Ponderings...

Even though we didn't get to actually see my cervix yesterday, Dr. S is confident that everything is going well.  He said it is still high and closed and although it's a little soft, he's not concerned.  He even said that if I feel okay about going two weeks between our next appointment he would be comfortable with that.  I have my appointments scheduled until the end of March anyway so I told him that if the weekend goes okay, without any problems, then I will cancel my appointment next week.  I mean, if I start having contractions or pains I know that all I have to do is call and they would get me in and check me.  So we'll see how things go.  Sawyer is growing well and Dr. S said he is very excited to meet Sawyer.  Although, we both agree that Sawyer is still a little doughy and needs to bake a little bit longer!  I can't believe that we only have 13 weeks left!  I am really going to miss being pregnant but I know I am going to LOVE cuddling my little buddy even more! 

Speaking of pregnancy.. (isn't that what this blog has been about the past few months?) I feel like I need to get some things off my chest (well there are two things that are not going anywhere, but I digress).  Looking back on the past few years, before and especially after Avery, I have recently come to the realization that I haven't been a very good friend.  So many of my amazing friends have welcome new little girls and boys into their families over the last few years and I feel that I haven't given them enough support or encouragement through it all.  I know that every time I would find out a friend was pregnant my heart would drop and it would feel like someone was punching me in the gut.  Now I know that anyone out there who has dealt with infertility or a loss, or especially both, knows exactly what I am talking about.  I know it's not just me who dreaded getting the good news from anyone I was friends with or even acquainted with.  But it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them.  I truly was.  It is just so hard to see everyone around you handed what you long for every second of every day.  It's really hard to explain and I am afraid that unless you've been there, you'll probably never understand.  Anyway... I would be happy for my friends from a distance because I was so scared that if I was around them and witnessing this amazing blessing that I was missing out on, my skin, nails, hair, pretty much everything, would turn green with envy and I would just fall apart.  Or that the happiness I felt for them would disappear and jealousy and anger would take it's place.  I was usually wrong, when I did happen to run into my beautifully, pregnant friend, instead of falling apart I would find that the happiness I felt for them was real and even though I felt incredibly sad at the same time, I wanted this blessing for them.  However, I never wanted to chance it because I never felt strong enough. 

So I know there are a lot of people out there that I may have offended or hurt with my behavior, and to you all, I am so very sorry from the bottom of my heart.  I never meant to hurt anyone. I do admit that I was mostly trying to protect myself and I realize how selfish that was.  Even now, I still have a hard time with it.  I think a lot of that has to do with that fact that although I am getting huge, and feeling Sawyer move every day; I still feel like this pregnancy isn't really happening and that any day it could all be taken away from me.  So I am happy to be pregnant, of course I am.  But I am also still very cautious about what I let myself feel or believe, and I am still very jealous of those beautiful, amazing, pregnant friends of mine who don't have the same fears that I do. 

I want you to know that I don't expect ANYONE to be happy for me.  I know that I don't deserve it, especially from a few of my friends out there.  I don't feel like I deserve this happiness  that I feel.  I feel guilty to be the one that is pregnant now, when there are so many out there who are still praying for their miracles.  I pray for you all the time and ask our Heavenly Father to allow you the same miraculous blessing that I was given.  My heart aches for those who have hearts aching for little bodies to hold and love. 

Well my chest doesn't feel any lighter (how could it with what ever DDD+DDD adds up to?) but I do feel better to have gotten that out.  I know it doesn't change anything but it's been eating away at me for months now. 

Until next week...