Life Ain't Always Beautiful

So this past weekend a couple of girlfriends and I made a trip to Las Vegas to see Gary Allan in concert. I have always been a fan of Gary's music but never really thought about seeing him in concert. Was I missing out!! He is an amazing performer, and oh my... he is extremely attractive. Needless to say we had a blast.
As I was standing there (right in front of the stage... we had great spots only one person between me and the barrier in front of the stage) listening to this hunky guy sing a song that I had heard probably a hundred times before I realized how beautiful that song really is. It has become my new favorite song, you might even call it my new theme song. If you haven't noticed I have added some music to my blog and if you want to hear the song it is included on my playlist. I am including the words in this post. Gary and I share something , we have both lost someone that means the world to us. (yea, I know, we aren't the only ones) I think he released this song after he lost his wife a few years ago. It's actually kind of heartbreaking to watch him perform it. I really did want to jump up there and give him a big hug... and maybe a kiss too! ;)

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down
It can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road
At the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way
Of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walking
All these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream
But life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way
Of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

As Close As We're Gonna Get

I finally heard from our genetics counselor today. After months of leaving her voice mails she called me today to tell me what the doctors had finally decided. She made sure to tell me that Avery's X-rays had been looked at by a few doctors all over the country and that they were going back and forth between two diagnosis but had finally agreed on one. Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type II. This is also known as brittle bone disease. Type I is not considered lethal, Type II is. This is a diagnosis that they had ruled out during my pregnancy because they had seen no obvious breaks in Avery's bones during any of our ultrasounds. They had noticed, however, that over time her bones became crooked and misshapen. The doctors decided on this diagnosis because in her X-rays they could see that her ribs looked like they had been broken and healed. She never gave me a name for the other possible diagnosis. All she said it was very rare and that most of what the doctors saw pointed toward the one that they had decided on.

So what does this mean for our future attempts at a family? Well we have been given no more than a 2 % chance that it will occur again. That is a little bit higher than I was hoping for but not as much as I was afraid of. I am only skeptical because we hit all the bad odd when pregnant with Avery, other than getting pregnant of course. The heterotopic pregnancy that was found at 11 weeks had about a 1% chance of happening. Avery's condition was also very rare and we just happened to hit that as well. I can't help but wonder what our next attempt would be like.

This is something that Skeet and I probably passed on to her but there is no way of testing us to check for sure because it can affect only one egg or one sperm. They could possibly test our embryos but it is a very complicated and extensive test and would most likely make it less likely that the In Vitro would work. The suggestion that we were given, if we choose to go ahead with the FET (frozen embryo transfer) is to get frequent scans throughout the first part of the pregnancy until the diagnosis can be given or ruled out. If we did go that route, the only purpose that the scans would serve for me is to give me peace of mind if the baby is healthy as early on as possible. If it does occur again we already know that we would not terminate the pregnancy, everything happens for a reason and if we were chosen to be the parents of two special angels then so be it. My only concern is whether or not I can take the chance, even if it is a very small one. The fact that there is any chance at all scares me to death. The only thing that I know I can do is pray. Pray that my Heavenly Father will guide me in the direction that He has planned for me. The He knows what is in store for us and that His will be done.

Skeet was surprisingly optimistic when I told him, I know that he has been scared so when he reacted so well it did help me a little bit. But I couldn't help but cry, I don't know if it was out of relief of finally having an answer or out of fear of what is to come, but I stopped at the cemetery, sat in front of Avery's grave and cried, harder than I have in a while. Then I came home and slept. I feel a little better now, but I still don't know what we are going to do other than once again, put all of our faith in the Lord and pray that he will guide us.

I am going to bed now, I hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend.

Have vs. Had

This is a very hard topic for me to write on. I am torn on what to tell people when they ask if I have any children. Of course I do, I have a beautiful daughter who is watching over me from heaven. I have gotten the question a lot, "Do you have any kids?". To which my answer usually is "Yes, I have a daughter." Then I get the questions "What is her name?" or "How old is she?". To the latter I have to explain that she passed away at birth and that she would be 7 months. Then, people feel strange and they usually stop with the questions at that point after they say "oh I am so sorry", or one girl- who's little 9 month old baby happened to share Avery's name- didn't say anything at all just stopped talking to me altogether.

I don't mind talking about my daughter. I am extremely proud to be her mom and am willing to talk about her at any time. A couple of times however, to avoid the follow up questions I say "had" instead of "have". It doesn't mean that I used to have a daughter but don't anymore. It simply means that I have a beautiful daughter who is no longer living on this earth. Some days it is just so much easier, we get the "I'm so sorry's" out of the way a couple of questions earlier and the person can go on feeling uncomfortable.

About two weeks after Avery was born I had a woman stop me in an aisle at the grocery store. She said to me "You look like you have children, can you tell me where the glue sticks are?". I was so taken aback. I was trying not to burst into tears and run off. I answered quickly "I don't, but they are right there." Walking away I realized what I had said and felt extremely guilty. To this day when I think about it I still feel guilty. I should have just pointed her to the dang glue sticks and left it at that. Why did I add the extra statement? I think that perhaps I was so unprepared to face that type of question or comment, I hadn't really had time yet to think about what I would say to strangers when the question came up. Or maybe it was a test and I failed horribly. Whatever it was I hope that Avery knows that I love her and that she will be my daughter forever and no one can change that.

