Dana Point Vacation

I am finally posting about our vacation almost a month ago. I didn't take very many pictures because I hate our camera. The one day I did get the camera out it was overcast so the pictures make it look cold outside but it was still pretty warm.

We started our vacation out right at the Caesar's Palace in Vegas. When we checked in they upgraded us to a studio suite.

We even had one of those tushy cleaners! This was one of two toilet rooms, yes we had 2... I repeat 2.... bathrooms.

We also had a walk through shower and a jetted tub but the pics didn't turn out.!

Here is Skeet trying to decide what to eat for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.

AAAHHH that's scary! (me not him)

He got a great shot of me putting my very uncomfortable shoes on.

I wonder how much it would cost to live there?

Skeet on the beach

This is a view from the park just above the beach. It was so beautiful there.

So that's pretty much it. We really do need to start taking more pictures. We didn't do much, just a lot of relaxing and of course eating good food. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory twice and a few other places on the pier. It was a much needed break and we didn't want to come back but we had too much waiting for us. I couldn't miss more than a day of class so we only spent 5 days there. I wish I would have gotten pics of the beach house we stayed in... I guess I will make sure to do that next time.

Skinny Me

I was going through some old photos yesterday and came across some that were taken when I lived in Dallas. I was so skinny back then. I know I will never look like that again, having babies and living with men will take their toll on a woman, but I would like to get as close as I can. Why does food that is bad for you have to taste so good?

I still have this outfit. I would never wear it now for many reasons, but the main reason is that I wouldn't be able to fit those pants past my knees and my spare tire would hang below the bottom of the shirt. I have to remind myself that when I looked like this I was a smoker, I worked out twice a day and went out dancing at least 2 or 3 nights a week. I ate mostly salads for lunch and skipped breakfast. My lifestyle was so very different than what it is now. However, I can't help but wish that my body still looked this way. I don't want that lifestyle back... I am way too old for that... but I want to be able to look at myself in a swim suit or even a figure hugging outfit and not be disgusted with what I see. I wish I could just love myself the way I am but when I look at photos of what I used to be, it makes it impossible.
My diet failed. It was too hard and messed with my ability to think or function properly. My school work was suffering and I was always upset that I couldn't eat normal food. I did lose 5 pounds however so I am still trying to eat good and be as active as I have time for. I think the that it is the best I can do right now.

Most of all I want my body to be as healthy as possible so that when/if we ever get pregnant again I will be healthy and I will be able to keep my child healthy (as much as is within my control).

For fun I am sharing some other photos from my days in Dallas. Most of the friends in these photos are friends from Utah. I must have only taken pictures when I had people visit me!

Kate, Shalon and me getting ready to go out on the town

Visiting my work place, I love the light effect in this pic

My sis, Me and Kate ready to go to the Yahoo Year End Party

My sis and I dressed up for Halloween ( I was a hula girl with a BIG butt)

Shalon, Kate, DJ (my little bro), me and my sis

How we met

A lot of people have shared their story and for some reason I really like my story of how Skeet and I met. So I have decided to share.

I actually didn't get to meet Skeet when our "matchmakers" had wanted us to meet. You see, my older brother and Skeet's sister met and married in 2002. A month or two after they were married (Fall 2002) I drove home with my current boyfriend, Boots (don't ask), to attend a wedding in Las Vegas. We spent a couple of days in Cedar City before making the long drive back to Dallas. My brother and sister-in-law were upset that I was there with someone because they had wanted to set me up with her brother, Skeet.

I don't remember when I finally heard about their plan but my relationship with Boots didn't last much longer and I was single by the time I came home for Christmas. When I did hear of their plans to set me up I was not exactly excited. You see my younger brother and Skeet's other sister were already dating. I thought it was just too weird and was slightly relieved that I had dodged that set-up. However, when I returned home for Christmas I reluctantly agreed to go on a triple date with them and my sister and her (now ex) husband.

