Pictures from the Mountain

Let us in!!

Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasessssseeeeee






Jacie giving Ayden hugs

Skeet being a good uncle!

Hmmm ....do I want juice or milk?

Ewww it's pink- boys don't like pink


Me and some of my favorite kids

another favorite



There they are again

Ayden had a tool and decided that Callie's tail needed to be fixed


What a good dog... she just puts up with it!


I am so sad, Charise and Ayden are leaving on Sunday to go back to Philly. I really can't believe the month has gone by so fast. I am going to miss them so much. I may not see them again until December, so it is going to be really hard to let them go.

One Year Ago

One year ago today I got out of bed and put on my cutest maternity outfit I had at the time. It was a blue and black stretchy shirt (to show my growing bump) and some stretchy (very comfy) pants. I grabbed my VHS and CD and headed to work, knowing that in a couple of hours Skeet and I would possibly find out the sex of our first child. I wanted to look my best and I was in a great mood.

One year ago today I was lying on the ultrasound table giggling and watching my baby on the screen when I heard the words "there is something wrong".

One year ago today I heard the words "Lethal Skeletal Dysplasia" for the first time.

One year ago today my world came crashing down around me.

New pictures

Here are some pictures from our family BBQ last Sunday. I have tons more pictures but I will spread them out a little bit. I hope everyone had a great 4th... I did, but I got really -and I mean REALLY- burnt. OUCH!


Ayden and his Papa. He won't let Papa leave him alone for a second.



Dragging Great-Papa Jay around


Jacie and her watermelon face!


Ayden taking a nap... what a sweetie





What a good helper


Messy face!

They are on their way!!

As I type this my parents are driving back from Las Vegas with my sister and nephew. They drove to Vegas this morning to pick them up and bring them home for their 2 week visit. I am so very excited to see them!! It has only been a couple of months but it feels like it has been a year. Ayden is talking so good now and I am sure he has gotten so big! I can't wait to see him and to plant some big, sloppy, Auntie Candi kisses on him. That kid will probably be extremely sick of me by the time they leave.

This next week is going to be great! Not only do I have the opportunity to spend some much needed time with my sister and my favorite little guy, Tuesday is my final day in my psychology class. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to finally have this class over with. Plus, if I do well on the final... it is a good possibility that I will come out of it with a big fat "A". Now, for the next 5 weeks I get to try to catch up on my other 2 online classes that were put on the back burner so that I could achieve that "A". It also means that I will be able to start taking some much needed lunch breaks at work. I have been working through lunch to make up for the time I have been spending in class. It will be so nice to get in some power naps at lunch time.

I will try to remember to take some pictures of my little buddy and post them. Here are some older pictures but you can see how stinkin' cute this kid is!!

His birthday October 2006, it was a scary day... we almost lost him.

He was a flirt from day one!

He loved his first pool.

Halloween 2007

What a cute family...

