Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sawyer's 3 Month & Family Pictures
Abbey from AK Studio & Design has once again outdone herself! She did Sawyer's 3 month pictures as well as some family shots back in August and they turned out so great! We just love Abbey and her talent! I love how well she captures the emotions, and especially Sawyer's sweet disposition. She is so incredibly good at what she does and on top of that, you won't meet a nicer gal! I just love her! We have so much fun talking and just hanging out during these shoots! I can hardly wait to see what she did with Sawyer's 6 month pics... Thanks Abbey!!
Mom stuff
I feel like after watching my sister raise my nephew for the first year, I was pretty prepared and new what to expect when it came to being a mom, for the most part. There are a few things though that I don't think I could have ever been prepared for. Things I probably wasn't paying attention to and of course there are the emotional things that you have to experience to know how it feels. I cannot get over how much I love being a mom!!
I never thought that I could get ready for work in 10 minutes or that I could actually wear the first outfit I put on out the door without even looking in the mirror first. I used to care a lot more about my appearance but now I care more about those few extra minutes I could be loving on my sweet little boy. As long as I have some make-up on and my clothes match for the most part I really don't care anymore. I think that will change as he gets older and I have more time to care about how I look! I also cut 5 inches off my hair, thinking it would be easier to style and maybe I wouldn't have to pull it back as much. Now I hate my hair and I rarely go a day without pulling it back!! Oh well... it keeps it from being pulled and eaten by a cute little boy.
I also never thought I would be so interested in the bowel movements of anyone! Sawyer has been a little plugged up lately, averaging 1-2 poopy diapers a week if we're lucky, and that's one of the first questions I ask the sitter when I pick him up "did he poop today?" I also cheer and praise him if he does poop! It's so crazy!! Over the last few weeks, thoughts of poop have consumed me!
I have always been one to love my sleep and sleep is not something I have gotten a lot of in the last six months. Sawyer slept through the night for the first time the other night and instead of being happy about it (I did check on him multiple times, so still no sleep for me), I was sad that I didn't get my middle of the night cuddle time. I don't know what is better than picking his warm, sleepy little body up out of his crib and kiss him like crazy (he smells so good!!) and then he cuddles right up to me and I rock him back to sleep, or feed him. I know that he should be sleeping through the night by now and I should be letting him put himself back to sleep. I will, someday, soon, I just hate the thought of giving up that time with him when I don't get to see him all day long.
I couldn't have imagined how a smile, a giggle, or a big, drooly kiss on the face could make my whole world better. No matter what kind of a day I have had, knowing that I have his adorable face and those big wet kisses to come home to, makes it all easier to deal with. It is definitely another thing that no one can prepare you for by telling you about it.
I always thought that I was going to be a tough mom. One who wouldn't spoil, wouldn't coddle, wouldn't give in at the sign of tears, but so far... I am the biggest softie. If this continues Mr. Sawyer will be able to get whatever he wants, whenever he wants just from a smile, or a tear.
I cannot get over how lucky I feel to be his mom. I honestly don't think I deserve to be this happy but I am so grateful that he is mine, and that I am his!! I hope and pray that I never take motherhood for granted. I know how blessed I am and I hope that in the future, when the days do get rough, I will always remember how lucky I am to have such beautiful children and how bad it hurt when I didn't have them.
I never thought that I could get ready for work in 10 minutes or that I could actually wear the first outfit I put on out the door without even looking in the mirror first. I used to care a lot more about my appearance but now I care more about those few extra minutes I could be loving on my sweet little boy. As long as I have some make-up on and my clothes match for the most part I really don't care anymore. I think that will change as he gets older and I have more time to care about how I look! I also cut 5 inches off my hair, thinking it would be easier to style and maybe I wouldn't have to pull it back as much. Now I hate my hair and I rarely go a day without pulling it back!! Oh well... it keeps it from being pulled and eaten by a cute little boy.
I also never thought I would be so interested in the bowel movements of anyone! Sawyer has been a little plugged up lately, averaging 1-2 poopy diapers a week if we're lucky, and that's one of the first questions I ask the sitter when I pick him up "did he poop today?" I also cheer and praise him if he does poop! It's so crazy!! Over the last few weeks, thoughts of poop have consumed me!
