Christmas with Jesus

I can't believe this is our fourth Christmas since Avery was born.  The fourth year that there won't be presents for her under the tree.  The fourth year her stocking will hang empty Christmas morning.  And the fourth year that I will look around while the family is gathered and think about who is  missing and how different our lives would be if our sweet little girl were there, running around with her cousins.
I remember that first Christmas.  I didn't want to celebrate, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until it was all over.  I didn't decorate and I had a bad attitude.  We should have been spending Christmas with our brand new baby, who if she had come on her due date, would have only been 3 weeks old.  Then I got this poem from a group of ladies who had all lost children.  It reminded me that my sweet little girl was being taken good care of and most importantly, it reminded me of the reason for the season, our Savior, Jesus Christ and that His life has made it possible for me to see my daughter again.  That reminder didn't make the incredible pain I was feeling go away but it did give me a little peace that holiday season.  Every year since I have taken out that sheet of paper and put it up on my fridge so whenever I start missing my little girl I can read it again and remember why we celebrate Christmas and how lucky I am that I have a perfect angel waiting for me in Heaven. 
A few years back a very special friend of mine, who is the mommy of a beautiful angel too, had the idea that we should do trees for our angels.  She bought the trees and together we made beautiful feather ornaments.  This year we put that tree up in Sawyer's room.  He loves it!  It is hard to get him to focus on anything else when we are near the tree because he just wants to touch it and stare at it.  I am so glad we have that tree and that Sawyer is able to enjoy it this year. 
Another thing I finally did this year (I have been meaning to do it for the last 3 years) is I participated in an angel tree.  I have been wanting to buy a gift for a girl who is the same age as Avery would be every year.  This year they had an angel tree at State Bank, where my mom works, so I went out and bought a gift and some clothes for a 4 year old and my mom took them in for me.  I hope that some little girl in this city has a better Christmas because of that gift. 

I still think about Avery every day.  When I am playing with her little brother I think of her and wonder who she would look like and if she'd like dancing, singing and dolls like I did at that age.  I still feel cheated.  I feel such joy when I see Sawyer smile, hear his laugh, or pretty much when I just look at him and I feel like I should be experiencing all of it for the second time, not the first.  I feel so lucky to have Sawyer but I also feel like I have missed out on so much with my little girl.  I really do hope that she is happy and watching over us.  Most of all, I hope she knows how much I love her. 

Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ This Year

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But earthly music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it's beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
Trust God and have no fear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

May God uplift your spirit
As I tell Him of your love
Then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirits sing
For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven
And I'm walking with the king!

Author: Wanda Bencke. (1998)

Merry Christmas Baby Girl.  I love you and miss you so much!