Father's Day

I know I am a week late on my Father's Day post. I have been so busy with school, work and our back yard that I haven't even been able to think about anything else! Let me just say my world is full of amazing fathers. My dad is the best, his faith is so strong and so inspiring, how could I not aspire to be like him? He has worked hard my whole life just to make sure that me and my siblings never went without. I have great memories of my dad teaching me to solemn ski, play catch, snow ski, along with so many other things. He is an amazing grandfather as well, he loves his grand kids so much and I love how he thinks of and mentions Avery when no one else does.
Skeet's dad reminds me a lot of my father. He too is hard working and would do anything for his kids and grand kids. He always has a smile and a hug for you and he tells the best jokes! He raised a great man who I know has made and will make a great dad.
I could go on and on about my grandfathers and my brother and brothers-in-law, but I can't put off mentioning the man that is the father of my child.
I married an amazing man. He has been nothing but supportive to me and to what I feel is best for us. He agreed to the In Vitro after undergoing all of the many tests and I believe it was as much because he wanted to make me happy as it was that he wanted a child too. Getting Skeet to go through with all the tests couldn't have been all that easy on him because he is scared to death of needles. He will actually pass out, which has always been a little funny to me because he is such a big tough guy!! There is only one other situation where the tough guy disappears and the big teddy bear takes over and that is when he plays with his nieces and nephews. I see him with them and I just know that he is meant to be a father.
One of the most difficult things I had to overcome when I said goodbye to my little girl was knowing that she would have had Skeet wrapped around her finger. He is such a softy when it comes to little girls and I saw that in his face when he held her for the first time. What a proud and heartbreaking moment that was. She looked so tiny in his strong arms and the heartbroken look on his face tore me apart. As we held her and prepared to say goodbye he said to me that he wished he could have seen her eyes. I don't know why but that moment, those words, will stick with me forever. He was the last to see her as he offered to walk her down to the nursery. It made me feel so much better to know that I didn't have to hand her over to a stranger, that he would do that for me. What an amazing man! He has been such a source of strength for me and has been so incredibly understanding. I know that his heart was broken as well but he made sure to take good care of me. I can never thank him enough for that.
We spent the weekend of Father's Day on the mountain enjoying the beautiful property that has been in our family for years and years. I decided to share some pictures of our trip! You'll notice my obsession with quaking aspen.











































Skeet doing what he loves, cutting down trees.














Callie learning to swim, she caught on fast and we couldn't get her out of the water.











Here is some video of Callie swimming. She did get a lot better at it and wasn't splashing around as much but I am bad at taking video and all the other videos I had made me sick because they were so shaky.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

So this past weekend a couple of girlfriends and I made a trip to Las Vegas to see Gary Allan in concert. I have always been a fan of Gary's music but never really thought about seeing him in concert. Was I missing out!! He is an amazing performer, and oh my... he is extremely attractive. Needless to say we had a blast.
As I was standing there (right in front of the stage... we had great spots only one person between me and the barrier in front of the stage) listening to this hunky guy sing a song that I had heard probably a hundred times before I realized how beautiful that song really is. It has become my new favorite song, you might even call it my new theme song. If you haven't noticed I have added some music to my blog and if you want to hear the song it is included on my playlist. I am including the words in this post. Gary and I share something , we have both lost someone that means the world to us. (yea, I know, we aren't the only ones) I think he released this song after he lost his wife a few years ago. It's actually kind of heartbreaking to watch him perform it. I really did want to jump up there and give him a big hug... and maybe a kiss too! ;)

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down
It can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road
At the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way
Of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking
All these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream
But life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way
Of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

As Close As We're Gonna Get

I finally heard from our genetics counselor today. After months of leaving her voice mails she called me today to tell me what the doctors had finally decided. She made sure to tell me that Avery's X-rays had been looked at by a few doctors all over the country and that they were going back and forth between two diagnosis but had finally agreed on one. Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type II. This is also known as brittle bone disease. Type I is not considered lethal, Type II is. This is a diagnosis that they had ruled out during my pregnancy because they had seen no obvious breaks in Avery's bones during any of our ultrasounds. They had noticed, however, that over time her bones became crooked and misshapen. The doctors decided on this diagnosis because in her X-rays they could see that her ribs looked like they had been broken and healed. She never gave me a name for the other possible diagnosis. All she said it was very rare and that most of what the doctors saw pointed toward the one that they had decided on.

So what does this mean for our future attempts at a family? Well we have been given no more than a 2 % chance that it will occur again. That is a little bit higher than I was hoping for but not as much as I was afraid of. I am only skeptical because we hit all the bad odd when pregnant with Avery, other than getting pregnant of course. The heterotopic pregnancy that was found at 11 weeks had about a 1% chance of happening. Avery's condition was also very rare and we just happened to hit that as well. I can't help but wonder what our next attempt would be like.

