I don't know if anyone visits this blog anymore. I know I haven't posted anything worth reading in a while. Actually, I haven't posted ANYTHING for a while. I am going to take this opportunity to make my excuses!! School kept me incredibly busy this summer but I am proud to announce that I got through it okay and ended up with two "A"s and an "A-". I had hoped to be able to take Fall Semester off and just focus on something else but no such luck. I have to take a Communications class, which won't be too bad, but the thought of doing more homework makes me want to scream!
Another reason I have been neglecting my blog is mainly because I have been trying to avoid blogs in general. A lot of what I was reading everyday was really depressing me. No offense to any of you. I normally love reading your blogs but I have been in a funk lately and reading about everyone else's happy news just made me sad. I know, I am pathetic. I think I need to start back on my anti-depressants, actually I KNOW I need to start on them again. I just hate the idea of relying on drugs to feel like a normal person. It's something I need to just get over, but I really hate dealing with the side effects, and honestly I think Skeet does too!
You can probably guess that nothing has been happening on the baby front. I thought, for a minute there, that I might be ready to start looking into adoption. It is something I have always wanted to do but never realized how much work it is. I began doing Internet searches for ideas for profiles and what not and every time I began reading into it I would have an anxiety attack. I don't think the idea of adopting is the problem, I think the process is what freaks me out. It might have something to do with the fact that I have a fear of being judged. I have a hard time thinking of reasons why Skeet and I would deserve a baby more than someone else. How do you put yourself out there so completely to strangers when there is something as precious as a baby involved. Then there is the fear that we would finally be chosen by a birth mother only to have her change her mind at the last minute, or even months after having the baby in our home. I think I have a lot of fears to work through before I will be able to begin the process, but I have no idea where to start!
Because of all this, I have decided to take a little break. From blogging and from Facebook. If something blog-worthy happens I may jump on to share but I think I need to try to work through my issues without finding out that every person I know is pregnant or has adopted. It is not that I am not happy for each of you. I really am and wish you all the happiness in the world. I am just ready to be happy for me too. Maybe it's selfish but it is something I need right now. Thank you all for your friendship and support! I hope that you will forgive me if I have offended! I love you!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Where Did Summer Go?
I know it's been a while since I have update, AGAIN! I have a hard enough time keeping up with all the blogs I read, let alone writing a couple of new posts myself. Things have been crazy with school. I feel like all I do anymore is homework. It gets pretty frustrating sometimes, knowing that I could be out in the yard pulling weeds, or spending some much needed time on the mountain. (Callie & I both need the exercise). I can't believe that in a few short weeks, Fall semester will be starting and work will get crazy busy again.
So as far as updates go, there's not much to tell. I did run a 5K (my first race ever!) with my beautiful and inspiring friend Carrie. We did really good considering that it was our first race and we were both frozen (Carrie more so than I) by the time the race started. We finished the race in 27.41 minutes. I am so proud of us. She keeps saying that next year we will do the 10K but I haven't ran since the race so I'm not sure I will be up for a 10K by then. No really, I do hope that in a years time I will have improved enough to do a 10K.
In other news, I did end up ovulating this cycle. I thought I had ovulated around CD16 but my temps told me otherwise. Then around CD29 I had a huge spike in temperature and it has stayed up since. Unfortunately it looks as though AF is on her way. I wasn't really expecting much from this cycle, really I wasn't. However, it has been really hard on me. I don't know why. I keep thinking about how great it would be if Skeet and I were to have a baby. I keep wondering what our next baby would look like and what kind of a personality it would have. I wonder what we would name him/her and how our families would react. All of these thought are torture, complete torture. But I can't help it. These thoughts come out of nowhere and consume me. I still miss Avery every day and wonder what our lives would be like now, if she were still with us. The problem is, I don't want to think about these things. I want to be able to just move on. To say that it just must not be in the cards for us and to go forward. I want to be okay with it, but the more I try, the less likely it seems that it will ever happen. I don't think the Human Development class I am taking is helping either. I will read about issues that people deal with at every stage of life and it just reminds me of what we are missing out on. Yea it might suck to have a rebellious teenager or a child with a learning disability, but I feel cheated cause I may never get the chance to find out. I know that probably sounds messed up... I am kind of messed up these days.