When I would come home to visit I would try to see as many of my old friends as possible so I had already set up dates for the 10 or so days I would be there. The day they decided we should go out on December 23. I had a day date to go snowboarding earlier that day and a date for Christmas Eve the next day, but in the moment I saw Skeet my desire to hang out with anyone else seemed to dwindle. We had a great meal at Rusty's and drove around to look at Christmas lights. All the while I was just trying to figure out why I was so attracted to this guy. Yes he was hot, very hot, and we seemed to talk easily but I have never been so emotionally attached to someone so quickly. When he put his arm around my shoulders later that evening as we were watching TV, I felt the tingle throughout my body. Then, when he kissed me goodnight I thought my knees were going to buckle. (Yes I kissed him on the first date, so what)

The whole next day I was in suspense. I didn't know if he was going to call. I didn't know if he had felt the same chemistry. All I knew is that he was all I could think about at the moment. By the time my date for that evening showed up I had convinced myself that Skeet could never feel the same and probably wasn't looking for anything serious. I mean come on, I did live in Dallas, he was probably just doing his sister a favor. So I tried to enjoy my time with my date and attempted to forget about Skeet.

Christmas Day came and went just as it always did. Much to my surprise Skeet called that afternoon to ask if I wanted to hang out after he got off work. I was planning on seeing a movie with my friend, my little brother and his friends and I invited Skeet to come along. That evening, before the movie, some of Skeet's family (he has 6 siblings and some where not in town) joined my family for Christmas dinner. Skeet was working that day at Brian Head (our local ski resort). I loved his family (still do) and found myself wishing that Skeet were there so I could see how he interacted with them.

We met up later and went to see "Catch Me If You Can". We didn't pay much attention to the movie and I knew then that Skeet had felt the same chemistry as I had. We almost acted as though we had known each other for months. We were very comfortable with each other. We spent most of the rest of my time home together, when he wasn't working that is. The day I left to go back to Dallas was terrible! I missed him before I even left. I couldn't believe that after only a few days it was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't know what the future was going to bring but we promised to call and email and we kissed goodbye. On my way out of town I silently made a decision... I would move back to Cedar.

In the next few weeks we spoke on the phone everyday. We emailed back and forth and sent each other pictures. Eventually we made plans to have Skeet fly to Dallas and drive back to Utah with me. In November I had moved out of my apartment, back in with my sister while I waited for a friend's lease to be up so we could get a house together. So I didn't have a lease to get out of and all of my stuff was in storage. My friend was more than understanding and my parents agreed to bring my things home when they visited my sister that spring. So it was decided, Skeet would fly out in February. We would spend Valentines together in Dallas and I would move back home to Utah. So the 6 or so weeks that we were apart we got to know each other over the phone. By the time he came to Dallas we were already talking marriage and had said "I love you" to each other.

Most of my friends in Dallas thought I was crazy. They didn't believe that it could happen that quickly, but being from Utah I knew that it happened all the time and wouldn't seem so strange to the people back home.

I moved back in mid-February 2003 and on May 10, 2003 we were engaged. We were married on September 27, 2003. I had one friend in Texas that stopped speaking to me because she thought I was making a huge mistake. She had dated her fiance for 5 years before they got engaged and I was planning on getting married just a few months after her. She told me my marriage would never last, we probably wouldn't even last a year. I know it's wrong but I smiled when I heard that she had gotten divorced a little over a year after she was married. Skeet and I are still going strong. Yea we have our problems, like any other married couple, and the fertility issues and death of our daughter have been tough on us, but I am still a strong believer that it's not about quantity it's about quality! I knew after our first date that we were meant to be together, and I still believe that with all my heart.

** I just have to add that my little brother and Skeet's other sister were married a couple of years later. It's a good thing we all get along so well! I love you guys!**

I got tagged... again

I feel like I may have already done this one at some point but I think it was in email form. So here goes...

4 things I'm passionate about:
1. My family, especially my daughter and keeping her memory alive
2. My school, I am obsessed with getting A's
3. Blogging
4. Skeet

4 words/phrases I use often:
1. Seriously?
2. School of Business, this is Candice
3. I am so sick of being fat (but then I don't do anything about it)
4. Skeet, don't forget your lunch (or your inhaler, or your phone... he is so forgetful)

4 things I want to do before I die:
1. Have another baby
2. Visit Andy & Clare
3. Be completely debt free
4. Graduate from college

4 things I've learned in the past:
1. Don't be quick to anger, you don't know what other people are going through
2. Forgive
3. Patience
4. Loved ones are the most important, make sure they know you love them because you never know when it will be too late.

4 things I currently want/need:
1. A's in all of my classes
2. $4000 to get pregnant
3. Admittance into the Radiology program
4. To lose 15 lbs.

