Why?

I guess I have been slacking a little bit lately and I apologize. I have been sick and really not sure what it is that I am fighting. I will start feeling better one day and then the next day feel even worse than before. I am finally going to see a doctor today about it but I'm afraid he's not going to be able to help me. Right now I would be happy with even just a Z-pac to get my head back on straight.

Lately I have been thinking back over the last couple of years. My family has had some tough times. Maybe other families have experience more tragedy over the course of two years but this is the most mine has ever experienced in this short of time... if ever (knock on wood). I want to say that it started with us losing Avery, but I can't really think back much further than that because right now it still seems that losing Avery defines me... I am working on that though. Almost a year after Avery, we lost my beautiful aunt in a tragic plane crash that claimed 10 lives from our small town. To this day I still miss her and her infectious smile. She was so beautiful, inside and out.

Just short of a year after that, my cousin, Jared, took his own life. I never knew Jared very well and I regret that. I need to make a point of getting to know my relatives. It just seems that when you only see each other once or twice a year it's hard to have a relationship. I guess that's something I really need to work on. From stories that I have heard about Jared, I really think he and I would have gotten along well. I believe he was only a year younger than me and was a really fun guy. He loved sports, music and his family and apparently he was a jokester! It makes you wonder what pain he was hiding that would eventually make him want to end it all. It is just so sad. To see his family suffer the pain of his loss tears my heart out. I can only imagine how much they must miss him.

My favorite band has a song on their latest album that makes me think of Jared everytime I hear it. The words describe the questions that families must be asking. I just wanted to share...

WHY

You must have been in a place so dark

You couldn't feel the light

Reaching for you through that stormy cloud

Now here we are gathered in our little home town

This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that's what I keep asking

Was there anything i could have said or done

Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul

God only knows what went wrong

and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind i'll keep you frozen as a 17 year old

Rounding third to score the winning run

You always played with passion no matter what the game

When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why that's what I keep asking

Was there anything I could have said or done

Oh I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul

Oh God only knows what went wrong

and why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now the oak trees a swaying in the early autumn breeze

The golden sun is shining on my face

Tangled thoughts i hear the mocking bird sing

this old world really ain't that bad a place

Oh I there's no comprehending and who am i to try judge or explain

But I do have one burning question

Who told you life wasn't worth the fight

They were wrong They lied Now your gone and we cry

Its just not like you to walk away in the middle of a song

Your beautiful song Your absolutely beautiful song

When I have the energy, I will post the latest of our infertility struggles. A lot of things are still up in the air and I am trying to be patient while I wait for some more answers.