I have always been one to love my sleep and sleep is not something I have gotten a lot of in the last six months. Sawyer slept through the night for the first time the other night and instead of being happy about it (I did check on him multiple times, so still no sleep for me), I was sad that I didn't get my middle of the night cuddle time. I don't know what is better than picking his warm, sleepy little body up out of his crib and kiss him like crazy (he smells so good!!) and then he cuddles right up to me and I rock him back to sleep, or feed him. I know that he should be sleeping through the night by now and I should be letting him put himself back to sleep. I will, someday, soon, I just hate the thought of giving up that time with him when I don't get to see him all day long.
I couldn't have imagined how a smile, a giggle, or a big, drooly kiss on the face could make my whole world better. No matter what kind of a day I have had, knowing that I have his adorable face and those big wet kisses to come home to, makes it all easier to deal with. It is definitely another thing that no one can prepare you for by telling you about it.
I always thought that I was going to be a tough mom. One who wouldn't spoil, wouldn't coddle, wouldn't give in at the sign of tears, but so far... I am the biggest softie. If this continues Mr. Sawyer will be able to get whatever he wants, whenever he wants just from a smile, or a tear.
I cannot get over how lucky I feel to be his mom. I honestly don't think I deserve to be this happy but I am so grateful that he is mine, and that I am his!! I hope and pray that I never take motherhood for granted. I know how blessed I am and I hope that in the future, when the days do get rough, I will always remember how lucky I am to have such beautiful children and how bad it hurt when I didn't have them.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
4 Years Ago...
4 years ago today my first child, Avery, was born. We knew there was a very good chance she would not live long but had hopes that we would get a miracle. We did eventually get our miracle but it wasn't that one, that day. Avery was born without a heartbeat and when her heart stopped, a part of my heart stopped with it. I will forever be changed because of my sweet little daughter's very short time with us. Her Daddy and I never knew her outside of my body but we still love her and think of her and miss her every day. I can only imagine what she would be like as a 4 year old. I am sure she would adore her baby brother and would be a little mommy to him. At this age she might start noticing that she wasn't the same as other kids but I like to believe that she would know that she was loved and she was important no matter what anyone else said. I had big plans for my little girl, I still do, but I am going to have a wait a little while.
The events of Avery's birthday 4 years ago are still fresh in my mind. I hope that I never forget how I felt that day and especially how it felt to hold my firstborn child in my arms for the first and last time. It is sad, but it's all I have of her.
Hi Avery,
Happy Birthday baby girl! I can't believe that you would have been 4 years old today!! The time has passed so quickly. I still remember holding you like it was just yesterday. Your daddy and I miss you so much. We want to thank you for letting your little brother finally come and help us heal. No one will ever replace you. You will always be my firstborn and my little girl but having your brother here to hold has helped your mommy and daddy so much. It has also made us miss you so much more. Now that we are experiencing all we missed out on with you, we are sad. I hope that you know how much we love you and how proud we are to be your parents. We like to talk to Sawyer about you all the time. He will grow up knowing all about his big sister. Please continue to watch over him and keep him safe and healthy. I hope that someday I can be the mother that you and Sawyer deserve and that I can make you proud. I love you so much Avery. You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments in this life.
Love,
Mommy
The events of Avery's birthday 4 years ago are still fresh in my mind. I hope that I never forget how I felt that day and especially how it felt to hold my firstborn child in my arms for the first and last time. It is sad, but it's all I have of her.
Hi Avery,
Happy Birthday baby girl! I can't believe that you would have been 4 years old today!! The time has passed so quickly. I still remember holding you like it was just yesterday. Your daddy and I miss you so much. We want to thank you for letting your little brother finally come and help us heal. No one will ever replace you. You will always be my firstborn and my little girl but having your brother here to hold has helped your mommy and daddy so much. It has also made us miss you so much more. Now that we are experiencing all we missed out on with you, we are sad. I hope that you know how much we love you and how proud we are to be your parents. We like to talk to Sawyer about you all the time. He will grow up knowing all about his big sister. Please continue to watch over him and keep him safe and healthy. I hope that someday I can be the mother that you and Sawyer deserve and that I can make you proud. I love you so much Avery. You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments in this life.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Parents of Angels "Club"
A little something I have been thinking about... the first part might sound a little familiar to some... but I thought I'd write it down and share it with everyone. It didn't come out exactly as it was in my head but it is close.