4 places I want to see/visit:
1. Hawaii
2. Ireland
3. Italy
4. Philly & New York

4 favorite restaurants:
1. Cheesecake Factory
2. El Torito (the one at the Dana Pointe pier)
3. Olive Garden
4. Taco Bell

4 TV shows I can't live without:
1. Greys Anatomy
2. Private Practice
3. Samantha Who?
4. Desperate housewives

4 things you might not know about me:
1. I was a Hooter's girl for 8 months
2. I had braces for 6 years
3. I hate working out, actually I despise it
4. It may be cliche but I knew I would marry Skeet after our first date. (that story is for another post)

I tag... you know what, I can't do it. I don't want to tag anyone specifically. But I would invite any one who reads this to do it anyway and leave a post saying you did it so I can read yours!

I did it!

This weekend my new nephew, Austin, was blessed. He is a little over a week old and his father had to return to Iraq yesterday so they did his blessing on Saturday. I was scared of how I would react. Most of the time I can tell myself that I will be okay, that it won't be hard and I won't break down. But then, when the time actually comes I lose it. Well this time I didn't lose it. I was able to hold that sweet little boy and it didn't feel unnatural or wrong as it has in the past. He is so precious and honestly, I am so proud of myself. It wasn't easy though, as I sat there holding him, examining his tiny little hands and nose, I was overcome with sadness because I want so badly to have my own.

I remember holding my own child and knowing that she would not move, not open her eyes, not take a breath. But how I wished for all those things to happen. Now, a year later I sat holding this little boy who was squirming and yawning and who even jumped when I spoke to loud, and the ache in my heart and my arms to hold a healthy child of my own has intensified. No child will ever replace my Avery but my need to be a mother will never go away. Unfortunately we will not be able to use our last two embryos for a while. It is much too expensive and would be careless of us to use all of our savings for a cycle when the economy is so unstable. So I will have to wait until May, which seems like an eternity when you know its the only thing that might dull the pain. I just pray that I will make it through the next 7 months in one piece.

In the mean time I will be doing my best to get as close to my pre-marriage weight as I possibly can. I know after having a baby my body will never be the same but I can try. I started the South Beach Diet again this morning and the next two weeks are going to be hell for me. I remember the last time I went on the diet which was about 4 years ago, I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks but I cried everyday because I had no energy. Cutting all sugars and carbs out of your diet is a lot harder than I ever expected. I spent a lot of money to make sure I had food in the house that I can eat and even bought some sugar free treats to keep myself sane, so hopefully I can stick it out. The first phase is the hardest so if I can just get through these first two weeks I think the rest will be much easier. My goal weight is 140 which is 5 lbs more than I was when I got married so I am not making it too impossible. Wish me luck!!

New Attitude

So I have been thinking, with the very little time that I have to think right now, and I have decided I need to change my attitude. I know it's not my fault that I can't get pregnant or that my daughter died, but it's not anyone else's fault either. Therefore, I am going to do my best at not resenting or envying pregnant women or those with babies. I will be happy for them and will push my selfish feelings aside. I can't promise that the extreme, uncontrollable desire to have a child of my own won't go away. I am just going to try to be a better person. Yes I want to be pregnant, and yes I want no one else to be pregnant until I am, but I know it doesn't work that way. So today I am changing my attitude. I am smiling at those lucky girls that are expecting, and I am asking them their due date, and I am going to be excited for them and not try to avoid them at all costs. I may even hold a baby or two. (I have only held one since Avery)

I don't want my friends and family to be scared to tell me if they are expecting or to talk about their pregnancies or kids. I love their kids... all of them and I want to spend time with them. I don't want the people that I love to feel awkward around me because of my tendency to cry every time I think about how I could be entering my 2nd trimester by now. I just hope that people who know me can be sensitive to my situation and not make comments about how I should be glad I don't have kids or how I should be glad I am not pregnant because of what a pain it is. I can only hope that in my presence they will keep those comments to themselves, unless of course they want me to start in about how blessed they are to be able to hold their children and kiss them and hug them. How they should cherish those moments. Or how I would give my left leg.... and arm to be pregnant with a healthy child. (yea I know it would be hard to balance the belly but I would make do) Those are the things that are hardest for me to deal with, when parents take their children for granted. Or when they don't realize how lucky they are to conceive naturally and to give birth to healthy children.

We are still uncertain of what the future holds for us in the baby department so I may be belly less for a while but I will be making an effort to be a better person. I promise.

Tag

Rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people & posts their names, then goes to their blog & leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged & asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you've answered the questions on your blog.

