Until recently, I have been extremely proud of myself with the way I have been able to handle seeing pregnant women and newborn babies. I have rarely asked the question "Why?" ( I say rarely because nobody is perfect). The last 6+ months I have tried really hard not to throw myself a pity party and I have tried to be happy for those that are able to be blessed with healthy pregnancies and babies. For some reason, it is not so easy anymore.
Yesterday I attended the graduation convocation for the SUU School of Business, because I had been asked to help out. The day started off stressful and when I got there I was a little bit on edge. Then, as I noticed all the baby bumps and strollers coming through the doors I started to feel bitter. I tried not to notice but anyone who has dealt with fertility issues or has lost a child will agree that it is hard not to notice. It is almost like you develop a hyper sensitive pregnancy beacon that automatically points your eyes in the direction of a pregnant woman or baby and makes it incredibly hard to look away. There were so many young couples that were expecting or had just welcomed a new little baby and I found myself wondering "why?".
I think that I am particularly emotional right now because my only sister just moved across the country, and she took my adorable nephew with her. Ayden, my nephew, had become my own personal "cheerer upper". Anytime I had a bad day all I had to do was stop by and see him smile at me and all the bad stuff just seemed to go away. No one could spend 15 minutes with that kid and not come away smiling and in a better mood. He has an adorable smile and gives hugs that melt your heart. He has been my little buddy since the day he was born, and Charise isn't too bad either! ;) She moved in with me when she was around six or seven months pregnant with him and it had been a couple of years since the last time we had lived with each other. I had really missed her being around. So when she was finally back in Utah it was so great to always have her there to watch Grey's, go to lunch, or just sit and talk. After Ayden was born she moved in with my parents but we stayed very close. (They only live 10 minutes away!!) This past December she married a great guy. He treats her well and loves Ayden, they seem to be made for each other. The only problem is... he is currently in Dental School in Philadelphia. They lived apart, seeing each other a couple of times a month, for 5 months and she finally made the move this weekend. It wasn't the first time I have had to say good bye to her but it was definitely the hardest. Probably because this time we had to say goodbye to both her and Ayden.
I really don't know what I am going to do without her. She got me through the hardest time of my life. She was always there for me and she loved Avery so much. I really don't know what I am going to do with out her. It is really hard to be happy for her when I miss them both so badly.
So, I am blaming my recent moments of weakness to her leaving. I can only handle one extreme emotion at a time and with Mother's Day coming up next weekend, my best sister and favorite little guy being thousands of miles away and the extremely obvious pregnancy epidemic going around... it's just too much to deal with. I am giving myself credit for being able to make it through everyday without having a complete breakdown.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
6 Months
6 months ago today we said good bye to our daughter, our first child, our sweet little angel. The time has really flown but it seems like it has been ages since I held her in my arms. I feel so fortunate to have such beautiful photos that remind me of that bittersweet day. I have been inspired by Nate's beautiful videos that he has done over the past few months and I thought I would give it a try. I am sure they aren't even close to as good as his but I am really glad that I finished one. I searched for days for a song to use. Nothing I listened to seemed right, then one night as I was lying in bed watching CMT, this video came on and I was instantly in tears. It was perfect.
I have been thinking back again, trying to remember every detail of those days leading up to her birth, her birthday, and the days after. They make me sad in a way but I need to remember, to keep her memory alive. I need to have something to hold on to when my arms are aching for my baby girl.
A year ago today we were still reeling from the fact that we were finally expecting a baby. I don't think it had fully set in yet because I had not yet begun to show. I was, however, experiencing morning sickness at it's fullest. The morning sickness for me was worse that I thought it should have been, but then again I was still pregnant with 2 embryos at the time. It did seem to let up just a little bit after the surgery. Anyway, a year ago, I was filled with hope and the dreams of a sweet little addition to our family. My mind was consumed with nursery decor and possible baby names. I had never been happier in my life. I cannot believe what just a year can bring.
This letter was written about a month after Avery's birth...
