We made it through another Christmas. I have tried so hard to remember the true meaning this year. It was difficult but I do remember why we celebrate and I am eternally grateful for our Savior and His life. Christmas was good at our house this year. We spent some time with both Skeet's and my families and I really enjoyed watching my nephew open his gifts this year.
Christmas Eve we spent at my parents house with my brothers, Skeet's sisters and my sister and her hubby and my niece and nephew, and of course my parents. It was great to have everyone there and eat lots of good pizza. We took some pictures but I don't have them with me so I will share them later.
As I sat there watching Ayden and Jacie chase each other all over the house, the tears welled up and I couldn't hold them back. Someone was missing and it was so painfully obvious to me but it seemed like no one else noticed. I could almost picture my black haired little girl wobbling around and trying to keep up with the two of them. I wonder if she was watching and wishing she could be there too?
Then, Christmas morning, instead of watching my one year old tear into the wrapping paper (because I am sure that is all she would be interested in) Skeet and I drove out to the cemetery to visit her grave. We had to walk through probably six inches or more of snow to get to where she is and a lot of the cute Christmas decorations I had put out were completely buried. Her tree had been dug out and there were a few new additions from my parents and sister. I wanted to scream and cry out. I want to have her here so badly. But I held back because I didn't want Skeet to think that I had lost it. Instead I said a silent prayer and thanked my Savior for His life and death. Because of Him I will be with my daughter again. It is a bitter sweet thought but it gets me through each day.
Again I am sorry that I didn't get cards out to everyone this year. I hope you all had a very special Christmas and I wish you all the very best in 2009. Whatever you do tonight... do it safely! 2009 here we come!!!
5 comments:
I have felt the same way at family gatherings and I honestly think that others do notice how you are feeling, just noone knows what to say at the time. And, I'm sure that Avery was on their minds as well. Glad you had a nice holiday with your family.
Candi ~ I have a cousin who has lost 3 infants to a heart valve defect. Last year at Christmas, one of her neighbors gave her this poem. I would dare bet that all of the angels in heaven are feeling this way about Christmas.
Christmas With Jesus
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!
--Author Unknown--
I have to think that your other family members DID notice that there was someone missing but just didn't say anything. I'm sorry you had to go through Christmas without your little girl. Hugs.
Candi, I noticed that Avery was not there. I too thought about her as I watched the other kids play and how much it may be hurting you. I really wanted her to be with us. I just didnt want to bring it up and make you feel worse.
Hi Candy,
It's Lindsey. It was so good spending time with you on yet another New Year's. Your blog is adorable and it made me cry. That song is beautiful. I wish you and skeet all the luck with the next invitro. We will be thinking of you.
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