Oh and one more thing, I had decided to go to the cemetery to visit Miss Avery the other day and I walk up to find her headstone twisted at an angle that it was not supposed to be in. It looked like someone had hit it with a lawnmower or something. The cement that was holding it to its base was broken all around it. Without thinking, I grabbed it and twisted it back, said goodbye to her and stalked off very angrily. As I was driving home I kicked myself for not getting a picture before I moved it back, or even just leaving it be for evidence. I have a call in to the cemetery but they haven't called me back. I really hope they offer to fix it because if they don't, they will be getting a very nasty, very mean phone call or visit from Skeet. He can be scary when he wants to be. I wouldn't want to be at the other end of that. I think he should do a personal visit... he's much more intimidating that way. Either way, I hope we can get it fixed soon... it makes me sad to think that it's not perfect for her.
So as far as updates go, there's not much to tell. I did run a 5K (my first race ever!) with my beautiful and inspiring friend Carrie. We did really good considering that it was our first race and we were both frozen (Carrie more so than I) by the time the race started. We finished the race in 27.41 minutes. I am so proud of us. She keeps saying that next year we will do the 10K but I haven't ran since the race so I'm not sure I will be up for a 10K by then. No really, I do hope that in a years time I will have improved enough to do a 10K.
In other news, I did end up ovulating this cycle. I thought I had ovulated around CD16 but my temps told me otherwise. Then around CD29 I had a huge spike in temperature and it has stayed up since. Unfortunately it looks as though AF is on her way. I wasn't really expecting much from this cycle, really I wasn't. However, it has been really hard on me. I don't know why. I keep thinking about how great it would be if Skeet and I were to have a baby. I keep wondering what our next baby would look like and what kind of a personality it would have. I wonder what we would name him/her and how our families would react. All of these thought are torture, complete torture. But I can't help it. These thoughts come out of nowhere and consume me. I still miss Avery every day and wonder what our lives would be like now, if she were still with us. The problem is, I don't want to think about these things. I want to be able to just move on. To say that it just must not be in the cards for us and to go forward. I want to be okay with it, but the more I try, the less likely it seems that it will ever happen. I don't think the Human Development class I am taking is helping either. I will read about issues that people deal with at every stage of life and it just reminds me of what we are missing out on. Yea it might suck to have a rebellious teenager or a child with a learning disability, but I feel cheated cause I may never get the chance to find out. I know that probably sounds messed up... I am kind of messed up these days.
Oh and one more thing, I had decided to go to the cemetery to visit Miss Avery the other day and I walk up to find her headstone twisted at an angle that it was not supposed to be in. It looked like someone had hit it with a lawnmower or something. The cement that was holding it to its base was broken all around it. Without thinking, I grabbed it and twisted it back, said goodbye to her and stalked off very angrily. As I was driving home I kicked myself for not getting a picture before I moved it back, or even just leaving it be for evidence. I have a call in to the cemetery but they haven't called me back. I really hope they offer to fix it because if they don't, they will be getting a very nasty, very mean phone call or visit from Skeet. He can be scary when he wants to be. I wouldn't want to be at the other end of that. I think he should do a personal visit... he's much more intimidating that way. Either way, I hope we can get it fixed soon... it makes me sad to think that it's not perfect for her.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Not Much
I know I haven't posted in a while, not much has been going on with us. Skeet spent 2 weeks in St. George to finish off his Master's class he started last fall. I have been busy with school, work and volunteering in the Radiology Dept. at the hospital. I am sure most everyone has figured out by now that our last cycle didn't result in a pregnancy. I was going to take a nice long break from TTC because of Skeet's unpredictable work schedule during fire season, but I did know where he was going to be around ovulation in June so I decided to go for it again. I didn't do acupuncture this time though and I am wondering if that made a difference because I am 98% sure that I didn't ovulate this cycle. I did get positive OPKs and felt all the right twinges around the time that ovulation was supposed to happen, but my temps didn't go up so I don't think ovulation actually happened. I am now waiting for Aunt Flow to show but if I didn't ovulate, she isn't likely to show. I will not be doing clomid for a couple of months and that is only if I do decide to go that route again. I need to meet with Dr. S again and find out what he thinks I should do. I just wish that someone could tell me one way or the other, yes it is possible that you can get pregnant this way or no, it will definitely not work. It would be so much easier if I just knew.