My sweet Avery,
You were born into heaven in the early morning hours of October 13, 2007. For months I had prayed that we would be able to meet you, even if it were just for a moment. But, in my prayers the thing I asked for above all, is that you wouldn't have to suffer. Heavenly Father answered my prayers the day that you were born. He silently took you home, without our knowledge, before you would have to suffer any pain. I am so thankful for that and for the peace I felt immediately after you were born. I knew that you were happily resting in the arms of your Heavenly Father. You would never have to experience pain or the evils of this world, you would forever be the perfect little girl that I held in my arms that day.
As I watched you being passed around to the arms of those that love you, my heart swelled with pride. The beautiful little girl that everyone admired so was, and will always be, my daughter. I could see it in your daddy’s face too. He was very proud of his little girl. You looked so small and fragile in his strong arms, I know that you two would have had a very special relationship. It makes me so sad to think that your special bond with your daddy will have to wait until we meet again in heaven.
I can’t help but wish every day that you were still with us. I miss you so very much. I miss your little kicks and feeling that as long as you were with me you were safe. I long for the day when I can hold you on my lap and read to you again. Or sing you to sleep with our special song. Sometimes I feel you with me still, I know that you are watching over us from heaven. I look forward to the day that I can hold you in my arms again, but until then I will hold you in my heart.
I love you sweet girl, you were an answer to my prayers. You were the best gift I have ever been given. I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing us with such a beautiful and special daughter. Thank you, Avery, for choosing us to be your family. I will cherish the time I had with you, and look forward to the day we will meet again. Until then, just know that your daddy and I love you very much.
Love you forever,
Your Mommy
I miss you Avery, my heart will not be whole until we are together again.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Yay!
Tricia is officially in the OR receiving her new pair of lungs. Please pray that everything will go well. All of this on Nate's birthday! How crazy is that? My family and I will be praying that the operation is a success and her body accepts her new lungs. Please join us in praying for this amazing family.
You are not alone
What a crazy past couple of weeks it has been. Skeet has been in and out of town and I have stayed pretty busy with work and school. We have been working hard on getting the back yard in (finally) and I will be posting before and after pictures. I have been waiting 3 years to get this yard in and I know Callie will be excited to have grass instead of the dirt that she brings int he house everyday.
I have been thinking a lot about this blog. I do want to continue to write but was contemplating changing the title of the blog or starting a new one. This blog, when I first started it, was intended to keep everyone up to date on Avery's diagnosis and the status of things. So, even though I am no longer keeping you all up to date on her as much, I am going to leave the name and continue blogging here, to honor her. I don't think I am ready to let go yet.
So I hit a big milestone this last week. I held a newborn baby for the first time since I held Avery. I attended a baby shower and that was a big step for me just being there, but then I made myself hold the baby. I did fine, I didn't hold him very long because I didn't know how long I could keep my composure but at least I can say I finally did it. It only took me almost 6 months to get there but I did it. I did end up having to leave the shower really, really early because I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I really hope my friend isn't mad that I didn't even stay to eat but I didn't want to take the attention off her or her new baby in any way. I made up an excuse about Skeet wanting me home and jetted out of there pretty fast. At least I left a gift to make up for it right?
Another exciting thing that has happened recently, and I wasn't sure if I was going to post it but I can't keep it in anymore, is that we have a date for our frozen embryo transfer! I am excited and apprehensive at the same time, but I know that we need to try. There is a reason we were blessed with so many surviving embryos and I need to at least try. I think Skeet is more nervous than I am. He wouldn't admit it to anyone but I really think he is scared. I don't know if it is because he thinks we may get a repeat of our last pregnancy or if he is scared that I am going to get fat again but I can tell he is scared.