There’s this club, no one wants to join, no one asks to
join, and you aren’t a member of this club until you are. Only other members of this club can even come
close understanding you, what you’ve been through, what you’re feeling. And though no one wants to be a part of this
club, every member knows exactly what other members need to get through each
day, so they lean on and support each other.
We all ask ourselves, why did we have to be a part of this club? Why couldn’t we have gone on blissfully in life
not knowing that this club even exists?
We would have rather lived our lives not knowing the wide variety of
extreme emotions that go along with being a club member.
No, no one wants to be a part of this special club, but here
we are. I like to believe that we were
chosen to be here because of our strength and because of our faith. We were given a very special gift, a child
too pure and too good for this world.
Whether we held our children for a few months or for only a short moment
or maybe not at all, we all were chosen especially for that child. If our child had gone to anyone else, they
may not have been appreciated or loved the way that they needed to be in order
to make a difference on this earth.
Their journey in this life was so short that they needed parents and
families that would forever remember them and love them, no matter what the
situation. They needed us to make sure
that the rest of the world knew that they existed and that they were
loved.
And maybe we needed them too. I am sure you have heard, while traveling
this rough road, someone say how strong you are and how they could never have
survived such an ordeal. I am sure at
some point in our lives we all thought that too. However, our babies came and showed us how
strong we really are. They showed us how
to love, how to cry, how to lose and how to recover. We would give anything to have them back but
because of them we have seen our own strength, strength we never knew we
had. Now, we can reach out to others and
help them to find their hidden strength as well.
Some of our angels made us first time parents with empty
arms, or maybe we’ve gone on to have other children, some are even lucky enough
to be loved by older siblings. Our
stories are all different but our angels have left us each with a gift, a
deeper appreciation for the children that are left to help us heal. Whether
they have traveled this journey with us, joined us later on, or have yet to
come. These children know a special kind
of love and appreciation they may not have otherwise and are especially blessed
with an angel watching over them night and day.
I am grateful for my angel and the way her life has changed
me. She made me a mother and taught me a
love I had never known before. Although
I still miss her every day, my heart has begun to heal and now when I think of
her, there are more smiles than tears.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
8 Years and 5 Months
8 years ago today I married my best friend, my dream guy, my rock, my everything, my Skeeter!! Words cannot express how much I love and appreciate this man! He is an amazing husband and father and is more to me than I could have ever dared to imagine. My wedding may not have been exactly what I wanted it to be but I have learned over the years that, even though weddings are fun, it is the marriage that matters the most. Skeet and I have an awesome marriage. We rarely fight. We don't sweat the small stuff. We know how to appreciate each other (I think this is because he is gone so much). Our marriage has survived some pretty stressful stuff and what might normally tear people apart, has brought us so much closer together. Together we have a deeper appreciation for family and especially for our children. We might not have everything we think we want but we have what is important and we realize that. I couldn't have picked a better person to experience life with and I am so glad that he picked me!
Skeeter, Thank you for being the man that you are! I don't know how I would survive without you. You are my everything and I love you more every day. I am the luckiest lady ever to have found someone as handsome, thoughtful, sweet, smart and sexy as you! Thank you for being an awesome daddy to Sawyer and Avery too! They are so lucky to have you!
Guess who is 5 months today? Yep that's right... my smiley little cutie has been making our lives bright and well.. pretty much perfect for the last 5 months! I can't believe how fast they have flown by and how big he has gotten! I weighed him this weekend and he has hit 16 pounds and I am pretty sure he is 27 inches by now. He gets so big every day!! Skeet couldn't believe how big he got in just 2 weeks! He has turned our world upside down and we are loving every second of it!
Sawyer is in size 3 diapers and is mostly in 6-9 month size clothes. He can still wear some 3-6 month and even 0-3 month pants because his legs are shorter and his waist is skinny. He has a crazy long torso though so he grows out of footed jammies and onsies really quick!
For the last 3 weeks Sawyer has been eating rice cereal and he has recently started oatmeal which he loves!! We are thinking we might try some sweet potatoes next but I am not in a hurry because I feel like he is growing up to fast and I can maybe control it a little if he doesn't get to eat big boy food!