So anyway, other than that we are just praying for some fires (not anything big, just enough to get some overtime and hazard pay) and I keep hoping the summer will slow down a bit so I can enjoy it. That's not likely to happen though.
So anyway, other than that we are just praying for some fires (not anything big, just enough to get some overtime and hazard pay) and I keep hoping the summer will slow down a bit so I can enjoy it. That's not likely to happen though.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I HATE Mean and Ignorant People!!!
So I found this comment when I logged on to my blog this morning. At first I was mad and hurt but then I just felt sorry for this person. How cruel and stupid does a person have to be to go around looking for blogs to leave incredibly rude and opinionated comments on. This person (I only know as Beee, too much of a coward to leave their name) really just seems pathetic and sad. How closed minded can one person be?
"OK, I have read enough and wanted to say that not only do you seem so incredibly fake, but delusional as well. You think that baby was a gift to you? Are you nuts? Whether you care to face it or not, that baby suffered prenatally because of YOUR selfishness to force the issue of bearing a child. You messed with Mother Nature and needlessly bore a child whose fate was predetermined through physiological and medical complications. I just don't get people like you who know in advance that you are unlikely candidates to become natural parents and then attempt to have fertility doctors wave a magic wand. Get real. There is nothing heavenly about this, but undoubtedly you will continue to spread your BS about a blessing from god. You should have pursued adoption INSTEAD...from the beginning.
I know you won't post this, but at least you'll read it, sickos!!"
All I can say is that I KNOW Avery was a gift and her condition had NOTHING to do with how she was conceived. Infertility is a disease and those of us that suffer from it have every right to use modern medicine to try to correct it. Just like those who are born with or develop other diseases have a right to use whatever means necessary to correct it. No, my condition is not life threatening and I am not comparing it to that in any way. As a woman I believe I have a right to try to carry a child of my own. Just like the heroine addict who gets knocked up every year or so and brings children into this world who are negatively affected by her drug use. I don't want to get too much into this... I just thought that my friends out there would get a kick out of this comment. I do however want to state again, that I am 100% for adoption and if it weren't so incredibly expensive and such an emotionally, mentally and financially draining process (even more so than IVF in my opinion), I would have done that right away. It makes me sad to think that there are so many children out there in need of homes and the process and the cost keep loving, deserving people from helping them. I hope I do get the opportunity to adopt someday.
And to Beee... whoever you are... I didn't ask you to visit my blog. Nor did I ask you to read my blog OR agree with my decisions. Keep your opinions to yourself. Like we have all heard time and time again "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I stand by my decision to do IVF and I know my daughter will be mine forever...that is all that matters!
"OK, I have read enough and wanted to say that not only do you seem so incredibly fake, but delusional as well. You think that baby was a gift to you? Are you nuts? Whether you care to face it or not, that baby suffered prenatally because of YOUR selfishness to force the issue of bearing a child. You messed with Mother Nature and needlessly bore a child whose fate was predetermined through physiological and medical complications. I just don't get people like you who know in advance that you are unlikely candidates to become natural parents and then attempt to have fertility doctors wave a magic wand. Get real. There is nothing heavenly about this, but undoubtedly you will continue to spread your BS about a blessing from god. You should have pursued adoption INSTEAD...from the beginning.
I know you won't post this, but at least you'll read it, sickos!!"
All I can say is that I KNOW Avery was a gift and her condition had NOTHING to do with how she was conceived. Infertility is a disease and those of us that suffer from it have every right to use modern medicine to try to correct it. Just like those who are born with or develop other diseases have a right to use whatever means necessary to correct it. No, my condition is not life threatening and I am not comparing it to that in any way. As a woman I believe I have a right to try to carry a child of my own. Just like the heroine addict who gets knocked up every year or so and brings children into this world who are negatively affected by her drug use. I don't want to get too much into this... I just thought that my friends out there would get a kick out of this comment. I do however want to state again, that I am 100% for adoption and if it weren't so incredibly expensive and such an emotionally, mentally and financially draining process (even more so than IVF in my opinion), I would have done that right away. It makes me sad to think that there are so many children out there in need of homes and the process and the cost keep loving, deserving people from helping them. I hope I do get the opportunity to adopt someday.