This is something that Skeet and I probably passed on to her but there is no way of testing us to check for sure because it can affect only one egg or one sperm. They could possibly test our embryos but it is a very complicated and extensive test and would most likely make it less likely that the In Vitro would work. The suggestion that we were given, if we choose to go ahead with the FET (frozen embryo transfer) is to get frequent scans throughout the first part of the pregnancy until the diagnosis can be given or ruled out. If we did go that route, the only purpose that the scans would serve for me is to give me peace of mind if the baby is healthy as early on as possible. If it does occur again we already know that we would not terminate the pregnancy, everything happens for a reason and if we were chosen to be the parents of two special angels then so be it. My only concern is whether or not I can take the chance, even if it is a very small one. The fact that there is any chance at all scares me to death. The only thing that I know I can do is pray. Pray that my Heavenly Father will guide me in the direction that He has planned for me. The He knows what is in store for us and that His will be done.

Skeet was surprisingly optimistic when I told him, I know that he has been scared so when he reacted so well it did help me a little bit. But I couldn't help but cry, I don't know if it was out of relief of finally having an answer or out of fear of what is to come, but I stopped at the cemetery, sat in front of Avery's grave and cried, harder than I have in a while. Then I came home and slept. I feel a little better now, but I still don't know what we are going to do other than once again, put all of our faith in the Lord and pray that he will guide us.

I am going to bed now, I hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend.

Have vs. Had

This is a very hard topic for me to write on. I am torn on what to tell people when they ask if I have any children. Of course I do, I have a beautiful daughter who is watching over me from heaven. I have gotten the question a lot, "Do you have any kids?". To which my answer usually is "Yes, I have a daughter." Then I get the questions "What is her name?" or "How old is she?". To the latter I have to explain that she passed away at birth and that she would be 7 months. Then, people feel strange and they usually stop with the questions at that point after they say "oh I am so sorry", or one girl- who's little 9 month old baby happened to share Avery's name- didn't say anything at all just stopped talking to me altogether.

I don't mind talking about my daughter. I am extremely proud to be her mom and am willing to talk about her at any time. A couple of times however, to avoid the follow up questions I say "had" instead of "have". It doesn't mean that I used to have a daughter but don't anymore. It simply means that I have a beautiful daughter who is no longer living on this earth. Some days it is just so much easier, we get the "I'm so sorry's" out of the way a couple of questions earlier and the person can go on feeling uncomfortable.

About two weeks after Avery was born I had a woman stop me in an aisle at the grocery store. She said to me "You look like you have children, can you tell me where the glue sticks are?". I was so taken aback. I was trying not to burst into tears and run off. I answered quickly "I don't, but they are right there." Walking away I realized what I had said and felt extremely guilty. To this day when I think about it I still feel guilty. I should have just pointed her to the dang glue sticks and left it at that. Why did I add the extra statement? I think that perhaps I was so unprepared to face that type of question or comment, I hadn't really had time yet to think about what I would say to strangers when the question came up. Or maybe it was a test and I failed horribly. Whatever it was I hope that Avery knows that I love her and that she will be my daughter forever and no one can change that.

I know I have some friends out there in a similar situation as mine, and even to those who aren't, what would/do you say?

No end in sight

This is the project we will be working on for the next couple of months. We have a half acre so it is going to be a lot of work. If I can at least get some grass in this year I will be happy and so will my doggie.

This is Callie, mad at me cause I just gave her a bath.

Happy Mother's Day

I just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day out there to all those mothers that have been such a huge inspiration to me. My mother is the best. I love her with all of my heart and would be completely lost without her. I only hope that I show and tell her that enough. Today has been extremely hard for me. I miss my little girl. I found this poem somewhere (I don't remember) but it really stuck with me.

I am still her mother

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye My baby plays with Angel toys that money cannot buy. Who am I to wish her back into this world of strife ?No, play on my baby, you have eternal life. At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes,I'll hear her tiny footsteps come running to my side. Her little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet, I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes and embrace her in my sleep Now I have a treasure I rate above all other,I have known true glory - I am still her mother

-Author Unknown