On a more somber note... I have been contacted lately by three women, I won't say names because I don't know if they want to go public, but they have all suffered and are in need of prayers. One lost her daughter to lethal skeletal dysplasia 15 years ago and is just now finding others to talk to that have been through something similar. One lost her daughter a couple of months ago to another lethal diagnosis and is struggling with her grief. And yet another that has just received the news from her doctors that one of the twin boys she is carrying most likely has a lethal skeletal dysplasia. Cat has posted the latter's story on her blog if you want to get the whole story. I don't know if any of these women read this blog but if they do I want them to know that I believe 100% that their beautiful little babies do have a purpose and they will see them again. My heart breaks for them but to know that 15 years down the road I can and will still love and miss Avery just as much as I do today gives me peace. I want these women to know that they are not alone. Even if sometimes it feels that way (as it has for me at times). Whether it is finding comfort in others who have been there, or asking for comfort from the Lord; you are never alone. I hope that you will find comfort in that. Please pray for them that they will have the comfort that they are in need of. Pray for the mother of the twin boys that things will not be as the doctors are saying they might be. I would not wish the pain of losing a child on anyone but I believe that good can come out of it. It all depends on how we react and how we use the trial in our life.
Prayers also for Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth as they are waiting on word of a possible set of new lungs for Tricia. Pray for the donor family as well.
I have been thinking a lot about this blog. I do want to continue to write but was contemplating changing the title of the blog or starting a new one. This blog, when I first started it, was intended to keep everyone up to date on Avery's diagnosis and the status of things. So, even though I am no longer keeping you all up to date on her as much, I am going to leave the name and continue blogging here, to honor her. I don't think I am ready to let go yet.
So I hit a big milestone this last week. I held a newborn baby for the first time since I held Avery. I attended a baby shower and that was a big step for me just being there, but then I made myself hold the baby. I did fine, I didn't hold him very long because I didn't know how long I could keep my composure but at least I can say I finally did it. It only took me almost 6 months to get there but I did it. I did end up having to leave the shower really, really early because I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I really hope my friend isn't mad that I didn't even stay to eat but I didn't want to take the attention off her or her new baby in any way. I made up an excuse about Skeet wanting me home and jetted out of there pretty fast. At least I left a gift to make up for it right?
Another exciting thing that has happened recently, and I wasn't sure if I was going to post it but I can't keep it in anymore, is that we have a date for our frozen embryo transfer! I am excited and apprehensive at the same time, but I know that we need to try. There is a reason we were blessed with so many surviving embryos and I need to at least try. I think Skeet is more nervous than I am. He wouldn't admit it to anyone but I really think he is scared. I don't know if it is because he thinks we may get a repeat of our last pregnancy or if he is scared that I am going to get fat again but I can tell he is scared.
On a more somber note... I have been contacted lately by three women, I won't say names because I don't know if they want to go public, but they have all suffered and are in need of prayers. One lost her daughter to lethal skeletal dysplasia 15 years ago and is just now finding others to talk to that have been through something similar. One lost her daughter a couple of months ago to another lethal diagnosis and is struggling with her grief. And yet another that has just received the news from her doctors that one of the twin boys she is carrying most likely has a lethal skeletal dysplasia. Cat has posted the latter's story on her blog if you want to get the whole story. I don't know if any of these women read this blog but if they do I want them to know that I believe 100% that their beautiful little babies do have a purpose and they will see them again. My heart breaks for them but to know that 15 years down the road I can and will still love and miss Avery just as much as I do today gives me peace. I want these women to know that they are not alone. Even if sometimes it feels that way (as it has for me at times). Whether it is finding comfort in others who have been there, or asking for comfort from the Lord; you are never alone. I hope that you will find comfort in that. Please pray for them that they will have the comfort that they are in need of. Pray for the mother of the twin boys that things will not be as the doctors are saying they might be. I would not wish the pain of losing a child on anyone but I believe that good can come out of it. It all depends on how we react and how we use the trial in our life.
Prayers also for Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth as they are waiting on word of a possible set of new lungs for Tricia. Pray for the donor family as well.
Monday, March 31, 2008
10 Random Facts
After reading Renay's list of ten random things, I thought I would do mine. I hope I can come up with ten...not much exciting going on here!
10) By the time I graduated High School I had lived in 8 different houses within the same town. 3 were on the same street, and 2 on another. That's life growing up when your father is a contractor!