And to Beee... whoever you are... I didn't ask you to visit my blog. Nor did I ask you to read my blog OR agree with my decisions. Keep your opinions to yourself. Like we have all heard time and time again "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". I stand by my decision to do IVF and I know my daughter will be mine forever...that is all that matters!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Homework Assignment
I started my summer classes today and one of my first assignments was to write a letter to a future or existing child on the occasion of their eighteenth birthday. I had a hard time at first, wondering if it would be harder to write the letter to Avery or to a child we may never have. I decided to write the letter to my daughter. There were a few specific things that had to be included in the letter, like your dreams for your child, or what you believe makes a good parent. I did the best I could considering my letter would probably be much different than most of the letters my professor will have to read. Anyway, I wanted to share it here. I hope it's not too depressing.
Dear Avery,
I can’t believe it has been eighteen years since that bittersweet day when we said both hello and goodbye. I still remember that day like it was yesterday and if I close my eyes I can almost still feel your tiny little body in my arms. I still miss you so much it hurts.
It wasn’t an easy road for us when we decided we wanted to have a child. We both agreed that we had reached a point in our lives when we had too much love for just the two of us, and we needed someone else to share our love with. After two and a half years of failed attempts we finally decided that we would do whatever it took to have a child and decided to let Dr. D help us out. While pregnant with you I liked to picture the day that you would ask me where you came from. I was going to tell you that a very smart doctor took the best part of mommy and the best part of daddy and put them together in mommy’s tummy. I would have easily been able to tell you the truth without giving you the birds and the bees talk in its entirety at a young age.
Your daddy and I both grew up in loving families and were taught the importance of hard work and loving and forgiving your family no matter what. That is something that we had wanted to pass on to you any other children, had we been able to have more. We both knew the importance of an education, discipline and good, old-fashion family time. In the short 8 months we had with you we dreamed of all the things we would teach you and how amazing it would be to watch you grow.
I am sure we would have made our share of mistakes, maybe by sheltering you too much, or giving you too much freedom. Daddy was afraid he would have to threaten too many boys when they might tease you. I know we both would have been very protective of you but we would have taught you to be yourself and love yourself no matter how different you might look from the other children. You were one of a kind and we know that if you had been able to stay, you would have made a huge mark on this world. It wouldn’t have been an easy road but I believe that together we could have made it through anything.
You would have graduated from high school this year. It is so hard to picture but I know you would have done well and made your daddy and I very proud. We have always been proud to call you our daughter. I still mourn all of the things we have missed and will miss because you had to go too soon. I never got to teach you to read or write your name. We didn’t get to see you off to your first day of kindergarten. We never got to kiss your boo boos better or read you bedtime stories. I cry when I think of the special bond you would have had with your daddy or our mommy-daughter trips to the salon for pedicures (when you were old enough of course). I was never able to take you shopping for your first prom dress or listen to you tell me all about your first crush or first kiss. I will never see your daddy walk you down the isle and can only imagine the beautiful grandbabies you would have given us. There is so much that we have missed out on but we will forever cherish those few moments we had with you.
If there is one thing I have learned over the last eighteen years, it is that life isn’t always fair but our trials make us stronger and love can get you through anything. I know that you have been watching over us and that knowledge has made us stronger people and our love for each other and for you, stronger than we ever thought possible. Eighteen years from now we will still miss you and love you as much as the day we said goodbye. You have changed us forever Avery, and we are so thankful for that. Happy Birthday sweetie! I love you and miss you every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Until you are back in my arms….
Love Always,
Mom
Dear Avery,
I can’t believe it has been eighteen years since that bittersweet day when we said both hello and goodbye. I still remember that day like it was yesterday and if I close my eyes I can almost still feel your tiny little body in my arms. I still miss you so much it hurts.
It wasn’t an easy road for us when we decided we wanted to have a child. We both agreed that we had reached a point in our lives when we had too much love for just the two of us, and we needed someone else to share our love with. After two and a half years of failed attempts we finally decided that we would do whatever it took to have a child and decided to let Dr. D help us out. While pregnant with you I liked to picture the day that you would ask me where you came from. I was going to tell you that a very smart doctor took the best part of mommy and the best part of daddy and put them together in mommy’s tummy. I would have easily been able to tell you the truth without giving you the birds and the bees talk in its entirety at a young age.