I have seen Sawyer roll from his back to his tummy multiple times but his tummy to back only twice about a a month ago, but yesterday I learned that he rolls from his tummy to his back all the time at the babysitter. Not sure why he does it there and not at home but as long as he's doing it, I am okay. He is getting really good at sitting up and I think by 6 months he will have it down for sure.
He loves his jumper and his legs are getting so strong because of all the time he spends in there. I think he may be an early stander/walker because of this. He loves to stand up on our laps and can do so for a few minutes with just barely any support.
He is still a cuddle bug and loves his mommy and daddy the most. Especially daddy, he always has a smile and a giggle for his dad.
He has yet to sleep through the night but has had a few nights recently that he's only woken up once. Mom on the other hand wakes up all night long to check on him. I am not sure I'll be able to stop doing that. I am much too paranoid. He is even getting good at putting himself to sleep. I know that his babysitter has been making him do it at her house so I tried it over the weekend and even last night and he's been doing pretty good. Last night he didn't even cry when I put him down... just looked around for a little bit and eventually fell asleep (thank goodness for video monitor, don't know if I would survive without it). However, his favorite place to sleep is still next to mommy. He will be half asleep and have to reach out and grab mommy's face to make sure she's still there.
He is getting to where he grabs at everything. Especially if mommy is holding it. Then he really wants it. I think it's the cutest thing ever! Honestly, I find everything that this little man does cute, even his poops and burps are cute to me. I just love him so much!!
Sawyer still loves story time and his favorite book is "Itsy Bitsy Spider" by Kate Toms. He loves this book and is always trying to grab the spider on the front cover. I don't know if any of you have seen it but this book has the most adorable illustrations and I wish they sold a spider that looked like this one because I would buy it for him in a heartbeat! If I was more crafty I might try to make it for him!
We fall more in love with this little guy every day! I am loving being his mom and I pretty much think he is the best and cutest little thing ever! I am such a lucky mommy!!
Guess who is 5 months today? Yep that's right... my smiley little cutie has been making our lives bright and well.. pretty much perfect for the last 5 months! I can't believe how fast they have flown by and how big he has gotten! I weighed him this weekend and he has hit 16 pounds and I am pretty sure he is 27 inches by now. He gets so big every day!! Skeet couldn't believe how big he got in just 2 weeks! He has turned our world upside down and we are loving every second of it!
Sawyer is in size 3 diapers and is mostly in 6-9 month size clothes. He can still wear some 3-6 month and even 0-3 month pants because his legs are shorter and his waist is skinny. He has a crazy long torso though so he grows out of footed jammies and onsies really quick!
For the last 3 weeks Sawyer has been eating rice cereal and he has recently started oatmeal which he loves!! We are thinking we might try some sweet potatoes next but I am not in a hurry because I feel like he is growing up to fast and I can maybe control it a little if he doesn't get to eat big boy food!
I have seen Sawyer roll from his back to his tummy multiple times but his tummy to back only twice about a a month ago, but yesterday I learned that he rolls from his tummy to his back all the time at the babysitter. Not sure why he does it there and not at home but as long as he's doing it, I am okay. He is getting really good at sitting up and I think by 6 months he will have it down for sure.
He loves his jumper and his legs are getting so strong because of all the time he spends in there. I think he may be an early stander/walker because of this. He loves to stand up on our laps and can do so for a few minutes with just barely any support.
He is still a cuddle bug and loves his mommy and daddy the most. Especially daddy, he always has a smile and a giggle for his dad.
He has yet to sleep through the night but has had a few nights recently that he's only woken up once. Mom on the other hand wakes up all night long to check on him. I am not sure I'll be able to stop doing that. I am much too paranoid. He is even getting good at putting himself to sleep. I know that his babysitter has been making him do it at her house so I tried it over the weekend and even last night and he's been doing pretty good. Last night he didn't even cry when I put him down... just looked around for a little bit and eventually fell asleep (thank goodness for video monitor, don't know if I would survive without it). However, his favorite place to sleep is still next to mommy. He will be half asleep and have to reach out and grab mommy's face to make sure she's still there.
He is getting to where he grabs at everything. Especially if mommy is holding it. Then he really wants it. I think it's the cutest thing ever! Honestly, I find everything that this little man does cute, even his poops and burps are cute to me. I just love him so much!!