10 YEARS AGO I...
1. Spent half of my days with my cheeks hanging out of a cheer skirt
2. Was driving my kickass GMC Jimmy, I miss that big piece of crap
3. Still believed that I would never drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes
4. Could still fit in a size 5 (Oh those were the days)
5. Was dating the Cedar High Wrestling State Champ for 189 lbs. Man was I cool

5 THINGS ON TODAY'S TO DO LIST...
1. Go to class
2. Do my homework
3. Pick up some milk and Skeet's inhaler at the store
4. Clean my bedroom enough that I can walk from the door to my bathroom without having to step over anything
5. Do at least one load of laundry

5 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A MILLIONAIRE...
1. Do as many rounds of IVF as it takes to have a baby
2. Set up some kind of charitable agency to help others have babies
3. Travel
4. Pay cash for a new house
5. Buy my hubby a new truck

5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED...
1. Cedar City
2. Mesa, AZ (for 2 weeks)
3. Sacramento, CA (for 1 week)
4. Addison, TX
5. North Dallas

5 JOBS I HAVE HAD...
1. Hostess and Waitress
2. Presser at the dry cleaners
3. Associate Systems Engineer
4. Ophthalmic tech
5. Office Manager

Now I have to tag people... I have never done this before so I hope I don't make anyone mad.
Shalon, Amy G., Amy W., Clare and Mari

The days after

The days after Avery's birth were really tough for me and I am sure for all of my family. But for me I was suffering with high blood pressure, a fever of 102 and pulmonary edema. My lungs had fluid in them and it made it very hard to breathe. If I were able to get rid of the chills and the body aches and the pools of sweat that I was constantly lying in, I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway because if I got too horizontal I wouldn't be able to breathe. The few times that I did drift off I would have detailed dreams about my little girl. Awful dreams that stuck with me after I awoke.

About a month before Avery was born I went and bought a blessing/burial dress for her. The smallest size I could find was a 3 month dress. It was beautiful but I knew that even if she went full term, the dress would still be way too big for her. So when she was born 8 weeks early and so incredibly tiny I had no idea what to do. My amazing mother and sister volunteered to find a doll dress pattern and sew a dress for Avery to be buried in. They stayed up very late and struggled with a satin-like fabric to make the dress perfect. And it was. They met us on Monday to meet with the mortician to discuss Avery's burial and they had the dress. It was absolutely gorgeous and complete with a pink bow and a cute little bonnet. I will be forever grateful to them for doing that for me and for Avery.

We picked a date for the burial, Wednesday October 17 at 1:00 p.m. It was going to be a small service with just family invited to attend. When it was time to pick a casket I started to panic. Was I really going to choose a box to bury my child in? A mother should never have to do that. But, I knew that I needed to make this decision. I needed to be as involved as possible in this process or I would regret it later on. So we were led into a room full of caskets... big and small. They only had one for infants and the minute I saw it I knew it was perfect. It was white with daisies carved into the top and sides. It was probably one of the more expensive selections but I didn't care... it was perfect for my little girl.

Then, it was on to the cemetery. We had to pick a burial plot. By this time my hugely swollen body (I was huge because of the high blood pressure) was starting to hurt and I just wanted to go back to bed but I made myself get out of the car and go inside. As we were waiting for someone to help us my mom told me that my grandparents had offered one of their plots next to my cousin Nate. I immediately felt relief. I was so worried that my Avery would be out there with a bunch of strangers. Now, she would be next to Nate and someday, my grandparents. A huge load off of my mind so I went to wait in the car while Skeet and my mom took care of the details.

After everything was done I went home and wrote Avery's obituary. Another one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

On the day of her burial my sister came to help me get ready. I am so lucky to have such wonderful family to take care of me. I will never forget all they did for me during the hardest time of my life. I couldn't fit in any of my clothes and I wanted to cry when I couldn't even fit into my shoes. I ended up in a mismatched outfit and I couldn't even zip up my skirt. I had gained more weight since Avery's birth than I did throughout my entire pregnancy. All of the water I was retaining was taking it's toll. We drove to the cemetery and as soon as I saw the hearse the tears started to flow. I watched as the father of my child carried her casket to the grave site.