I know I have some friends out there in a similar situation as mine, and even to those who aren't, what would/do you say?

No end in sight

This is the project we will be working on for the next couple of months. We have a half acre so it is going to be a lot of work. If I can at least get some grass in this year I will be happy and so will my doggie.

This is Callie, mad at me cause I just gave her a bath.

Happy Mother's Day

I just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day out there to all those mothers that have been such a huge inspiration to me. My mother is the best. I love her with all of my heart and would be completely lost without her. I only hope that I show and tell her that enough. Today has been extremely hard for me. I miss my little girl. I found this poem somewhere (I don't remember) but it really stuck with me.

I am still her mother

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye My baby plays with Angel toys that money cannot buy. Who am I to wish her back into this world of strife ?No, play on my baby, you have eternal life. At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes,I'll hear her tiny footsteps come running to my side. Her little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet, I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes and embrace her in my sleep Now I have a treasure I rate above all other,I have known true glory - I am still her mother

-Author Unknown

Where did it come from???

Until recently, I have been extremely proud of myself with the way I have been able to handle seeing pregnant women and newborn babies. I have rarely asked the question "Why?" ( I say rarely because nobody is perfect). The last 6+ months I have tried really hard not to throw myself a pity party and I have tried to be happy for those that are able to be blessed with healthy pregnancies and babies. For some reason, it is not so easy anymore.
Yesterday I attended the graduation convocation for the SUU School of Business, because I had been asked to help out. The day started off stressful and when I got there I was a little bit on edge. Then, as I noticed all the baby bumps and strollers coming through the doors I started to feel bitter. I tried not to notice but anyone who has dealt with fertility issues or has lost a child will agree that it is hard not to notice. It is almost like you develop a hyper sensitive pregnancy beacon that automatically points your eyes in the direction of a pregnant woman or baby and makes it incredibly hard to look away. There were so many young couples that were expecting or had just welcomed a new little baby and I found myself wondering "why?".

I think that I am particularly emotional right now because my only sister just moved across the country, and she took my adorable nephew with her. Ayden, my nephew, had become my own personal "cheerer upper". Anytime I had a bad day all I had to do was stop by and see him smile at me and all the bad stuff just seemed to go away. No one could spend 15 minutes with that kid and not come away smiling and in a better mood. He has an adorable smile and gives hugs that melt your heart. He has been my little buddy since the day he was born, and Charise isn't too bad either! ;) She moved in with me when she was around six or seven months pregnant with him and it had been a couple of years since the last time we had lived with each other. I had really missed her being around. So when she was finally back in Utah it was so great to always have her there to watch Grey's, go to lunch, or just sit and talk. After Ayden was born she moved in with my parents but we stayed very close. (They only live 10 minutes away!!) This past December she married a great guy. He treats her well and loves Ayden, they seem to be made for each other. The only problem is... he is currently in Dental School in Philadelphia. They lived apart, seeing each other a couple of times a month, for 5 months and she finally made the move this weekend. It wasn't the first time I have had to say good bye to her but it was definitely the hardest. Probably because this time we had to say goodbye to both her and Ayden.
I really don't know what I am going to do without her. She got me through the hardest time of my life. She was always there for me and she loved Avery so much. I really don't know what I am going to do with out her. It is really hard to be happy for her when I miss them both so badly.

So, I am blaming my recent moments of weakness to her leaving. I can only handle one extreme emotion at a time and with Mother's Day coming up next weekend, my best sister and favorite little guy being thousands of miles away and the extremely obvious pregnancy epidemic going around... it's just too much to deal with. I am giving myself credit for being able to make it through everyday without having a complete breakdown.

Video

6 Months

6 months ago today we said good bye to our daughter, our first child, our sweet little angel. The time has really flown but it seems like it has been ages since I held her in my arms. I feel so fortunate to have such beautiful photos that remind me of that bittersweet day. I have been inspired by Nate's beautiful videos that he has done over the past few months and I thought I would give it a try. I am sure they aren't even close to as good as his but I am really glad that I finished one. I searched for days for a song to use. Nothing I listened to seemed right, then one night as I was lying in bed watching CMT, this video came on and I was instantly in tears. It was perfect.

I have been thinking back again, trying to remember every detail of those days leading up to her birth, her birthday, and the days after. They make me sad in a way but I need to remember, to keep her memory alive. I need to have something to hold on to when my arms are aching for my baby girl.

A year ago today we were still reeling from the fact that we were finally expecting a baby. I don't think it had fully set in yet because I had not yet begun to show. I was, however, experiencing morning sickness at it's fullest. The morning sickness for me was worse that I thought it should have been, but then again I was still pregnant with 2 embryos at the time. It did seem to let up just a little bit after the surgery. Anyway, a year ago, I was filled with hope and the dreams of a sweet little addition to our family. My mind was consumed with nursery decor and possible baby names. I had never been happier in my life. I cannot believe what just a year can bring.