Your daddy and I both grew up in loving families and were taught the importance of hard work and loving and forgiving your family no matter what. That is something that we had wanted to pass on to you any other children, had we been able to have more. We both knew the importance of an education, discipline and good, old-fashion family time. In the short 8 months we had with you we dreamed of all the things we would teach you and how amazing it would be to watch you grow.
I am sure we would have made our share of mistakes, maybe by sheltering you too much, or giving you too much freedom. Daddy was afraid he would have to threaten too many boys when they might tease you. I know we both would have been very protective of you but we would have taught you to be yourself and love yourself no matter how different you might look from the other children. You were one of a kind and we know that if you had been able to stay, you would have made a huge mark on this world. It wouldn’t have been an easy road but I believe that together we could have made it through anything.
You would have graduated from high school this year. It is so hard to picture but I know you would have done well and made your daddy and I very proud. We have always been proud to call you our daughter. I still mourn all of the things we have missed and will miss because you had to go too soon. I never got to teach you to read or write your name. We didn’t get to see you off to your first day of kindergarten. We never got to kiss your boo boos better or read you bedtime stories. I cry when I think of the special bond you would have had with your daddy or our mommy-daughter trips to the salon for pedicures (when you were old enough of course). I was never able to take you shopping for your first prom dress or listen to you tell me all about your first crush or first kiss. I will never see your daddy walk you down the isle and can only imagine the beautiful grandbabies you would have given us. There is so much that we have missed out on but we will forever cherish those few moments we had with you.
If there is one thing I have learned over the last eighteen years, it is that life isn’t always fair but our trials make us stronger and love can get you through anything. I know that you have been watching over us and that knowledge has made us stronger people and our love for each other and for you, stronger than we ever thought possible. Eighteen years from now we will still miss you and love you as much as the day we said goodbye. You have changed us forever Avery, and we are so thankful for that. Happy Birthday sweetie! I love you and miss you every day. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Until you are back in my arms….
Love Always,
Mom
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Houston we have Ovulation
I know... the title is totally corny but it has my last name.... (pronounce it however you'd like) and Ovulation, which is what I was announcing! I have officially ovulated without a trigger shot!! I have been tracking my temperatures every morning at 6 am (yea that sucks on the weekends) and I have had a very obvious rise in temperature which means my body is producing progesterone... which means I OVULATED!! Can you tell I am excited? I don't know if anything will come of this cycle but I am pretty stoked that my body is doing what it is supposed to for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for good news. I probably won't know anything for a couple of weeks... which falls right around my birthday. So I am either going to have a totally fabulous birthday (please, please plllleeeeaaaaassse) or a kind of crappy one. I am trying not to stress about it all but I can't help it.... the days are passing so slowly and it seems to be all I can think about. I guess I need to find something to distract me... hmmm.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It Worked!!!
My ultrasound this morning brought some good news! Finally! The clomid worked! I had a 26mm follicle on my left side! Now we just have to see if I actually ovulate! I can't believe that it worked. We took clomid for a year and a half when we first started trying for a baby with no response what-so-ever and now, after everything else we've tried, the clomid works! I just hope that it results in a healthy baby! Maybe it's wishful thinking but things could be looking up. The surgery, while it didn't make my cycles regular, helped my body respond to the clomid the way it's supposed to. I will take that as success and now believe that the surgery was 100% worth it. Will be even more so if in 9 months I am holding a healthy baby. I know I should get too ahead of myself but it feels nice to have even a little bit of hope again!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Survived!
Well Skeet and I both survived 6 days of 100mg of clomid. I go in next Tuesday for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing. I am trying to stay positive and think good thoughts but I don't want to be disappointed. I have a bad habit of expecting the worst so that maybe I can save myself some of the pain of disappointment. I can't help it. We don't have a good track record and I have been let down way too many times.
It's been a rough week. I have been dealing with the side effects of this evil drug (I won't think it's evil if it gives me a baby though... I promise I will be singing its praises) as well as suffering through Mother's Day. I have gotten good at hiding my feelings at the family gatherings but it is actually pretty painful to even be there on days like Mother's Day and Father's Day. (I know it doesn't affect Skeet like it does me, so I fret about it enough for the both of us.) Also, with Memorial Day coming up, I just find myself thinking about and missing Miss Avery more than usual. It has also been a year since our last FET and I am reliving some anger issues that I was feeling around this time last year. I guess you could say I am in a funk and I don't really know how to get out of it. For a second on Sunday morning (maybe only a half a second) I thought about going to church, thinking if I got back there I might feel not-so hopeless. Then I remembered what day it was and knew that sitting through a Mother's Day service would probably not help my situation.
