Houston we have Ovulation

I know... the title is totally corny but it has my last name.... (pronounce it however you'd like) and Ovulation, which is what I was announcing!  I have officially ovulated without a trigger shot!!  I have been tracking my temperatures every morning at 6 am (yea that sucks on the weekends) and I have had a very obvious rise in temperature which means my body is producing progesterone... which means I OVULATED!!  Can you tell I am excited?  I don't know if anything will come of this cycle but I am pretty stoked that my body is doing what it is supposed to for the time being.  I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for good news.  I probably won't know anything for a couple of weeks... which falls right around my birthday.  So I am either going to have a totally fabulous birthday (please, please plllleeeeaaaaassse) or a kind of crappy one.  I am trying not to stress about it all but I can't help it.... the days are passing so slowly and it seems to be all I can think about.  I guess I need to find something to distract me... hmmm.

It Worked!!!

My ultrasound this morning brought some good news! Finally!  The clomid worked! I had a 26mm follicle on my left side!  Now we just have to see if I actually ovulate!  I can't believe that it worked.  We took clomid for a year and a half when we first started trying for a baby with no response what-so-ever and now, after everything else we've tried, the clomid works!  I just hope that it results in a healthy baby!  Maybe it's wishful thinking but things could be looking up.  The surgery, while it didn't make my cycles regular, helped my body respond to the clomid the way it's supposed to.  I will take that as success and now believe that the surgery was 100% worth it.  Will be even more so if in 9 months I am holding a healthy baby.  I know I should get too ahead of myself but it feels nice to have even a little bit of hope again!

Survived!

Well Skeet and I both survived 6 days of 100mg of clomid.  I go in next Tuesday for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing.  I am trying to stay positive and think good thoughts but I don't want to be disappointed.  I have a bad habit of expecting the worst so that maybe I can save myself some of the pain of disappointment.  I can't help it.  We don't have a good track record and I have been let down way too many times. 

It's been a rough week.  I have been dealing with the side effects of this evil drug (I won't think it's evil if it gives me a baby though... I promise I will be singing its praises) as well as suffering through Mother's Day.  I have gotten good at hiding my feelings at the family gatherings but it is actually pretty painful to even be there on days like Mother's Day and Father's Day.  (I know it doesn't affect Skeet like it does me, so I fret about it enough for the both of us.)  Also, with Memorial Day coming up, I just find myself thinking about and missing Miss Avery more than usual.  It has also been a year since our last FET and I am reliving some anger issues that I was feeling around this time last year.  I guess you could say I am in a funk and I don't really know how to get out of it.  For a second on Sunday morning (maybe only a half a second) I thought about going to church, thinking if I got back there I might feel not-so hopeless.  Then I remembered what day it was and knew that sitting through a Mother's Day service would probably not help my situation.

I hope to be back on Tuesday with some good news!!

Mother's Day

Hi Avery, 
It's Mother's Day again and I can't believe this is the third Mother's Day since you left us.  I remember, so clearly, that first Mother's Day I celebrated while you were still with us, before we knew that you would leave us too soon.  I had so many hopes for you and looked forward to the next year when I would celebrate Mother's Day alongside all of the other mothers and would be showing you off to the world.  I think Mother's Day is as hard for me to get through as your birthday is but for different reasons.  I know I will always be your mom and that does give me comfort.  However, every year I get to watch all of the other moms with their beautiful children and I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here wishing me a Happy Mother's Day too.  It breaks my heart.  I miss you so much.  I still grieve over all that we missed out on because we had to say goodbye.  You are so very special to me sweetie, I will never forget you and I will do my best to make sure that others know who you are and that I am your mom and forever will be. 
It's a bittersweet feeling to have someone wish me a Happy Mother's Day.  I am glad that they acknowledge that even though you aren't here I am still a mom, but it reminds me that you aren't here and how much I miss you. Your daddy was so sweet and gave me a card and a gift.  It means so much to me that he thinks of you and does special things to remind me of that.  We are so lucky to have him.  I hope you know that I love you with all of my heart and I still miss you and think of you every day. 
Love,
Mommy

Disappointments

Well I guess it's time I posted again.  The last week or so has been crappy.  I guess I should start by saying that I did not get into the Radiology Tech program again this year.  Last year I was an alternate.  This year I got a form letter that looked like it was just slapped together that said the competition was tough and I just didn't cut it (well not in those words but it felt that way).  No alternate position this year.  I have an appointment scheduled next week to go over my file and find out what I scored badly in so if I do decide to try yet again, I will know where I need to improve.  I am really trying to stay positive.  Don't get me wrong... the day I got the letter I made Skeet take me to Lefty's for some - very necessary- margaritas.  After I got a couple of those in me, I cried and bitched and then I decided to move on.  It's not like that is the worst thing I have faced in my 29 years.  I look at it now as an opportunity to pay off some more of our debt.  I am also making plans to replace the flooring in our kitchen and living area and do some serious work on our yard this summer.  Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant.  (Don't worry, I won't hold my breath for that one.) 

