat for an hour but he never took a breath. It is also amazing to me how much Christian looks like Avery. I am wondering if they had the same exact disorder. It was very emotional for me to read your page. It was like reliving it over again. But a good cry feels good though sometimes. I would love to email you and talk so more. I would also like to send you some pictures of Christian if you would like to see them so you can see how much they looked alike. Please let me know your thought. My email address is wendyedwards294@yahoo.com. I hope to hear from you soon as I have been praying to find someone like you.
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