Sawyer still loves story time and his favorite book is "Itsy Bitsy Spider" by Kate Toms. He loves this book and is always trying to grab the spider on the front cover. I don't know if any of you have seen it but this book has the most adorable illustrations and I wish they sold a spider that looked like this one because I would buy it for him in a heartbeat! If I was more crafty I might try to make it for him!
We fall more in love with this little guy every day! I am loving being his mom and I pretty much think he is the best and cutest little thing ever! I am such a lucky mommy!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Winter
Normally I hate the cold. I dread winter coming... especially Utah winters but this year I have this to look forward to and that makes me excited! What a cute boy! And he's sporting Dad's favorite baseball team!!
Just a side note, I have not been feeding him punch or red popsicles... his cheekers get red from him sucking his hands. They don't usually look this bad. I think the beanie brings out the red in his cheeks!
Just a side note, I have not been feeding him punch or red popsicles... his cheekers get red from him sucking his hands. They don't usually look this bad. I think the beanie brings out the red in his cheeks!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
For Me
This post is for me, so that if I ever do have another baby I can look back and compare. I also want to record some more things that I want to remember about this age with Sawyer.
I am almost 5 months postpartum. Right now my hair is falling out in big handfuls, my arms have little red bumps up and down them (that the dermatologist has said isn't easy to get rid of and incredibly common) and although I have lost all of my pregnancy weight, my body is flabby and saggy all over. The acne that I suffered from the first couple of months has cleared up pretty good with a couple of exceptions here and there. I fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes for the most part but most just don't fit right because I am still sporting a very flabby pooch around my tummy area. I am okay if my pants are cut a little higher cause I can tuck it in but the low cut pants will have to stay in the closet indefinitely. The stretch marks that I thought that I would hate are lightening up a ton (thanks to Bio Oil) and are just another reminder of the miracle that I hold in my arms every day. I don't love them but they are endearing for sure.
Breastfeeding is still going well. I am able to pump enough at work, usually, to get Sawyer through the next day at the sitters and even have some extra to put in his cereal at night. I have cut dairy and chocolate completely from my diet. Dairy gives Sawyer a rumbly tummy and some pretty watery diapers. Chocolate just makes him scream and I mean SCREAM! We learned that early on and it was reaffirmed a time or two when we weren't sure if it was the chocolate or something else. If I eat an excess of raw onions (which I don't usually do) that will give him a tummy ache as well. Too much caffiene causes tummy problems too so I try to go easy on it but it is necessary from time to time. On the plus side, I think that cutting dairy has really helped me with my weight loss. I still eat a ton and not the healthiest diet but I have dropped 6 pounds in the last few weeks and it looks like I might be still losing weight. Now if I could only find the energy and time to do some weight training and running and I might actually have a body that doesn't gross me out when I look in the mirror.
Sawyer is growing so fast and getting cuter every day. His smiles seriously make me ridiculously happy and his laughs just about put me over the edge. I think when he smiles it makes everyone happy. I know that my parents both agree that they brighten their day for sure! I am going to miss his toothless grin and his cute little giggle. I know it will change as he gets older and it will probably still be cute but it won't be the same.
I am also going to miss his soft skin. I knew babies had soft skin but it is crazy soft. I love to hold on to his little hand while I am feeding him or while he is sleeping and just rub it across my cheek or lips. It always smells good too!
I love his natural mohawk and will miss how it is always sticking up in every direction and there is nothing I can do about it. It is starting to get really long on top but the thought of cutting it makes me want to cry. Maybe we'll see how long we can get it before Daddy makes me cut it!
I love how when he's eating he wants so badly to look around and see what's going on. He'll eat for a while and then it's almost like he can't take it anymore and pulls off dramatically, lays his head back and just looks all over the place all at once. After a while he'll eat some more and then do the same thing again. It is too cute and always makes me laugh.
I will miss the way he smiles with his tongue and how when he thinks something funny he'll blow a raspberry/spit instead of laughing. And also how he likes to talk around his fingers or binkie. He likes to blow raspberries when he's got them in his mouth too.
He is getting really good at taking his binkie but he's getting even better at spitting it out. Sometimes when I put it in his mouth he'll suck on it for a second and then spit it out as hard as he can and it makes a popping noise and shoots a few feet. He'll do it in his sleep too. I'll put him to bed with it in his mouth and watch on the video monitor as he shoots it across his crib.