9) I got braces on my teeth in the 2nd grade and had them on for 6 years. Anyone in my family will tell you that my teeth were awful! But you would never be able to tell now!
8) I was a cheerleader all three years of high school but if you asked 2/3rds of my graduating class they would tell you they didn't know that! How do you miss a 5'10", big nosed cheerleader?? (I was the tallest every year)
7)Skeet and I met on a blind date. We were set up by my brother and Skeet's sister (who are married). We triple dated with my other brother and Skeet's other sister (who are now married too). How confusing is that!!
6) I took almost 4 years of French and still cannot speak a full sentence.
5) When I lived in Texas I had the two most completely opposite jobs at the same time. I was a tech geek at Yahoo! by day and a Hooter's girl by night!
4) I have never broken a bone or been stung by a bee (knock on wood)
3) My childhood dream was to become a supermodel. Great dream for a little girl right? I was under the impression that you only had to be tall to be one. Now I realize I never had a shot!
2) I cannot sing for the life of me, but do it anyway any chance I get and usually at the top of my lungs. Especially when it 's Rascal Flatts (have you noticed that I am obsessed?)
1) I have had my belly button pierced 3 times and now I have the scars to prove it (unfortunately). The only other piercings I have are one on each ear.
That's it... boring I know.
Now that you now 10 random facts about me your instructions are as follows: list 10 random facts about you on your blog and leave a comment here saying you did so or leave your 10 random facts in a comment here if you don't have a blog. It can't be that hard to beat mine!!
10) By the time I graduated High School I had lived in 8 different houses within the same town. 3 were on the same street, and 2 on another. That's life growing up when your father is a contractor!
9) I got braces on my teeth in the 2nd grade and had them on for 6 years. Anyone in my family will tell you that my teeth were awful! But you would never be able to tell now!
8) I was a cheerleader all three years of high school but if you asked 2/3rds of my graduating class they would tell you they didn't know that! How do you miss a 5'10", big nosed cheerleader?? (I was the tallest every year)
7)Skeet and I met on a blind date. We were set up by my brother and Skeet's sister (who are married). We triple dated with my other brother and Skeet's other sister (who are now married too). How confusing is that!!
6) I took almost 4 years of French and still cannot speak a full sentence.
5) When I lived in Texas I had the two most completely opposite jobs at the same time. I was a tech geek at Yahoo! by day and a Hooter's girl by night!
4) I have never broken a bone or been stung by a bee (knock on wood)
3) My childhood dream was to become a supermodel. Great dream for a little girl right? I was under the impression that you only had to be tall to be one. Now I realize I never had a shot!
2) I cannot sing for the life of me, but do it anyway any chance I get and usually at the top of my lungs. Especially when it 's Rascal Flatts (have you noticed that I am obsessed?)
1) I have had my belly button pierced 3 times and now I have the scars to prove it (unfortunately). The only other piercings I have are one on each ear.
That's it... boring I know.
Now that you now 10 random facts about me your instructions are as follows: list 10 random facts about you on your blog and leave a comment here saying you did so or leave your 10 random facts in a comment here if you don't have a blog. It can't be that hard to beat mine!!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Happy Easter
I hope you all had a beautiful Easter Sunday. I am so grateful today for my Savior and His willingness to give His life for us so that we may return to Him. It is because of His great sacrifice that I will be able to see my daughter again. What an amazing gift. I feel so unworthy of such a gift. As I think back on my life and all the things that I have done that caused him so much pain, it breaks my heart. He died for my selfish sins! What a humbling realization.
I will be eternally grateful for Christ, and for this day and what it stands for. I can only pray that I can continue to strive to be more like Him in my thoughts and my actions and that I might be able to help others to come to that realization as well. A hymn that was sung today at my church meetings, which happens to be one of my favorites, says it all...
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.
Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me,
Enough to die for me.
Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.
I pray that you were all able to ponder this wonderful gift that we have been given on this special day. I know that Easter will from now on have a deeper meaning to me than it ever has before. So blessed is the day that I see my Savior again, and of course my beautiful little girl.
