Disappointments

Well I guess it's time I posted again.  The last week or so has been crappy.  I guess I should start by saying that I did not get into the Radiology Tech program again this year.  Last year I was an alternate.  This year I got a form letter that looked like it was just slapped together that said the competition was tough and I just didn't cut it (well not in those words but it felt that way).  No alternate position this year.  I have an appointment scheduled next week to go over my file and find out what I scored badly in so if I do decide to try yet again, I will know where I need to improve.  I am really trying to stay positive.  Don't get me wrong... the day I got the letter I made Skeet take me to Lefty's for some - very necessary- margaritas.  After I got a couple of those in me, I cried and bitched and then I decided to move on.  It's not like that is the worst thing I have faced in my 29 years.  I look at it now as an opportunity to pay off some more of our debt.  I am also making plans to replace the flooring in our kitchen and living area and do some serious work on our yard this summer.  Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant.  (Don't worry, I won't hold my breath for that one.) 

As much as I am tryng to stay positive and keep myself distracted, I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to achieve the things that I believe I am meant for.  I know I am not the one to decide that but it's not like I want to do these things for entirely selfish reasons.  It's only partially selfish.  I want to do ultrasounds because I want to make a difference.  I would love to work for a high risk doctor (and I hate to say this) like Dr. G.  I would be in contact with a lot of women who are struggling with something similar to what I went through with Avery and I might be able to help them have a better experience than I had.  I could assure them they are not alone and help them to enjoy the time they do have with their babies.  Give them ultrasounds and a chance to see their child because I know it is something you end up cherishing after your baby is gone.  I also want to be a mother.  To give this love I have to a child, to help that child grow into someone who wants to make a difference as well.  But for some reason... as much as I want to be a mother and as much as I want to help others in a painful situation, I am not being given the chance to do so.  It makes me feel so low and worthless.  Like I am not good enough to have those things or to be those things.  I know I am just having a pity party for myself so I'll shut up now.

Skeet's cousin (who I just adore) posted this link on her blog and like her, I can totally relate with the words that were written. So I thought I would steal her idea (sorry!) and post it as well. As I read through this blog post I felt as though I could have written those same words myself and wondered why I never had.  I hope that anyone that reads this post, will visit and read that blog post as well. 

AF showed today so that means on Friday I will start 100 mg of Clomid.  If you are reading this, please pray for Skeet.  I know how badly it affected me last time... I can't even imagine what doubling it will do.  So I will take the chlomid for 6 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see if it is doing anything.  I have one follistim injection at home and am wondering if I should use it if we don't see any good follicle growth.  Maybe we should turn this into an inject/IUI cycle since we won't be "actively trying" for a few months while Skeet is busy with fire season.  I can't decide.  Plus, I don't know how Skeet would feel about it.  I just can't believe it has been a year this month since our last FET.  Time has flown by and I don't want to have Avery's third birthday come and go and not be pregnant yet.  I can't believe I have been doing this for over 5 years.  It's really depressing to think about.