He has a new thing where he'll hide his head in my shoulder when someone talks to him or looks at him while I am holding him. Like he's shy or something. So cute!!
He hardly cries anymore. He has a whine that he does when he's hungry or tired and I can usually tell which is which by his schedule. The whine is pretty cute and I can honestly say I will miss it because I am sure when he gets older he'll still whine but it won't be as cute!
I am sure I have a ton more but that's all I can think of at the moment. Skeet will be home tonight and I am so looking forward to a day off with him. We haven't had a day off together since I went back to work (which was over 2 months ago). It will be nice to have some time as a family!!
I am almost 5 months postpartum. Right now my hair is falling out in big handfuls, my arms have little red bumps up and down them (that the dermatologist has said isn't easy to get rid of and incredibly common) and although I have lost all of my pregnancy weight, my body is flabby and saggy all over. The acne that I suffered from the first couple of months has cleared up pretty good with a couple of exceptions here and there. I fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes for the most part but most just don't fit right because I am still sporting a very flabby pooch around my tummy area. I am okay if my pants are cut a little higher cause I can tuck it in but the low cut pants will have to stay in the closet indefinitely. The stretch marks that I thought that I would hate are lightening up a ton (thanks to Bio Oil) and are just another reminder of the miracle that I hold in my arms every day. I don't love them but they are endearing for sure.
Breastfeeding is still going well. I am able to pump enough at work, usually, to get Sawyer through the next day at the sitters and even have some extra to put in his cereal at night. I have cut dairy and chocolate completely from my diet. Dairy gives Sawyer a rumbly tummy and some pretty watery diapers. Chocolate just makes him scream and I mean SCREAM! We learned that early on and it was reaffirmed a time or two when we weren't sure if it was the chocolate or something else. If I eat an excess of raw onions (which I don't usually do) that will give him a tummy ache as well. Too much caffiene causes tummy problems too so I try to go easy on it but it is necessary from time to time. On the plus side, I think that cutting dairy has really helped me with my weight loss. I still eat a ton and not the healthiest diet but I have dropped 6 pounds in the last few weeks and it looks like I might be still losing weight. Now if I could only find the energy and time to do some weight training and running and I might actually have a body that doesn't gross me out when I look in the mirror.
Sawyer is growing so fast and getting cuter every day. His smiles seriously make me ridiculously happy and his laughs just about put me over the edge. I think when he smiles it makes everyone happy. I know that my parents both agree that they brighten their day for sure! I am going to miss his toothless grin and his cute little giggle. I know it will change as he gets older and it will probably still be cute but it won't be the same.
I am also going to miss his soft skin. I knew babies had soft skin but it is crazy soft. I love to hold on to his little hand while I am feeding him or while he is sleeping and just rub it across my cheek or lips. It always smells good too!
I love his natural mohawk and will miss how it is always sticking up in every direction and there is nothing I can do about it. It is starting to get really long on top but the thought of cutting it makes me want to cry. Maybe we'll see how long we can get it before Daddy makes me cut it!
I love how when he's eating he wants so badly to look around and see what's going on. He'll eat for a while and then it's almost like he can't take it anymore and pulls off dramatically, lays his head back and just looks all over the place all at once. After a while he'll eat some more and then do the same thing again. It is too cute and always makes me laugh.
I will miss the way he smiles with his tongue and how when he thinks something funny he'll blow a raspberry/spit instead of laughing. And also how he likes to talk around his fingers or binkie. He likes to blow raspberries when he's got them in his mouth too.
He is getting really good at taking his binkie but he's getting even better at spitting it out. Sometimes when I put it in his mouth he'll suck on it for a second and then spit it out as hard as he can and it makes a popping noise and shoots a few feet. He'll do it in his sleep too. I'll put him to bed with it in his mouth and watch on the video monitor as he shoots it across his crib.
He has a new thing where he'll hide his head in my shoulder when someone talks to him or looks at him while I am holding him. Like he's shy or something. So cute!!
He hardly cries anymore. He has a whine that he does when he's hungry or tired and I can usually tell which is which by his schedule. The whine is pretty cute and I can honestly say I will miss it because I am sure when he gets older he'll still whine but it won't be as cute!