Happy Easter!
I will be eternally grateful for Christ, and for this day and what it stands for. I can only pray that I can continue to strive to be more like Him in my thoughts and my actions and that I might be able to help others to come to that realization as well. A hymn that was sung today at my church meetings, which happens to be one of my favorites, says it all...
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.
Oh it is wonderful, that He should care for me,
Enough to die for me.
Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.
I pray that you were all able to ponder this wonderful gift that we have been given on this special day. I know that Easter will from now on have a deeper meaning to me than it ever has before. So blessed is the day that I see my Savior again, and of course my beautiful little girl.
Happy Easter!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Hollywood here I come!
I am officially a TV star! Well not really but I did make it on to CMT this weekend. The footage they shot at the concert was actually just for an advertisement for a contest that Rascal Flatts is doing with their new video. My mom got a call from the girl that does our nails (thanks Jamie!) saying that she just saw us on a preview for CMT Insider. So I set my DVR to record Sunday morning and while I was getting ready for church Skeet yells "you're on TV!!" I looked like a complete idiot who was having way too much fun and my mom looked like she was doing her best to stay out of the shot, but at least we didn't look like the drunk girls that they showed right after us! You could tell that they were completely wasted!
So yes, now you are reading the blog of a real celebrity! I will be signing autographs... just send me your request and I will get it in the mail! Just kidding... I really hope that none of you see it. I doubt they will air it that much, thank goodness, because I really am so embarrassed. Especially because the first thing, and only thing, you notice is my ginormous nose!
Okay, enough of that- moving on, I got through Avery's 5 month birthday without much incident. It was hard and I cried but I dealt with it okay. It seems that the pain doesn't really go away but it just gets easier to bear. Skeet and I stopped by the cemetery on Saturday to put out the solar lights that we received from some family friends after Avery's passing. It will be one of few in her area that have lights at night. I think it was the first time Skeet has seen her headstone and he seemed really impressed with how it turned out. I have been thinking a lot about her lately, if you haven't noticed. We still have not heard a final diagnosis yet even though I have been calling once a week to try to get a hold of them. I am torn about whether or not we should even start trying for another baby until we find out. I think that both of my sister's in law are a little scared to start trying too. We all try to remember that feeling of peace we felt when Avery was born. Sloane told me after Avery was born that she felt that everything was going to be okay. I felt it too but now I can't help but be a little apprehensive about it all. Yesterday, I returned home after receiving my patriarchal blessing, my face was tear stained and I felt exhausted- but more than that, I was full of the spirit. It was an amazing experience that I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. The more I thought about all that had been said the more I focused on my future children. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a healthy baby in my arms, knowing that I was responsible for it's life. The thought was completely overwhelming to me. I pictured myself holding this child and crying because I still missed my angel in heaven. Or maybe the tears were tears of relief, I am not sure but that picture in my mind filled me with a feeling that can only be described as bittersweet.
I had better end this now before I get too emotional- I don't want to be sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out. I know I have been on a lyric kick lately and you are probably all sick of it -but one song has been stuck in my mind the past few days. This song was one that, when I was pregnant, brought be to tears every time I heard it. It reminded me to cherish the time I had with my Avery because it was time I would not get back. It also helped me to remember that there are things in life that may seem huge at the time but those things usually end up being small and unimportant compared to family, friends and love. It is a song by Carrie Underwood. I promise this is my last lyric sharing post!
So Small
What you got if you ain't got love,
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you hole
While your sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
So yes, now you are reading the blog of a real celebrity! I will be signing autographs... just send me your request and I will get it in the mail! Just kidding... I really hope that none of you see it. I doubt they will air it that much, thank goodness, because I really am so embarrassed. Especially because the first thing, and only thing, you notice is my ginormous nose!
