Long time...

I know it's been forever since I have blogged. I don't know if anyone even visits my blog anymore but I have some things I need to get off my chest so here goes.

I was finally able to talk to Dr. D about my test results. If you remember he ordered a Hysteroscopy ( a scope of my uterus and a D&C) and a bunch of blood tests that included chromosomal testing for both Skeet and I and many blood clotting factor panels. Everything came back normal with the exception of the MTHFR test which came back positive. This has something to do with blood clotting. However, because my Homocysteine test came back normal I don't have problems with clotting. It is a little confusing but whatever. What I know now is that there is nothing wrong with me that is fixable...

He explained again that he believes the reason I have miscarried my past two pregnancies is because my eggs have been affected by my endometriosis. If the endometriosis is located on or near the ovaries it can affect the quality of the eggs the ovaries produce. In my case he believes that when my eggs undergo meiosis (probably during metaphase II) they are unable to line up the chromosomes properly causing a chromosome abnormality that causes the blastocyst to stop developing early in the pregnancy.

Because we have only done one fresh IVF cycle he can only guess that 1-2 out of 8-10 of my eggs are good quality. If we only went by my eggs from our IVF cycle it would show that 1-2 out of 46 of my eggs were good quality. He doesn't believe, however, that that is the case. Instead he thinks that I do have more good eggs but just had bad luck with the last batch. He did explain to me our options. We could try to do another IUI with Follistim injections but with the chance that my only remaining tube is probably not functioning properly, that might be a waste of money. (It costs around $1000 to have Dr. S do it and around $3000 to have Dr. D do it) Our other option would be to do another fresh IVF cycle with a special protocol. He believes that I have the best success with "fresh" blastocysts. So, this time, instead of allowing all of the eggs to try to reach blastocyst stage (about 5-6 days after fertilization) he would only allow a few to reach that stage and freeze the rest right after fertilization. He would transfer the few that were allowed to reach blast stage (if they survive that long) and we would hope for the best. If by chance (which with me, it's always a good chance) it doesn't work the first time or something goes wrong he will then thaw a few of the fertilized eggs and allow them to reach blast stage (therefore being "fresh" blasts) and transfer them.

Unless you are educated in all the IVF lingo and protocol this might be confusing... actually it is confusing to me but I get the gist of it. By the time I hung up the phone I was in tears. Basically I have two choices if I want to have children. I can try to come up with thousands of dollars to let Dr. D try IVF again (he still says he is confident he will get me to a healthy delivery) OR I could try to come up with thousands of dollars to adopt. Both will be financially, emotionally, spiritually and mentally draining for me. Both will cause me stress and anxiety. Both will make me question myself and my relationship with my Heavenly Father every day. And of course, both are going to be something I am going to have to wait quite a while for because there is just no possible way that Skeet and I can come up with that kind of money anytime in the near or even distant future. Unless of course we sell our house and move in with my parents for a couple of years which would allow us to pay off our last IVF cycle much more quickly. But, there are so many things I don't like about that plan. I love my house... we just got grass in our back yard... and Callie has so much room to run. Our house payments are very reasonable and our house was the only reason we could afford to do the IVF in the first place because we had so much equity in it. Now that the market is down that isn't the case anymore and we would be lucky if we could get enough for it to pay off both loans. Also, if we sold our house and moved in with my parents we would have to find a home for Callie. That is just unimaginable. She is part of our family and I can't give her up. She is the closest thing I have to a living child and since I have already had to give up one child I can't do it again willingly.

I shouldn't be complaining about our financial problems. We do pretty well actually. We have food on the table,we get our bills paid and we put what we can into savings for emergencies. You could say we live like most Americans do but we definitely don't have an extra $20,000 lying around to buy a baby. When I try to comprehend how unfair it is that I happen to be one of the unfortunate women that may never have children it tears me apart. I try not to think about it but am reminded every time I see children and that alone brings up that longing to have one of our own.

Right now I don't know what to do or think. I feel lost and confused. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and praying for a miracle. Maybe we should move to a state that requires fertility treatments to be covered by insurance. Maybe we should just accept the fact that we are going to be a childless couple until we die and are reunited with our daughter. Maybe I have no idea ...