The service was beautiful. My sister, father and father-in-law all participated and said beautiful things. I never stopped crying, and I will never forget that day. Earlier I had been to see Dr. Sanders and he said that if my lungs still had fluid in them I would probably be re-admitted back into the hospital. I would have to go for an x-ray after the service. My temp was still around 102. After the service and the luncheon I went home to lie down before going to get an x-ray. I had asked my dad, father-in-law, and my brother to give me a blessing before I went home. I slept for about an hour and when I woke up I was soaking wet but I knew that my fever was gone and I could already tell that I could breathe better. I knew then that everything would be okay.

Losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. I would never wish it on anyone. However, the things that I have learned and the way that Avery's life has changed me is something I will never regret. This past weekend as I was standing with my husband on the beach, watching the waves at sunset, I felt cheated. I felt that our family vacation should have been just that- with the whole family. I should have been chasing my little one year old around on the sand, trying to keep her out of the freezing cold water. I don't think that the feeling of being cheated will ever go away. I think that I will always feel like a part of me is missing. I just have to try to keep going every day.

I realized something else while I was away. If Avery had been able to live with her condition I would have been able to accept it and embrace it. Now I resent it. I resent the condition that took her life, that kept her lungs from developing, that broke her little bones and caused her pain. Maybe someday I will feel differently but today... well it's just not fair!!

October 13, 2007

Saturday October 13, 2007

I was woken again around 2:00 a.m. by the nurse trying to find Avery’s heartbeat again on the monitor. She searched for quite a while but couldn’t find the right spot. Dr. Sanders walked in an interrupted her attempts. They lifted the blankets that covered me and saw blood. He told me that it was time to push. I had no idea how I was going to manage that when I couldn’t feel the lower half of my body. Skeet was still snoring in the corner and I yelled at him to wake up…. Snore, so I yelled again…. Snore. I started to scream at him now. Dr. Sanders told me to calm down and walked over to wake Skeet. The nurse had gone out to wake everyone and tell them it was time. I was hyperventilating so they put an oxygen mask on me. Charise came in and I saw my mom hovering by the door. I asked the nurse to page Dr. Dowse and she said that they had done so already, but he wouldn’t be coming, he was not on call and his PA would be there instead.

Before I knew it they were telling me to start pushing. I tried my best but couldn’t tell if I was even doing anything. It was about this time that I started wishing I had been tough enough to go without the epidural. Sometime while I was pushing Dr. Dowse’s PA snuck in. It seemed like hours had passed. I pushed and pushed but didn’t feel like I was helping Avery come out at all. Then Dr. Sanders said to give it one more big push. I felt something tug and then heard a gush of fluid hit the tub on the ground. It was 3:17 a.m. and Avery was out, there was nothing but silence. I looked up to see Dr. Sanders and the PA in the corner looking for a heartbeat. More silence. I couldn’t see Avery very well the way he was holding her. He then went to lie her down and came over to tell us that there was no heartbeat. He believed that her heart had stopped within the last hour. I began to sob. Out of pain from my broken heart but also because I was relieved that I didn’t have to watch her suffer or struggle to breath.

He started to tell me everything that was wrong with her. Her head was misshapen, her arms and legs short and her hands and feet misshapen as well. Worst of all, because her little body had become so swollen, her skin had torn on her neck and one of her arms because the delivery was just too hard on her. I was scared, terrified. I knew I wanted to see her but I was so afraid of what I would feel when I did. Finally the nurse said very quietly, “She is beautiful”. I told them to give her to me. They wrapped her up in a towel and put a beanie on her head. When they placed her in my arms it took my breath away. I could see nothing wrong with her. She was perfect. My sweet little baby girl was absolutely perfect. She was also so very tiny and fragile. I held her and I rocked her as I cried. By this time all of my family and Skeet’s family were in the room watching me as I held my daughter.

My dad and Frank (my father –in –law) came over to me, placed their hands on my head, and gave me a blessing. As tears rolled down my face and fell onto my daughter I felt peace. I knew that she was happy and that everything was just the way that it should be. Dr. Sanders got out his camera and started to take pictures as Avery was passed around. I first handed her to Skeet. My heart broke again as he carefully took her tiny body in his arms. His face looked so broken. I had never seen him like that. She looked even smaller wrapped in his big, strong arms. I could tell right then and there that they would have had such a special relationship. She would have adored her daddy so much. I watched the faces of my parents, my siblings, Skeet’s parents and his siblings as they held this special little girl. I was so proud, she was so beautiful and I could tell that I wasn’t the only one who thought so.

