4 Years Ago...

4 years ago today my first child, Avery, was born.  We knew there was a very good chance she would not live long but had hopes that we would get a miracle.  We did eventually get our miracle but it wasn't that one, that day.  Avery was born without a heartbeat and when her heart stopped, a part of my heart stopped with it.  I will forever be changed because of my sweet little daughter's very short time with us.  Her Daddy and I never knew her outside of my body but we still love her and think of her and miss her every day.  I can only imagine what she would be like as a 4 year old.  I am sure she would adore her baby brother and would be a little mommy to him.  At this age she might start noticing that she wasn't the same as other kids but I like to believe that she would know that she was loved and she was important no matter what anyone else said.  I had big plans for my little girl, I still do, but I am going to have a wait a little while.

The events of Avery's birthday 4 years ago are still fresh in my mind.  I hope that I never forget how I felt that day and especially how it felt to hold my firstborn child in my arms for the first and last time.  It is sad, but it's all I have of her.

Hi Avery,


Happy Birthday baby girl!  I can't believe that you would have been 4 years old today!!  The time has passed so quickly.  I still remember holding you like it was just yesterday.  Your daddy and I miss you so much.  We want to thank you for letting your little brother finally come and help us heal.  No one will ever replace you.  You will always be my firstborn and my little girl but having your brother here to hold has helped your mommy and daddy so much.  It has also made us miss you so much more.  Now that we are experiencing all we missed out on with you, we are sad.  I hope that you know how much we love you and how proud we are to be your parents.  We like to talk to Sawyer about you all the time.  He will grow up knowing all about his big sister.  Please continue to watch over him and keep him safe and healthy.  I hope that someday I can be the mother that you and Sawyer deserve and that I can make you proud.  I love you so much Avery.  You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments in this life.

Love,
Mommy