I hope to be back on Tuesday with some good news!!
It's been a rough week. I have been dealing with the side effects of this evil drug (I won't think it's evil if it gives me a baby though... I promise I will be singing its praises) as well as suffering through Mother's Day. I have gotten good at hiding my feelings at the family gatherings but it is actually pretty painful to even be there on days like Mother's Day and Father's Day. (I know it doesn't affect Skeet like it does me, so I fret about it enough for the both of us.) Also, with Memorial Day coming up, I just find myself thinking about and missing Miss Avery more than usual. It has also been a year since our last FET and I am reliving some anger issues that I was feeling around this time last year. I guess you could say I am in a funk and I don't really know how to get out of it. For a second on Sunday morning (maybe only a half a second) I thought about going to church, thinking if I got back there I might feel not-so hopeless. Then I remembered what day it was and knew that sitting through a Mother's Day service would probably not help my situation.
I hope to be back on Tuesday with some good news!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day
Hi Avery,
It's Mother's Day again and I can't believe this is the third Mother's Day since you left us. I remember, so clearly, that first Mother's Day I celebrated while you were still with us, before we knew that you would leave us too soon. I had so many hopes for you and looked forward to the next year when I would celebrate Mother's Day alongside all of the other mothers and would be showing you off to the world. I think Mother's Day is as hard for me to get through as your birthday is but for different reasons. I know I will always be your mom and that does give me comfort. However, every year I get to watch all of the other moms with their beautiful children and I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here wishing me a Happy Mother's Day too. It breaks my heart. I miss you so much. I still grieve over all that we missed out on because we had to say goodbye. You are so very special to me sweetie, I will never forget you and I will do my best to make sure that others know who you are and that I am your mom and forever will be.
It's a bittersweet feeling to have someone wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I am glad that they acknowledge that even though you aren't here I am still a mom, but it reminds me that you aren't here and how much I miss you. Your daddy was so sweet and gave me a card and a gift. It means so much to me that he thinks of you and does special things to remind me of that. We are so lucky to have him. I hope you know that I love you with all of my heart and I still miss you and think of you every day.
Love,
Mommy
It's Mother's Day again and I can't believe this is the third Mother's Day since you left us. I remember, so clearly, that first Mother's Day I celebrated while you were still with us, before we knew that you would leave us too soon. I had so many hopes for you and looked forward to the next year when I would celebrate Mother's Day alongside all of the other mothers and would be showing you off to the world. I think Mother's Day is as hard for me to get through as your birthday is but for different reasons. I know I will always be your mom and that does give me comfort. However, every year I get to watch all of the other moms with their beautiful children and I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here wishing me a Happy Mother's Day too. It breaks my heart. I miss you so much. I still grieve over all that we missed out on because we had to say goodbye. You are so very special to me sweetie, I will never forget you and I will do my best to make sure that others know who you are and that I am your mom and forever will be.
It's a bittersweet feeling to have someone wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I am glad that they acknowledge that even though you aren't here I am still a mom, but it reminds me that you aren't here and how much I miss you. Your daddy was so sweet and gave me a card and a gift. It means so much to me that he thinks of you and does special things to remind me of that. We are so lucky to have him. I hope you know that I love you with all of my heart and I still miss you and think of you every day.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Disappointments
Well I guess it's time I posted again. The last week or so has been crappy. I guess I should start by saying that I did not get into the Radiology Tech program again this year. Last year I was an alternate. This year I got a form letter that looked like it was just slapped together that said the competition was tough and I just didn't cut it (well not in those words but it felt that way). No alternate position this year. I have an appointment scheduled next week to go over my file and find out what I scored badly in so if I do decide to try yet again, I will know where I need to improve. I am really trying to stay positive. Don't get me wrong... the day I got the letter I made Skeet take me to Lefty's for some - very necessary- margaritas. After I got a couple of those in me, I cried and bitched and then I decided to move on. It's not like that is the worst thing I have faced in my 29 years. I look at it now as an opportunity to pay off some more of our debt. I am also making plans to replace the flooring in our kitchen and living area and do some serious work on our yard this summer. Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant. (Don't worry, I won't hold my breath for that one.)