Finally, they handed her back to me and everyone started to say their goodbyes, preparing to leave Skeet and I alone with our daughter. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Skeet leaned over me and said that he wished he had gotten to see her eyes. I couldn’t help but agree. As grateful as I was that she did not have to suffer, I wished that we had been able to see her open her eyes and look up at us. To be able to hear us as we told her one last time how much we loved her. All I could do was kiss her forehead and tell her how proud I was of her, she had been so strong and fought for so long. I told her I loved her and that I always would.

As I held her a social worker came into the room and sat down. I wanted to scream at him to go away, to let us have our time alone with her. But he stayed for what seemed like hours. When he did finally leave my arms were shaking and I felt sick. I knew it was almost time to say goodbye because I barely had the strength to hold on to her anymore. I wish I could have held on to her for longer. I wish I could have told her again and again that I loved her but I knew it was time. I said goodbye and kissed her again. Then, I handed her back to Skeet. He was going to take her down to the nursery. It was much easier to hand him to her and I was so thankful that he had offered to do that. It would have made it so much worse to hand her over to a stranger. I watched them walk out of the room and that was the last time I saw my daughter.

Skeet came back and the nurse followed a few minutes later to give us Avery’s measurements, 2 pounds 9 ounces and 13 inches long. I laid back and closed my eyes and imagined my daughters face and how it had felt to hold her… and then I slept.

I woke a few hours later and they moved us to a more isolated room, one they called the Jacuzzi Suite. It had two beds and a jetted tub, but was not much nicer than any of the other rooms I had seen. Most of the rest of the day was a blur. I had Skeet call my boss to let him know what had happened and that I would be taking my 6 weeks of leave. We had a few visitors and we met with the mortician. I swear I felt it the minute he took Avery’s body from the hospital. It was like he had taken a piece of me with him. We told him that we would meet with him Monday to make the arrangements.

My niece Madison was baptized that day. I felt so bad that we missed it but everyone stopped by after the service. I wasn’t really up for visitors but I tried to put a smile on my face and be strong for the kids. I sent Skeet home to sleep. There was no use in him being here, I could have gone home but decided to stay one more night. I don’t know why I decided to stay but I think it may have had something to do with leaving that hospital with empty arms. I had gone in with a baby and would leave with a hole in my heart.

I asked for more pain meds and a sleeping pill and I slept.

October 12, 2007

Friday, October 12, 2007

I remember waking a few times through out the night. My nurse decided to let us sleep although she checked us out around 4 a.m. We woke around 7 a.m. and headed home. I was so glad that my head didn't hurt anymore but we were both still exhausted, so of course when we got home we went back to bed. I woke up again around 10 a.m. and I could hear that Skeet was in the living room watching TV. I got out of bed and was surprised by the sensation like I had just wet my pants. It seemed so strange because I hadn't felt like I had to pee that bad, and my bladder hadn't been that hard to control up until now. I had a feeling it may have been something else but didn't want to jump to conclusions. I changed my clothes and went out to join Skeet. Another day off work, the third this week, and I felt incredibly lazy. But that didn't stop me from making myself comfortable in the recliner and watching a little TV as I tried to decide if I wanted breakfast.

We had an appointment scheduled today with Dr. Dowse (a local pediatrician) to discuss our birth plan. I had asked Dr. Sanders to set it up because I wanted to make sure that, even though we weren't taking any action to keep Avery alive, we were going to do everything possible to keep her out of pain and I wanted to give her any chance at life she could possibly have. The appointment wasn't until around 3:30 p.m. so I had time to be lazy. I started feeling contractions again not too long after getting out of bed. I started timing them hoping that they wouldn't get too regular. They didn't seem to have a pattern so I brushed them off as braxton hicks.

When I decided to get up to shower and get ready for our appointment I felt the wetness again. This time I was sure I hadn't peed my pants, I could swear I was leaking amniotic fluid. Fear twisted my stomach into knots as I called Dr. Sanders office for the third day in a row. I knew what they were going to say but felt myself tense anyway as they told me to stop into Labor and Delivery. We decided to get through the appointment with Dr. Dowse first and then run by the hospital on our way home. I brought our hospital bag, just in case, hoping I wouldn't need it.

We waited for an hour in the "healthy child" side of the waiting room at the ped. office. I began timing my contractions again and noticed they were coming every 10 or so minutes. I started to imagine trying to stop the labor again, would it really be the best thing to do? When we finally spoke with Dr. Dowse he was very understanding of our requests. He promised that he would be there when Avery was born to do everything he could for her. He asked how much longer we had. I told him she is not due until December 7th, but when I told him I may be leaking fluid he said he might see us much sooner than December. We said our goodbyes and I breathed through a contraction as we walked out to our car.