I am sure I have a ton more but that's all I can think of at the moment. Skeet will be home tonight and I am so looking forward to a day off with him. We haven't had a day off together since I went back to work (which was over 2 months ago). It will be nice to have some time as a family!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Reality?
I don't know if it is because I am not getting even close to enough sleep or if there is some other reason but I am having the hardest time accepting my reality. It's not as bad as it sounds. My reality is amazing! Better than I ever imagined my life could be. I am happier than I ever thought possible. So why then, do I feel like I am walking around in a dreamy fog? I love being a mom, I love being Sawyer's mom, but I still can't believe that I am. When he laughs and smiles at me my heart feels like it is going to explode with joy and that sensation is so unreal that I have a hard time believing that it is, in fact, real. Watching Skeet and Sawyer together gives me the same feeling. I always knew Skeet would be an amazing dad but I never thought that being a dad would change him as much as it has. My love and respect for him has grown immensely and it also doesn't feel real. I will be sitting at work, doing my thing, and just happen to look at the adorable picture I have of Sawyer on my desktop, it then hits me that I am a mom and that cute little boy is mine, but it doesn't feel real. About halfway through my work day the need to see and hold Sawyer gets so strong that sometimes it is painful and makes me want to ugly cry right there at my desk, but then I wonder if he'll be real when I pick him up from the sitter.
I don't know why I am having these feelings. Is it because I have never experienced this happiness before? Is it because I am so tired that I constantly feel like I am in a dream? Is my mind still trying to protect me from the pain I felt after losing Avery? I can't quite figure it out. Does anyone else feel this way?
The days are passing so fast and I know that it is because they are filled with, well work during the week, but then it's play time, nap time, meal time, bed time, etc. When Sawyer is not sleeping or eating (well sometimes when he's eating) I am constantly doing my best to make him smile or laugh. I second guess myself all the time though, wondering if he is getting enough stimulation, or the right kinds. I wonder if he is on track developmentally or if something I am doing or not doing is holding him back. What if I am not spending enough time talking to him, singing to him, reading to him? What if he's not getting the physical stimulation he needs? I feel like motherhood is just something that I automatically do. I don't really question the things that need to be done like feeding, diaper changing and those basic care type of things but when it comes to all the other stuff that the websites and books are constantly saying you need to do to make sure your baby grows up to be strong or smart, how do I know I am doing it right or enough? I feel guilty when I put him down and walk away. Especially because I don't see him very much during the week. Occasionally I have let the TV entertain him while I get myself something to eat, or even use the bathroom but then I feel guilty for that as well. I want nothing more than to be the best mom for Sawyer because he deserves that and so much more. I think having Skeet gone, and being his primary caregiver, has intensified these feelings because I feel more pressure to be both mom and dad for Sawyer. The last week has felt like a month in regards to Skeet being gone and we still have another week to go! I give props to all those single parents out there doing both jobs. I don't know how you do it and stay sane!
I am 100% okay with putting every single one of Sawyer's needs before mine. That is what I am here for. However, if the lack of sleep or the loss of my sense of self is the reason that I feel like my life is a dream, then I should probably try to fix it right? It's not just the last 4 months that have seemed like a blur, it's the last few years! I try to look back 4 years to when we had Avery and it all seems so unreal to me. Even trying to remember my pregnancy with Sawyer gives me a blurry headache. If I didn't have pictures of my big fat belly, I might believe that Sawyer was dropped off by a stork.
I also want to give a shout out to all those working moms out there. I never thought it was a big deal. My mom worked the entire time I was growing up and I don't know if maybe after 4 kids, work was an escape for her (probably). But, only having one and knowing that there is a chance he could be our last, makes going to work torture. I am good for a half a day. I feel like I get a breather and time to regroup but then at about noon I am dying to see him. I wonder what he's doing, if he's being good, if he is eating, sleeping or pooping good for his sitter. I start counting down the minutes until I get to pick him up, see him smile, smell his head. Of all the things I thought would be difficult after becoming a mom, I never thought that going back to work would be up there with watching them get shots. At least with shots you can immediately pick them up and comfort them. I know he's fine at the baby sitter but I am in pain at work wondering how long before he starts thinking of B or T as his second and third mommies. Don't get me wrong. I like my job, love the people I work with and am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to have such a good job but my job would be the best thing ever if it was only part-time! I doubt it will ever happen but I can dream. And in the mean time I can try to take advantage and enjoy every second I do get with my handsome little man. There is nothing better than a yummy Sawyer fix after a 9 hour long, excruciating, day without him. My heart breaks for Skeet. 9 hours without holding Sawyer is the absolute worst! Skeet has gone 9 days so far, it must be killing him!