As much as I am tryng to stay positive and keep myself distracted, I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to achieve the things that I believe I am meant for.  I know I am not the one to decide that but it's not like I want to do these things for entirely selfish reasons.  It's only partially selfish.  I want to do ultrasounds because I want to make a difference.  I would love to work for a high risk doctor (and I hate to say this) like Dr. G.  I would be in contact with a lot of women who are struggling with something similar to what I went through with Avery and I might be able to help them have a better experience than I had.  I could assure them they are not alone and help them to enjoy the time they do have with their babies.  Give them ultrasounds and a chance to see their child because I know it is something you end up cherishing after your baby is gone.  I also want to be a mother.  To give this love I have to a child, to help that child grow into someone who wants to make a difference as well.  But for some reason... as much as I want to be a mother and as much as I want to help others in a painful situation, I am not being given the chance to do so.  It makes me feel so low and worthless.  Like I am not good enough to have those things or to be those things.  I know I am just having a pity party for myself so I'll shut up now.

Skeet's cousin (who I just adore) posted this link on her blog and like her, I can totally relate with the words that were written. So I thought I would steal her idea (sorry!) and post it as well. As I read through this blog post I felt as though I could have written those same words myself and wondered why I never had.  I hope that anyone that reads this post, will visit and read that blog post as well. 

AF showed today so that means on Friday I will start 100 mg of Clomid.  If you are reading this, please pray for Skeet.  I know how badly it affected me last time... I can't even imagine what doubling it will do.  So I will take the chlomid for 6 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see if it is doing anything.  I have one follistim injection at home and am wondering if I should use it if we don't see any good follicle growth.  Maybe we should turn this into an inject/IUI cycle since we won't be "actively trying" for a few months while Skeet is busy with fire season.  I can't decide.  Plus, I don't know how Skeet would feel about it.  I just can't believe it has been a year this month since our last FET.  Time has flown by and I don't want to have Avery's third birthday come and go and not be pregnant yet.  I can't believe I have been doing this for over 5 years.  It's really depressing to think about. 

Long post!

I haven't done a long post in a while and I guess I have missed a lot. I had my interview with Valley View for the Radiology Tech program last Friday.  I guess it went well but they interviewed 17 people and only have 3 spots open.  They did tell me that I would know if I got in or not in about 2 weeks.  I don't have a great feeling about it this time around.  The interview was okay but when I told them that I wanted to do ultrasounds they asked why I didn't just find a school that just had an ultrasound program.  Later in the interview they asked what I would do if I couldn't get a job locall after I was done with school.  My answer to the first question was that my husband's job is here, my family is here and our home is here.  My answer to my second question was that if my husband was relocated I could find a job whereever he went.  They kind of contradicted each other and when I got home I realized how dumb I must have sounded.  What I meant to say was that it's one thing to relocate for school but I would never ask my husband to do that.  But I know that eventually Skeet wants to move up and to do so we may have to move.  That would be a perfect opportunity for us to find a place where we could both get a job.  I am not quite ready to leave yet and would love to get my schooling done first.  I wish I could have communicated that better in my interview. 

As far as our fertility struggle goes.. I thought I had ovulated, but I didn't.  I had the pain, a positive ovulation predictor test, and all the other signs of ovulation.  However, when I had my progesterone level tested, it showed that I had not ovulated.  I am hoping that Dr. S will call me in a prescription and I can get AF induced right away.  We will move up to 100 mg of Chlomid and see how that works.  If it doesn't work I think we will be taking a break from trying to conceive for a while.  Especially if I do end up getting into the program.  I am really bummed.  I wanted so badly for this to work for us but I guess it's just not going to ever go like I hope it will.  Can I say it again?  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

I have been bugging Skeet about taking me on vacation for months now.  I wanted to go on a cruise but when it came down to it we just weren't in a place financially to do a cruise.  So... last weekend we spent 3 nights in Vegas with our friends the Buhlers.  We had a blast! I didn't want to come home and I am usually sick of Vegas after a day.  We spent some time by the pool, ate tons of good food, got in a Cirque De Soliel show, and got to get in a little site seeing.  We stayed at the new Planet Hollywood Towers and our rooms were so nice.  Skeet and I spent the first night at the Trump (it's a long story) and that room was very nice as well, the hotel was just a little too far out of the way for us though.  I took tons of pictures but unfortunately, I still haven't figured out my camera and hardly any of them turned out.  I am hoping that Carrie got some good ones that she will share with us.  Thanks Buhlers for making our vacation a blast!! We love you!

Some fun pics of us at the pool and checking out the City Center and the Fountains at Bellagio.

The flower garden at the Bellagio.  We saw Brad Garrett of "Everybody Loves Raymond"   It was pretty cool!  The flowers were beautiful too.  I wish my yard looked like that!