As much as I am tryng to stay positive and keep myself distracted, I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to achieve the things that I believe I am meant for. I know I am not the one to decide that but it's not like I want to do these things for entirely selfish reasons. It's only partially selfish. I want to do ultrasounds because I want to make a difference. I would love to work for a high risk doctor (and I hate to say this) like Dr. G. I would be in contact with a lot of women who are struggling with something similar to what I went through with Avery and I might be able to help them have a better experience than I had. I could assure them they are not alone and help them to enjoy the time they do have with their babies. Give them ultrasounds and a chance to see their child because I know it is something you end up cherishing after your baby is gone. I also want to be a mother. To give this love I have to a child, to help that child grow into someone who wants to make a difference as well. But for some reason... as much as I want to be a mother and as much as I want to help others in a painful situation, I am not being given the chance to do so. It makes me feel so low and worthless. Like I am not good enough to have those things or to be those things. I know I am just having a pity party for myself so I'll shut up now.
Skeet's cousin (who I just adore) posted this link on her blog and like her, I can totally relate with the words that were written. So I thought I would steal her idea (sorry!) and post it as well. As I read through this blog post I felt as though I could have written those same words myself and wondered why I never had. I hope that anyone that reads this post, will visit and read that blog post as well.
AF showed today so that means on Friday I will start 100 mg of Clomid. If you are reading this, please pray for Skeet. I know how badly it affected me last time... I can't even imagine what doubling it will do. So I will take the chlomid for 6 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see if it is doing anything. I have one follistim injection at home and am wondering if I should use it if we don't see any good follicle growth. Maybe we should turn this into an inject/IUI cycle since we won't be "actively trying" for a few months while Skeet is busy with fire season. I can't decide. Plus, I don't know how Skeet would feel about it. I just can't believe it has been a year this month since our last FET. Time has flown by and I don't want to have Avery's third birthday come and go and not be pregnant yet. I can't believe I have been doing this for over 5 years. It's really depressing to think about.
As much as I am tryng to stay positive and keep myself distracted, I can't help but wonder why I can't seem to achieve the things that I believe I am meant for. I know I am not the one to decide that but it's not like I want to do these things for entirely selfish reasons. It's only partially selfish. I want to do ultrasounds because I want to make a difference. I would love to work for a high risk doctor (and I hate to say this) like Dr. G. I would be in contact with a lot of women who are struggling with something similar to what I went through with Avery and I might be able to help them have a better experience than I had. I could assure them they are not alone and help them to enjoy the time they do have with their babies. Give them ultrasounds and a chance to see their child because I know it is something you end up cherishing after your baby is gone. I also want to be a mother. To give this love I have to a child, to help that child grow into someone who wants to make a difference as well. But for some reason... as much as I want to be a mother and as much as I want to help others in a painful situation, I am not being given the chance to do so. It makes me feel so low and worthless. Like I am not good enough to have those things or to be those things. I know I am just having a pity party for myself so I'll shut up now.
Skeet's cousin (who I just adore) posted this link on her blog and like her, I can totally relate with the words that were written. So I thought I would steal her idea (sorry!) and post it as well. As I read through this blog post I felt as though I could have written those same words myself and wondered why I never had. I hope that anyone that reads this post, will visit and read that blog post as well.
AF showed today so that means on Friday I will start 100 mg of Clomid. If you are reading this, please pray for Skeet. I know how badly it affected me last time... I can't even imagine what doubling it will do. So I will take the chlomid for 6 days and then go in for an ultrasound to see if it is doing anything. I have one follistim injection at home and am wondering if I should use it if we don't see any good follicle growth. Maybe we should turn this into an inject/IUI cycle since we won't be "actively trying" for a few months while Skeet is busy with fire season. I can't decide. Plus, I don't know how Skeet would feel about it. I just can't believe it has been a year this month since our last FET. Time has flown by and I don't want to have Avery's third birthday come and go and not be pregnant yet. I can't believe I have been doing this for over 5 years. It's really depressing to think about.
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