This letter was written about a month after Avery's birth...

My sweet Avery,

You were born into heaven in the early morning hours of October 13, 2007. For months I had prayed that we would be able to meet you, even if it were just for a moment. But, in my prayers the thing I asked for above all, is that you wouldn't have to suffer. Heavenly Father answered my prayers the day that you were born. He silently took you home, without our knowledge, before you would have to suffer any pain. I am so thankful for that and for the peace I felt immediately after you were born. I knew that you were happily resting in the arms of your Heavenly Father. You would never have to experience pain or the evils of this world, you would forever be the perfect little girl that I held in my arms that day.
As I watched you being passed around to the arms of those that love you, my heart swelled with pride. The beautiful little girl that everyone admired so was, and will always be, my daughter. I could see it in your daddy’s face too. He was very proud of his little girl. You looked so small and fragile in his strong arms, I know that you two would have had a very special relationship. It makes me so sad to think that your special bond with your daddy will have to wait until we meet again in heaven.
I can’t help but wish every day that you were still with us. I miss you so very much. I miss your little kicks and feeling that as long as you were with me you were safe. I long for the day when I can hold you on my lap and read to you again. Or sing you to sleep with our special song. Sometimes I feel you with me still, I know that you are watching over us from heaven. I look forward to the day that I can hold you in my arms again, but until then I will hold you in my heart.
I love you sweet girl, you were an answer to my prayers. You were the best gift I have ever been given. I thank Heavenly Father every day for blessing us with such a beautiful and special daughter. Thank you, Avery, for choosing us to be your family. I will cherish the time I had with you, and look forward to the day we will meet again. Until then, just know that your daddy and I love you very much.

Love you forever,
Your Mommy

I miss you Avery, my heart will not be whole until we are together again.

Yay!

Tricia is officially in the OR receiving her new pair of lungs. Please pray that everything will go well. All of this on Nate's birthday! How crazy is that? My family and I will be praying that the operation is a success and her body accepts her new lungs. Please join us in praying for this amazing family.

You are not alone

What a crazy past couple of weeks it has been. Skeet has been in and out of town and I have stayed pretty busy with work and school. We have been working hard on getting the back yard in (finally) and I will be posting before and after pictures. I have been waiting 3 years to get this yard in and I know Callie will be excited to have grass instead of the dirt that she brings int he house everyday.

I have been thinking a lot about this blog. I do want to continue to write but was contemplating changing the title of the blog or starting a new one. This blog, when I first started it, was intended to keep everyone up to date on Avery's diagnosis and the status of things. So, even though I am no longer keeping you all up to date on her as much, I am going to leave the name and continue blogging here, to honor her. I don't think I am ready to let go yet.

So I hit a big milestone this last week. I held a newborn baby for the first time since I held Avery. I attended a baby shower and that was a big step for me just being there, but then I made myself hold the baby. I did fine, I didn't hold him very long because I didn't know how long I could keep my composure but at least I can say I finally did it. It only took me almost 6 months to get there but I did it. I did end up having to leave the shower really, really early because I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I really hope my friend isn't mad that I didn't even stay to eat but I didn't want to take the attention off her or her new baby in any way. I made up an excuse about Skeet wanting me home and jetted out of there pretty fast. At least I left a gift to make up for it right?

Another exciting thing that has happened recently, and I wasn't sure if I was going to post it but I can't keep it in anymore, is that we have a date for our frozen embryo transfer! I am excited and apprehensive at the same time, but I know that we need to try. There is a reason we were blessed with so many surviving embryos and I need to at least try. I think Skeet is more nervous than I am. He wouldn't admit it to anyone but I really think he is scared. I don't know if it is because he thinks we may get a repeat of our last pregnancy or if he is scared that I am going to get fat again but I can tell he is scared.

On a more somber note... I have been contacted lately by three women, I won't say names because I don't know if they want to go public, but they have all suffered and are in need of prayers. One lost her daughter to lethal skeletal dysplasia 15 years ago and is just now finding others to talk to that have been through something similar. One lost her daughter a couple of months ago to another lethal diagnosis and is struggling with her grief. And yet another that has just received the news from her doctors that one of the twin boys she is carrying most likely has a lethal skeletal dysplasia. Cat has posted the latter's story on her blog if you want to get the whole story. I don't know if any of these women read this blog but if they do I want them to know that I believe 100% that their beautiful little babies do have a purpose and they will see them again. My heart breaks for them but to know that 15 years down the road I can and will still love and miss Avery just as much as I do today gives me peace. I want these women to know that they are not alone. Even if sometimes it feels that way (as it has for me at times). Whether it is finding comfort in others who have been there, or asking for comfort from the Lord; you are never alone. I hope that you will find comfort in that. Please pray for them that they will have the comfort that they are in need of. Pray for the mother of the twin boys that things will not be as the doctors are saying they might be. I would not wish the pain of losing a child on anyone but I believe that good can come out of it. It all depends on how we react and how we use the trial in our life.

Prayers also for Tricia, Nate and Gwyneth as they are waiting on word of a possible set of new lungs for Tricia. Pray for the donor family as well.