Okay, enough of that- moving on, I got through Avery's 5 month birthday without much incident. It was hard and I cried but I dealt with it okay. It seems that the pain doesn't really go away but it just gets easier to bear. Skeet and I stopped by the cemetery on Saturday to put out the solar lights that we received from some family friends after Avery's passing. It will be one of few in her area that have lights at night. I think it was the first time Skeet has seen her headstone and he seemed really impressed with how it turned out. I have been thinking a lot about her lately, if you haven't noticed. We still have not heard a final diagnosis yet even though I have been calling once a week to try to get a hold of them. I am torn about whether or not we should even start trying for another baby until we find out. I think that both of my sister's in law are a little scared to start trying too. We all try to remember that feeling of peace we felt when Avery was born. Sloane told me after Avery was born that she felt that everything was going to be okay. I felt it too but now I can't help but be a little apprehensive about it all. Yesterday, I returned home after receiving my patriarchal blessing, my face was tear stained and I felt exhausted- but more than that, I was full of the spirit. It was an amazing experience that I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. The more I thought about all that had been said the more I focused on my future children. I tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a healthy baby in my arms, knowing that I was responsible for it's life. The thought was completely overwhelming to me. I pictured myself holding this child and crying because I still missed my angel in heaven. Or maybe the tears were tears of relief, I am not sure but that picture in my mind filled me with a feeling that can only be described as bittersweet.
I had better end this now before I get too emotional- I don't want to be sitting at my desk at work crying my eyes out. I know I have been on a lyric kick lately and you are probably all sick of it -but one song has been stuck in my mind the past few days. This song was one that, when I was pregnant, brought be to tears every time I heard it. It reminded me to cherish the time I had with my Avery because it was time I would not get back. It also helped me to remember that there are things in life that may seem huge at the time but those things usually end up being small and unimportant compared to family, friends and love. It is a song by Carrie Underwood. I promise this is my last lyric sharing post!
So Small
What you got if you ain't got love,
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You want to shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you hole
While your sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Life Changes
Lately I have been thinking about my life, where I want it to go and whether or not I would be happy with it if it were to end tomorrow. I have been striving lately to do what I think my Heavenly Father would want me to do. I have been trying to make decisions based on how He would make the decision if He were to do it for me. I feel lost. I have felt lost for a while now but I know that something is coming, something that is going to help me find my way. Ever since Avery went Home I have wondered if that was my whole purpose in life, to carry her until it was time for her to return to her Father in Heaven. If that was my purpose, I could be okay with that because I know she was perfect. My daughter, my precious little girl, was absolutely perfect and no one can ever change that. But if my life is meant for more, I need to know how to get there.
In my church we have what is called a Patriarchal Blessing. This is where a Patriarch of the church lays his hands on your head and give you a blessing. This blessing is something that you take with you and use as a sort of road map for the rest of your life. Now it is not like a fortune teller, he doesn't attempt to tell you your future. The blessing is meant to help you as you make decisions in your life so that you don't feel lost. It is hard for me to explain because you can only get one blessing in your life and obviously, I haven't had mine yet. Most members of the church get their blessing when they are young adults preparing to enter into the world on their own. I was extremely inactive at that age so I did not even think that I wanted one at the time. In a way, I am so glad that I waited. I know that I need this blessing now, more than ever. I will not be able to share my blessing, because it is sacred and it is only for me, but this is something that I have been looking forward to for months now.
As I approach the 5 month mark since Avery's birth, I have been thinking back to that day. I don't want to forget it, I don't want to forget one second of it. I don't believe that I ever could forget but I am thinking that I may write the events of that day down in detail so that I know it will never be forgotten. I have yet to start this because of my homework load but I hope to start it soon, maybe during my 3 week break from school in May. I still miss her everyday, and when I see her photo I wonder to myself if she misses me as much as I miss her. Every time I visit her grave I tell her how much I love her and how much I am looking forward to holding her again.
I want to share another Rascal Flatts song with you that means a lot to me. This may seem cheesy but I love to listen to the words of songs, that is really how I determine how much I like the song. This song was the RF song that made me a fan, since then I have come to love most of their music.
Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
One more thing, there was a post recently on Nate's blog that made me think. Mothers were posting what they wish for Tricia, things that she gets to look forward to. I have a few things that I wish I could be doing right now...