I have some more cute phone pictures I want to share. I can't wait to get a new phone with a better camera but that's not going to happen until around February so you'll have to endure with the crappy quality of these photos. At least the subject is really fun to look at!!
I don't know why I am having these feelings. Is it because I have never experienced this happiness before? Is it because I am so tired that I constantly feel like I am in a dream? Is my mind still trying to protect me from the pain I felt after losing Avery? I can't quite figure it out. Does anyone else feel this way?
The days are passing so fast and I know that it is because they are filled with, well work during the week, but then it's play time, nap time, meal time, bed time, etc. When Sawyer is not sleeping or eating (well sometimes when he's eating) I am constantly doing my best to make him smile or laugh. I second guess myself all the time though, wondering if he is getting enough stimulation, or the right kinds. I wonder if he is on track developmentally or if something I am doing or not doing is holding him back. What if I am not spending enough time talking to him, singing to him, reading to him? What if he's not getting the physical stimulation he needs? I feel like motherhood is just something that I automatically do. I don't really question the things that need to be done like feeding, diaper changing and those basic care type of things but when it comes to all the other stuff that the websites and books are constantly saying you need to do to make sure your baby grows up to be strong or smart, how do I know I am doing it right or enough? I feel guilty when I put him down and walk away. Especially because I don't see him very much during the week. Occasionally I have let the TV entertain him while I get myself something to eat, or even use the bathroom but then I feel guilty for that as well. I want nothing more than to be the best mom for Sawyer because he deserves that and so much more. I think having Skeet gone, and being his primary caregiver, has intensified these feelings because I feel more pressure to be both mom and dad for Sawyer. The last week has felt like a month in regards to Skeet being gone and we still have another week to go! I give props to all those single parents out there doing both jobs. I don't know how you do it and stay sane!
I am 100% okay with putting every single one of Sawyer's needs before mine. That is what I am here for. However, if the lack of sleep or the loss of my sense of self is the reason that I feel like my life is a dream, then I should probably try to fix it right? It's not just the last 4 months that have seemed like a blur, it's the last few years! I try to look back 4 years to when we had Avery and it all seems so unreal to me. Even trying to remember my pregnancy with Sawyer gives me a blurry headache. If I didn't have pictures of my big fat belly, I might believe that Sawyer was dropped off by a stork.
I also want to give a shout out to all those working moms out there. I never thought it was a big deal. My mom worked the entire time I was growing up and I don't know if maybe after 4 kids, work was an escape for her (probably). But, only having one and knowing that there is a chance he could be our last, makes going to work torture. I am good for a half a day. I feel like I get a breather and time to regroup but then at about noon I am dying to see him. I wonder what he's doing, if he's being good, if he is eating, sleeping or pooping good for his sitter. I start counting down the minutes until I get to pick him up, see him smile, smell his head. Of all the things I thought would be difficult after becoming a mom, I never thought that going back to work would be up there with watching them get shots. At least with shots you can immediately pick them up and comfort them. I know he's fine at the baby sitter but I am in pain at work wondering how long before he starts thinking of B or T as his second and third mommies. Don't get me wrong. I like my job, love the people I work with and am so thankful that I am fortunate enough to have such a good job but my job would be the best thing ever if it was only part-time! I doubt it will ever happen but I can dream. And in the mean time I can try to take advantage and enjoy every second I do get with my handsome little man. There is nothing better than a yummy Sawyer fix after a 9 hour long, excruciating, day without him. My heart breaks for Skeet. 9 hours without holding Sawyer is the absolute worst! Skeet has gone 9 days so far, it must be killing him!
I have some more cute phone pictures I want to share. I can't wait to get a new phone with a better camera but that's not going to happen until around February so you'll have to endure with the crappy quality of these photos. At least the subject is really fun to look at!!
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