At Labor and Delivery they took me over to the delivery side of the hallway (we had been in the post delivery side our first two visits) and asked me to get into a gown. They hooked me up to the monitors and did a test to check and see if I were in fact losing amniotic fluid. I knew both of my nurses, one I had gone to high school with the other was the daughter of an old boss. They were great, very friendly and kind. They said that from what they could see, I was not leaking amniotic fluid but they would not know for sure until the results got back from the lab. The lab called not too long after confirming that it was not what I had thought. I was a little relieved although I was still having contractions about 10 minutes apart. I decided to get up to pee in case they hooked me up to an IV and the second I stood up a gush of fluid was all over the edge of the bed and the floor. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom. I didn't know if I should sit on the toilet or stand in the tub. So at first I sat on the toilet thinking that maybe I had just lost all my bladder control. But when the fluid kept coming I moved over to the tub. Every time I thought that it had stopped, and tried to step out of the tub, the fluid would start running out again. Finally, one of my nurses brought me some of their beautiful hospital panties with a big diaper-like pad and I was able to go lay down again. Of course, they re-did the test to check for amniotic fluid but we were all pretty certain that this time my water had completely broken.

Dr. Sanders showed up just in time to tell me that the test had come back positive. It was time and Avery was going to be here soon. I called my family, Skeet called his and I began to freak out (in my head) all over again. I am so not ready for this... it is too early and I can't say goodbye yet.

Avery was really hard to keep on the monitors. They would find her heartbeat, but minutes later she would move and it would disappear. We could hear her moving around and I could feel her nudge me every once and a while. Her heartbeat was strong staying between 150 and 135 bpm. The nurse brought us a recording device so that I could record the sound of her heartbeat, to keep forever. Charise was there by this time and helped me out. The first time we did the recording she had held it too far from the machine and we could barely hear it on the playback. The next time we turned up the sound and she held it right up to the machine. It worked perfectly. I was so glad to already have something to remember her by.

Skeet's parents drove over from Panguitch as soon as we had confirmed that Avery would be born here in Cedar City. Valley View will not usually deliver babies under 34 weeks, anything under 34 weeks is usually sent to St. George so I was a little panicky, but Dr. Sanders had made special arrangements for us so that we could have him deliver our little girl. When they arrived Skeet's mom brought me a beautiful baby blanket that she had made especially for Avery. I couldn't believe how beautiful and perfect it was. She thought we might want to bury her with it but I wasn't ready to think about that yet.

An ultrasound tech showed up to do an ultrasound and check Avery's position. Of course she was still breech. She had been curled up in my pelvis for weeks now and I hadn't felt her flip at all so it didn't surprise me. Everyone gathered around watching Avery move around the screen and listening to her heartbeat.

As the contractions got worse I was so glad to have Charise there to help me breathe through them. They didn't want to do my epidural until I had dilated to a 4 or more so I breathed through the pain. I could feel them getting more intense but didn't want to ask to be checked because it was incredibly painful when they did and I wanted to avoid any more pain. Finally they confirmed I was at a 4. It was a slow process because Avery was breech and she was incredibly tiny so there was nothing really there to cause dilation. The anesthetist came in and did a wonderful job on the epidural. It barely hurt at all and I laid back anxiously awaiting the relief. I waited and I waited. I pushed the button to get another shot of the drugs but still every contraction just seemed to get worse... I didn't feel any relief at all. They called the anesthetist and he said we just needed to be patient but as the pain continued to get worse my nurse (a new nurse now) insisted he come back and see what was wrong. He apologized over and over when he realized he had forgotten to turn on the pump. As soon as it was on I began to feel my legs go numb. Within 30 minutes I was numb up to my chest and was finally able to relax.

Everyone looked exhausted but no one wanted to leave, fearing they would miss Avery's birth if they did. I heard from Charise that everyone was trying to sleep in the waiting room. Skeet decided to pull out the couch bed and try to get some rest and I decided I may as well too. It didn't look like she was coming anytime soon and I was totally okay with that. I finally drifted off only waking when the machine would take my blood pressure, when they would find Avery's heartbeat if she moved off the monitor, and when they would come to check for dilation. The epidural had slowed down the dilation so they gave me meds to try to get it going again. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night.