Seriously?

I don't understand it. Why, when it comes to us trying to have a family, does nothing go right?? I have been so very excited about this procedure that I found. I have been feeling hopeful again for the first time in a long time and then today.... it's like someone punched me in the gut and took all the happiness and hope I had built up, away from me.

This morning at my shift at the hospital I saw Dr. S's truck and knew he was probably inside delivering a baby. So I watched for him and when he was leaving I chased him down to try to get an update. From the look on my face he could tell that his nurse hadn't called me yet. He went on to inform me that my insurance is not going to cover the procedure. It is so frustrating. I asked him how much it would cost if we paid for it and he said that it's not his charges I need to worry about, but the hospital and OR charges. Not to mention the anesthesia. He is going to have someone find out the cost, but who am I kidding? We can't afford to pay for a surgery out of pocket.

I had begun to let myself believe that there might be an answer out there for us. That we might actually be able to have a baby of our own but without this surgery, and the money to do IVF again, it just doesn't seem possible. I am so sad today... I feel like after taking two steps forward, I have taken ten steps back. I don't know what to do or how to feel now. I had hoped that Christmas might be bearable this year but it's not looking good. Skeet's grandma passed away yesterday, and even though we know she is much happier now, we are still so sad to not have her with us anymore. At least I know that Avery has her great-grandma with her now and grandma Houston is reunited with her husband.

Is there such thing as a break? Am I ever going to get one? **Sigh**