I never did mention (had planned on doing an entire post on but never got around to it) that I had to put my sweet kitty Sassy down last month. One day I was leaving for work and noticed that she was acting funny, then I saw her have a seizure. She kept having them over and over. I took her in to the vet and he told me that they might be able to stop them but she wasn't going to get better. Her liver and her kidneys were both failing. So I made the tough decision and told him to put her out of her misery. It was awful. I watched as they held her down and gave her the shot that made her take her last breath. It was peaceful but kind of traumatic at the same time. The first week was really hard for me. I mean she was my kitty for about 15 years. I still have a hard time when I close the garage at night because for a second I will think that I need to feed her or make sure she is in before the garage door comes down, but then I remember she's not there anymore.

Bummed out

I had my ultrasound this morning to see if my ovaries are responding to the chlomid.  The only thing Dr. S saw was one 9 mm follicle on my left side (the side without a tube).  That is pretty small since they have to be around 20mm or more.  I am supposed to go back on Saturday to get it checked again but unless we can work something out payment wise I probably won't be going in.  I am still in the global period of my surgery (90 days) and was told that my insurance would not cover anything with Dr. S outside complications due to surgery.  So each ultrasound would cost $225 out of pocket.  I don't think it would be worth $225 to go in and have him tell me that the follicle didn't grow and we will have to move on to the next cycle.  If the follicle doesn't mature enough we will make AF start and try upping the dose of chlomid.  The only reason I am agreeing to do the chlomid again and at a higher dose, is because they called in 15 pills and it cost me $140.  I only used 5 of those pills for this cycle so I have those little pills (that might as well be made of gold) sitting at home.  I want to use them so they don't go to waste and will need to do so before fire season gets underway.  So the sooner we can start another cycle the better.  I called Dr. S's office about an hour after making my follow up appointment, to have them ask him if it is really necessary.  I am just waiting to hear back. 

How about some good news??  I got a call last week and have been asked to interview for a position in the Radiology Tech program.  My interview is next Friday.  I did get an interview last year as well but I have improved so much in the last year and am really hoping that this is it.  So at least I have that... right?

Side Effects

So far the chlomid is making me tired, dizzy, tired, ornery, tired, moody, tired and bloated... oh and tired.  If I can fit it in this week I am going to try meditating a little bit.  I want to focus on my ovaries and will them to work right for once!!  I know it sounds silly but I will try anything right about now! 

I tried to take a pic of Callie to post but my camera's battery was dead... maybe tonight!

Underway!!

AF arrived Friday and I took my first chlomid pill yesterday!!  Next Tuesday I will have an ultrasound to see how things are going.  I am excited to have finally started something!! 

We got Callie shaved for the summer and I really want to post before and after pictures.  She looks so funny when she is first shaved!!  

Not Going To Be Easy

Well it has been about 3 weeks since my last infertilty update and I am afraid I don't have much to post.  I was sure that AF was on her way the last time I posted but she is playing games with me.  I did see Dr. Sanders for an ultrasound and he gave me some prometrium (a form of progesterone) to take for 7 days to give AF a kick in the right direction but it has been a week since my last pill and I still haven't seen her.  He said that from the looks of my lining I should have a pretty heavy flow.  I have had some very light spotting but other than that I have just been trying to not get too aggrivated about it all.  I have heard that it can take 7-10 days after the last pill for AF to finally show so I am hoping that things will be underway in the next couple of days.  The plan is, once she arrives, to take 50 mg of chlomid on cycle days 3-8, while continuing to take the metformin.  I have also started acupuncture and although I have my doubts I want to give it a fair shot.  It was very relaxing the first time and she said that if I have been charting, I should notice a difference.  Unfortunately, I haven't been charting up until now so I don't have anything to compare it to other than if I start ovulating but that could also be because of the chlomid.  I will probably go once a week for a month or two and see how I feel.  If I feel that it's a waste of money I will stop going.  Fortunately, she charges on a sliding scale so you pay what you can afford with a minimum of $15 and a maximum of $40.  With those prices I think it's worth a shot! 
Fire season is just a few weeks away and Skeet seems to think it will probably be a busy one.  This is good but bad at the same time.  If there is a good chance he won't be around then I don't want to spend the money on the chlomid and ultrasounds and chance that he won't be in town on the day of ovulation.  So I think if we can get AF to cooperate I will do chlomid for the next two months and then put TTC (trying to concieve) on hold until things slow down.  I am also debating whether or not we will continue to do any fertilty drugs/treatments while I am doing school.  I should find out in the next couple of weeks whether or not I will be interviewing for the Rad Tech program.  If I get in, life will be pretty stressful for a few years and I don't know if I want to add the stress of TTC to that.  Having a baby is very important to me but if I am not going to be able to have one I would like to have a good career.  Obviously, if we don't ever get pregnant I won't do OB ultrasounds but I will go a different direction and maybe do MRIs or Cardiac ultrasounds.  It's a lot to think about and I still don't have it figured all out, but I think that things might just work out the way they are supposed to. 
That's all I have time for now... hopefully in the next couple of days I can post that things are underway... keeping my fingers crossed!!