Be awaken in the middle of a night to the sound of a crying baby
Take every chance I get to kiss my daughter and breath in her smell
Watch Skeet hold and fuss over his little girl, I know he would be wrapped around her finger
Be able to just sit and watch her sleep
See her smile for the first time
Hear her laugh and coo
These are just a few of a very long list. To all you mothers out there, cherish every moment you have with your child/children. You are very blessed.
In my church we have what is called a Patriarchal Blessing. This is where a Patriarch of the church lays his hands on your head and give you a blessing. This blessing is something that you take with you and use as a sort of road map for the rest of your life. Now it is not like a fortune teller, he doesn't attempt to tell you your future. The blessing is meant to help you as you make decisions in your life so that you don't feel lost. It is hard for me to explain because you can only get one blessing in your life and obviously, I haven't had mine yet. Most members of the church get their blessing when they are young adults preparing to enter into the world on their own. I was extremely inactive at that age so I did not even think that I wanted one at the time. In a way, I am so glad that I waited. I know that I need this blessing now, more than ever. I will not be able to share my blessing, because it is sacred and it is only for me, but this is something that I have been looking forward to for months now.
As I approach the 5 month mark since Avery's birth, I have been thinking back to that day. I don't want to forget it, I don't want to forget one second of it. I don't believe that I ever could forget but I am thinking that I may write the events of that day down in detail so that I know it will never be forgotten. I have yet to start this because of my homework load but I hope to start it soon, maybe during my 3 week break from school in May. I still miss her everyday, and when I see her photo I wonder to myself if she misses me as much as I miss her. Every time I visit her grave I tell her how much I love her and how much I am looking forward to holding her again.
I want to share another Rascal Flatts song with you that means a lot to me. This may seem cheesy but I love to listen to the words of songs, that is really how I determine how much I like the song. This song was the RF song that made me a fan, since then I have come to love most of their music.
Bless the Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
One more thing, there was a post recently on Nate's blog that made me think. Mothers were posting what they wish for Tricia, things that she gets to look forward to. I have a few things that I wish I could be doing right now...
Be awaken in the middle of a night to the sound of a crying baby
Take every chance I get to kiss my daughter and breath in her smell
Watch Skeet hold and fuss over his little girl, I know he would be wrapped around her finger
Be able to just sit and watch her sleep
See her smile for the first time
Hear her laugh and coo
These are just a few of a very long list. To all you mothers out there, cherish every moment you have with your child/children. You are very blessed.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Some Fun!
I had the most fun I have had in a long time this weekend. Last year my sister and I got tickets to see Rascal Flatts in concert. Our seats last year were not great but even so, we had a blast. This year when we saw that they were returning to Las Vegas we got tickets right away. The concert was yesterday at the Mandalay Bay Events Center and it was amazing! Our seats were much better this time, we were so close to the stage and the energy was great. We had so much fun, we didn't want it to end!! And... to those of you who are country fans and watch CMT you may want to keep an eye out for their new video because yours truely may be making her television debut! They were filming segments of the concert for their new video and I had a camera on me for quite some time. I am not saying it is for sure but wouldn't that be fun??
Anyway, Rascal Flatts have some songs that are very inspirational to me and I wanted to share some lines from one of them. If you have never heard them you should definately check them out!
My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
Chorus
My wish for youIs that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything.
Chorus
It is one of my many favorites that they sing, I have to warn you though... they are country. But they are still worth a listen. I used to dislike country music very much but I can't get enough of these guys! They are extremely talented
I will let you all know if I make the cut for the music video! ;)
Anyway, Rascal Flatts have some songs that are very inspirational to me and I wanted to share some lines from one of them. If you have never heard them you should definately check them out!
My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
Chorus
My wish for youIs that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything.
Chorus
It is one of my many favorites that they sing, I have to warn you though... they are country. But they are still worth a listen. I used to dislike country music very much but I can't get enough of these guys! They are extremely talented
I will let you all know if I make the cut for the music video! ;)
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